recently i've been eating in 12-hour intervals. today i had "lunch" at 10 AM, and dinner at 10 PM. wow, ever since CYS rehearsals started, i've been rushing from place to place and frantically trying to debug programs, study for weekly math tests, practicing my nerve-wrecking xylophone *er* "solos" so i won't get yelled at... haha.. shostakovich got me all uppity at rehearsal. but mr. eylar was SURPRISINGLY nice and tolerant about it. i missed some really simple stuff on the bells, and he actually SMILED and said, "come on shelley! you can do this!" *gasp* he's NEVER been like that before! and i saw the new guy, Jason, and how he was kinda down about messing up. i tried to make him feel better by telling him about my horrible first CYS rehearsals. heh.. i still remember it all. wow, i've really learned a lot about orchestral music through CYS... good good. the 160 bucks per quarter is not going to waste. haha!
can barely keep my eyes open... gonna do devotional, study math, and then hopefully go to sleep before 3 AM. get 4 hrs. of sleep and start it all over again tomorrow... x_X blah!
7.31.2002
ahhhhhhhh i feel like a huge string of cuss words are about to jump out of my mouth but i'm not supposed to swear! but but but i'm soooo frustrated!!!!!!!! >_< i just spent the last hour and a half trying to find the stupid bugs in my program and as of now, my program is still SCREWED. why do i always wait until the last minute? wahhhhhhhhh!!
oh my gosh, i have SO MUCH respect for computer programmers now. i can't believe they do these things everyday. and all i had to do was convert celsius to fahrenheit, they have to write such complicated programs!! maybe i'm NOT programming material after all. i can't imagine doing this every single day! if only i started earlier i wouldn't be so stressed.
arghs! *extremely frustrated grunt* i hate pointers. i hate them i hate them i hate them.
oh my gosh, i have SO MUCH respect for computer programmers now. i can't believe they do these things everyday. and all i had to do was convert celsius to fahrenheit, they have to write such complicated programs!! maybe i'm NOT programming material after all. i can't imagine doing this every single day! if only i started earlier i wouldn't be so stressed.
arghs! *extremely frustrated grunt* i hate pointers. i hate them i hate them i hate them.
7.30.2002
7.29.2002
so tired... did a lot of travelling around today. first went to foothill college to load percussion equipment, then to foothill elementary to unload, then to deanza for comp class while my mom went back home for my mallets, then went to foothill elementary again for like half an hour of rehearsal. i can't live like this!! ahhh!!! *pulls hair out*
cys rehearsal was... interesting.. and different. heh. a lot of the same faces, a lot of new faces. lots of asians! lots of young kids. lots of "hi! how have you been doing?" and lots of confused-looking expressions. it felt weird.. somewhat like CYS, but not like CYS at the same time. becuz so many ppl were missing! i looked around for the usual familiar faces, and it all of a sudden hit me that they're never gonna sit in those seats again.. ah so sad. *sniff*
my arms are so sore. i better not skip calc tomorrow morning again. augh i'm such a slacker and i don't even care and that's what worries me. i worry becuz i'm not worrying. oy!
cys rehearsal was... interesting.. and different. heh. a lot of the same faces, a lot of new faces. lots of asians! lots of young kids. lots of "hi! how have you been doing?" and lots of confused-looking expressions. it felt weird.. somewhat like CYS, but not like CYS at the same time. becuz so many ppl were missing! i looked around for the usual familiar faces, and it all of a sudden hit me that they're never gonna sit in those seats again.. ah so sad. *sniff*
my arms are so sore. i better not skip calc tomorrow morning again. augh i'm such a slacker and i don't even care and that's what worries me. i worry becuz i'm not worrying. oy!
yay!!! the new blog i promised myself i would make is now up! i'm starting w/ the book of Romans becuz it's probably the most "encouraging" one, and encouragement is certainly what i need right now... i'm not gonna put any of that tagboard or links stuff on the page, so if you want to go to someone else's blog from my links or post any messages, just link back to "i've got the blues." cuz i'm gonna keep "food for the spirit" somewhat personal. k... *yawn* got busy day tomorrow... sleepy time.
7.28.2002
ahh.... *BIG smile* back from the church retreat!
(yes, in case you wondered why i didn't go online or write in my blog for, oh, four days straight, it's becuz i was at our annual church-wide retreat)
(and yes, in case you were surprised, i am a christian. and if you were THAT surprised, there's proof that i'm not a very good one)
i must say that i've been at an all-time spiritual low lately. i'm starting to ask questions about christianity as if i'm a non-christian. if i told you all my questions, they sound pretty normal. like questions anyone would ask about any religion. but to a person who has been a christian for SUCH a long time, it really is very very very very very scary that i'm doubting all this. everything i've believed in for uh... about 7 years now. so if you're the type to be interested in shellie's spiritual condition, read on.
i have been skeptical about everything church-ish i've been hearing for several months now. it's the whole "but why" business. i can't just BELIEVE anymore. i have to ask why. i have to ask why people believe the things they believe. why is the Bible taken as absolute truth for so many people? why is God so real in millions of people's hearts? why do some Christians speak in tongues, while others despise it? all these questions are completely normal for a non-christian friend that you might bring to church. but is it normal for me?
take prayer, for instance. have you realized how many people take it for granted? for many christians, praying is just another way of talking. but you're not just talking to anyone, you're talking to GOD, the maker of heaven and earth. from a non-christian's pov (point of view), people praying may look a bit weird, a buncha people closing their eyes and mumbling words they don't normally say. at least that was what i first thought about prayer. my first close encounter with a person praying was my sister, and she was praying for my mom and me, before we immigrated to the States. she was the first in our family to become a christian, and at that time, i remembered that in the middle of her prayer, i opened my eyes and just stared at her, because i thought it extremely strange what kind of a different person my sister had become. why did she believe that someone, some omni-powerful BEING, was listening to her? and now i'm once again asking the same thing. what exactly IS prayer? what differentiates our normal everyday conversation with friends from a conversation with God, if one does exist? and if God does exist, what makes us think that by closing our eyes, bowing our heads, and just TALKING into space, that God is listening? i know if i talk to anyone at church about this, that they will tell me about the time when Paul (or whoever it was in the Bible) prayed to God, "Lord, help my unbelief." but see? that's my problem! why should i pray??? why should i listen to the Bible? and the strangest thing is, why am i only starting to ask all this now? anyone that knows me well enough also knows that i always ask too many questions. so why did i never ask any questions about the most important thing in my life?
many of my questions that i ask out of my little faith can be answered by ricky's once-favorite subject, apologetics. but even if the "intellectual" aspects of Christianity were all proven to me, there still remains the most important thing that can never be proven, and that is the original question of whether or not God even exists. i feel extremely irritated and ashamed with myself that i am even asking this question, just because of who i once was, and who i have become now. Jesus said that blessed are those who have simple faith, like little children. but put bluntly, isn't child-like simple faith just "blind faith?" and to a person who is obessive about asking "why," you just can't tell her to simply believe. my mind just doesn't work that way. well, not anymore. i look at the lyrics to our worship songs, the same songs that i used to sing and drum and cry to, and i think to myself, do i really believe what i'm singing? or am i a hypocrite, just like the Pharisees? but i don't really agree with secular songs either. so i'm stuck. in a pathetic middle ground where i'm not really 100% christian, and not really non-Christian.
on a side note, on the way to the retreat on thursday, i must have looked deep in thought, becuz my mom asked me what i was thinking about. i shrugged it off, but she said, "aha! i still know what you're thinking." and i taunted, oh what am i thinking about? she said, "you are thinking about what you were doing at this same time last year." oh yikes. i wasn't thinking about that, but once she mentioned it, i immediately felt like crying. heh.. the longest conversation i've ever had on a cell phone. with...? yup, you guessed it. the reason i wanted to cry wasn't becuz i missed him, but it was just this whole rush of events. what happened AT the retreat, what happened after i got back, the aftermath of it all. when i told him last week that i was gonna be at the retreat, he was like, "oh.. THAT retreat... heh.." and to think that this whole Christianity business was what started it all, the thing i'm being so skeptical about, it's just... meh. no words to describe how it feels. to give up something so important for something so much more important. and to have both things end up slapping you in the face. well, maybe not that bad. but i'm exactly what Jesus described as "oh ye of little faith." and now i'm "ye of little faith PLUS someone who's had a not-working-so-great relationship in the past." oy oy oy!
i talked to my mom about my lack of faith business just now. it was quite a LONG conversation. but anyway, she convinced me to keep on reading the Bible and praying, not pretending to be chrisian-like, but praying to ask God why i don't believe everything anymore. and to ask Him for help, as little as i believe in Him. so my new idea is to make a spiritual journal. it's gonna have my thoughts from reading the Bible everyday. a devotional journal. and it's gonna be all digitalized!! haha.. yes, i am making another blog. woohoo! wow... come to think of it, this is strange. when i DID believe, i rarely was motivated enough to read the Bible. now that i don't really believe, i AM gonna read the Bible. hehe.. i crack myself up sometimes.
wow this was a long@$$ blog.
(yes, in case you wondered why i didn't go online or write in my blog for, oh, four days straight, it's becuz i was at our annual church-wide retreat)
(and yes, in case you were surprised, i am a christian. and if you were THAT surprised, there's proof that i'm not a very good one)
i must say that i've been at an all-time spiritual low lately. i'm starting to ask questions about christianity as if i'm a non-christian. if i told you all my questions, they sound pretty normal. like questions anyone would ask about any religion. but to a person who has been a christian for SUCH a long time, it really is very very very very very scary that i'm doubting all this. everything i've believed in for uh... about 7 years now. so if you're the type to be interested in shellie's spiritual condition, read on.
i have been skeptical about everything church-ish i've been hearing for several months now. it's the whole "but why" business. i can't just BELIEVE anymore. i have to ask why. i have to ask why people believe the things they believe. why is the Bible taken as absolute truth for so many people? why is God so real in millions of people's hearts? why do some Christians speak in tongues, while others despise it? all these questions are completely normal for a non-christian friend that you might bring to church. but is it normal for me?
take prayer, for instance. have you realized how many people take it for granted? for many christians, praying is just another way of talking. but you're not just talking to anyone, you're talking to GOD, the maker of heaven and earth. from a non-christian's pov (point of view), people praying may look a bit weird, a buncha people closing their eyes and mumbling words they don't normally say. at least that was what i first thought about prayer. my first close encounter with a person praying was my sister, and she was praying for my mom and me, before we immigrated to the States. she was the first in our family to become a christian, and at that time, i remembered that in the middle of her prayer, i opened my eyes and just stared at her, because i thought it extremely strange what kind of a different person my sister had become. why did she believe that someone, some omni-powerful BEING, was listening to her? and now i'm once again asking the same thing. what exactly IS prayer? what differentiates our normal everyday conversation with friends from a conversation with God, if one does exist? and if God does exist, what makes us think that by closing our eyes, bowing our heads, and just TALKING into space, that God is listening? i know if i talk to anyone at church about this, that they will tell me about the time when Paul (or whoever it was in the Bible) prayed to God, "Lord, help my unbelief." but see? that's my problem! why should i pray??? why should i listen to the Bible? and the strangest thing is, why am i only starting to ask all this now? anyone that knows me well enough also knows that i always ask too many questions. so why did i never ask any questions about the most important thing in my life?
many of my questions that i ask out of my little faith can be answered by ricky's once-favorite subject, apologetics. but even if the "intellectual" aspects of Christianity were all proven to me, there still remains the most important thing that can never be proven, and that is the original question of whether or not God even exists. i feel extremely irritated and ashamed with myself that i am even asking this question, just because of who i once was, and who i have become now. Jesus said that blessed are those who have simple faith, like little children. but put bluntly, isn't child-like simple faith just "blind faith?" and to a person who is obessive about asking "why," you just can't tell her to simply believe. my mind just doesn't work that way. well, not anymore. i look at the lyrics to our worship songs, the same songs that i used to sing and drum and cry to, and i think to myself, do i really believe what i'm singing? or am i a hypocrite, just like the Pharisees? but i don't really agree with secular songs either. so i'm stuck. in a pathetic middle ground where i'm not really 100% christian, and not really non-Christian.
on a side note, on the way to the retreat on thursday, i must have looked deep in thought, becuz my mom asked me what i was thinking about. i shrugged it off, but she said, "aha! i still know what you're thinking." and i taunted, oh what am i thinking about? she said, "you are thinking about what you were doing at this same time last year." oh yikes. i wasn't thinking about that, but once she mentioned it, i immediately felt like crying. heh.. the longest conversation i've ever had on a cell phone. with...? yup, you guessed it. the reason i wanted to cry wasn't becuz i missed him, but it was just this whole rush of events. what happened AT the retreat, what happened after i got back, the aftermath of it all. when i told him last week that i was gonna be at the retreat, he was like, "oh.. THAT retreat... heh.." and to think that this whole Christianity business was what started it all, the thing i'm being so skeptical about, it's just... meh. no words to describe how it feels. to give up something so important for something so much more important. and to have both things end up slapping you in the face. well, maybe not that bad. but i'm exactly what Jesus described as "oh ye of little faith." and now i'm "ye of little faith PLUS someone who's had a not-working-so-great relationship in the past." oy oy oy!
i talked to my mom about my lack of faith business just now. it was quite a LONG conversation. but anyway, she convinced me to keep on reading the Bible and praying, not pretending to be chrisian-like, but praying to ask God why i don't believe everything anymore. and to ask Him for help, as little as i believe in Him. so my new idea is to make a spiritual journal. it's gonna have my thoughts from reading the Bible everyday. a devotional journal. and it's gonna be all digitalized!! haha.. yes, i am making another blog. woohoo! wow... come to think of it, this is strange. when i DID believe, i rarely was motivated enough to read the Bible. now that i don't really believe, i AM gonna read the Bible. hehe.. i crack myself up sometimes.
wow this was a long@$$ blog.
7.24.2002
forgive (fer giv') -- v.t. 1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, sin, etc.); absolve. 2. to cease to feel resentment against...
something i've always been taught but have never learned. happiness doesn't come from saying, "ha! i'm right and you're wrong!" happiness comes from saying, "i don't CARE who's right or who's wrong, i just want my friend(s) back..."
heh. forgiveness. what a concept.
something i've always been taught but have never learned. happiness doesn't come from saying, "ha! i'm right and you're wrong!" happiness comes from saying, "i don't CARE who's right or who's wrong, i just want my friend(s) back..."
heh. forgiveness. what a concept.
7.23.2002
WARNING: this blog is extremely mushy. please don't read if you're one to barf at such things.
so i was talking to my new friend from comp class today, and he wanted to change the subject, so he said, "tell me about your parents." well, as i started talking about my mom, i realized that i had been taking too much for granted.
the kind of relationship i have with my mom is like no other. i would be even as bold as to compare ourselves to gilmore girls. hehe.. no, i'm not going to harvard. and no, my mom is not in her 30's. and of course, i do not have a boyfriend like dean. oh and also we're asian. duh. but other than that, we're practically identical!! hehehhe....
becuz my dad isn't here most of the time, my mom and i are practically like roomies. we roam the house with no restrictions or "house rules" whatsoever. we eat whenever we feel like, in front of our tv or in front of our lassie. neither of us have a bed time, although i have been known to take 5-hour naps. and most importantly, we can tell each other ANYTHING. when i talk to her, i get to hear about things from perspectives dramatically different from mine - from a mother, a wife, and a woman who realizes her hair is becoming white. i never feel as if i'm talking to my mom. i feel as if i'm talking to a best friend.. the way i talk to jaclyn, practically!
i feel so lucky to have this, especially being an asian kid in high school living in silicon valley. becuz my mom never butts in my academic and social (hah, that's funny) life, i have to really think for myself. she would never even mention about me taking SAT classes if i hadn't asked her if i could go to princeton review. she doesn't care what my GPA is, as long as i'm happy learning what i'm learning. that's the kind of cool mom she is. yes yes, mushy moment. let's all go *awwww*
and if i ever have a daughter in the future, that's exactly the way i want to raise her. yeah, VERY far off in the future, but everytime i look at mothers who try to control their children's lives, i feel infinitely sorry for both the parents and the kids. of course my mom's "method" may mean that i will make more mistakes than others, but at least i get to live my own life. i would HATE it if my parents ever tried to tell me what college to go to or what to major in. if my mom took me through every step of the "college planning process," as they like to call it, i would be a mindless pawn, and there is nothing sadder (?) than not being able to think for yourself. it's not like she doesn't care. she knows what i'm doing, and she lets me do it and learn things my own way. i am totally starting to fully appreciate it now.
see? it's almost 1 AM, and i have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. she knows it, but she never yells at me. i was late to my math class for an hour this morning. hopefully i'll learn! :P
so i was talking to my new friend from comp class today, and he wanted to change the subject, so he said, "tell me about your parents." well, as i started talking about my mom, i realized that i had been taking too much for granted.
the kind of relationship i have with my mom is like no other. i would be even as bold as to compare ourselves to gilmore girls. hehe.. no, i'm not going to harvard. and no, my mom is not in her 30's. and of course, i do not have a boyfriend like dean. oh and also we're asian. duh. but other than that, we're practically identical!! hehehhe....
becuz my dad isn't here most of the time, my mom and i are practically like roomies. we roam the house with no restrictions or "house rules" whatsoever. we eat whenever we feel like, in front of our tv or in front of our lassie. neither of us have a bed time, although i have been known to take 5-hour naps. and most importantly, we can tell each other ANYTHING. when i talk to her, i get to hear about things from perspectives dramatically different from mine - from a mother, a wife, and a woman who realizes her hair is becoming white. i never feel as if i'm talking to my mom. i feel as if i'm talking to a best friend.. the way i talk to jaclyn, practically!
i feel so lucky to have this, especially being an asian kid in high school living in silicon valley. becuz my mom never butts in my academic and social (hah, that's funny) life, i have to really think for myself. she would never even mention about me taking SAT classes if i hadn't asked her if i could go to princeton review. she doesn't care what my GPA is, as long as i'm happy learning what i'm learning. that's the kind of cool mom she is. yes yes, mushy moment. let's all go *awwww*
and if i ever have a daughter in the future, that's exactly the way i want to raise her. yeah, VERY far off in the future, but everytime i look at mothers who try to control their children's lives, i feel infinitely sorry for both the parents and the kids. of course my mom's "method" may mean that i will make more mistakes than others, but at least i get to live my own life. i would HATE it if my parents ever tried to tell me what college to go to or what to major in. if my mom took me through every step of the "college planning process," as they like to call it, i would be a mindless pawn, and there is nothing sadder (?) than not being able to think for yourself. it's not like she doesn't care. she knows what i'm doing, and she lets me do it and learn things my own way. i am totally starting to fully appreciate it now.
see? it's almost 1 AM, and i have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. she knows it, but she never yells at me. i was late to my math class for an hour this morning. hopefully i'll learn! :P
7.20.2002
i'm sad... :-(
too many things i can't fix.. or don't know how to fix. he was right, my apologies are always "ambivalent," and even when i AM the one at fault, i can't let go of my pride. even when i KNOW i'm losing something very valuable to me, something i can't ever get back again once it has all passed, i still can't get myself to do it.
i'm beginning to see why staying friends with your ex can sometimes be a very good thing. cuz they know you so well that they can tell your habits and the reasons behind your every seemingly insignificant gesture. and at the same time, they can help you see things from another perspective. like WHY did so-and-so say that.. how would he feel.. what i should say to him..
so i get it now. but.. i just can't do it. if it really meant that much to me, i should try to get it back, right? but it's so hard.. in the end, it won't matter anyway.
*sigh* i will really miss him though...
too many things i can't fix.. or don't know how to fix. he was right, my apologies are always "ambivalent," and even when i AM the one at fault, i can't let go of my pride. even when i KNOW i'm losing something very valuable to me, something i can't ever get back again once it has all passed, i still can't get myself to do it.
i'm beginning to see why staying friends with your ex can sometimes be a very good thing. cuz they know you so well that they can tell your habits and the reasons behind your every seemingly insignificant gesture. and at the same time, they can help you see things from another perspective. like WHY did so-and-so say that.. how would he feel.. what i should say to him..
so i get it now. but.. i just can't do it. if it really meant that much to me, i should try to get it back, right? but it's so hard.. in the end, it won't matter anyway.
*sigh* i will really miss him though...
7.19.2002
7.17.2002
ok. it is time for us to talk about singularities. yum! well, it's not the BEST time, becuz honestly, i'm still quite fuzzy about the subject. but i will initiate it today and if anyone wants to tell me more, IM me and i will GLADLY soak up the knowledge like a piece of expensive sponge.
so for those of you who don't know, a singularity works pretty much like a black hole. it's a big mass of material which basically sucks things in becuz the gravity is so great (bigger mass=bigger gravity). now, as Einstein (sp?) told us w/ his theory of relativity, if you can travel faster than the speed of light, you can go back in time. but as mr. mathiesen told us, you cannot travel faster than light becuz when you work out the equation, it's square root of c minus your velocity, c being the constant v at which light travels. and we all know that you can't have the square root of a negative number (unless you use imaginary numbers, which has nothing to do with singularities). this means that (c - your velocity) has to be greater than 0, therefore you cannot travel faster than light. it's just not mathematically possible.
if it's not mathematically possible, is it indeed impossible in practice? going back to singularities, there is such a thing as a "naked singularity." i forgot exactly what differentiates plain singularities from naked singularities, but anyway, a naked singularity behaves very strangely. in a naked singularity, the mass can get so great that the force with which the singularity pulls things in can approach infinity!! but how can you travel faster than light!? if you were to be sucked into such a singularity in space (and your body has not yet exploded, which it will if this were ever to happen in reality), and say you are travelling faster than light, somehow. then you will be travelling back in time. which MEANS that.. in this naked singularity, events will end just as they are starting, or before they have even started!!! what a concept eh? to see the result of a reaction before things have even reacted.. to see someone arriving before they even started travelling. ah.. but how is that possible??? i have yet to read more about this. or better yet, if you know more, please IM me and quench my thirst for knowledge!! ^_^
and now my mom is yelling for me to go eat dinner. i've only eaten once in the past two days! believe me, it's possible for me to FORGET to eat. bye bye mr. blog.
so for those of you who don't know, a singularity works pretty much like a black hole. it's a big mass of material which basically sucks things in becuz the gravity is so great (bigger mass=bigger gravity). now, as Einstein (sp?) told us w/ his theory of relativity, if you can travel faster than the speed of light, you can go back in time. but as mr. mathiesen told us, you cannot travel faster than light becuz when you work out the equation, it's square root of c minus your velocity, c being the constant v at which light travels. and we all know that you can't have the square root of a negative number (unless you use imaginary numbers, which has nothing to do with singularities). this means that (c - your velocity) has to be greater than 0, therefore you cannot travel faster than light. it's just not mathematically possible.
if it's not mathematically possible, is it indeed impossible in practice? going back to singularities, there is such a thing as a "naked singularity." i forgot exactly what differentiates plain singularities from naked singularities, but anyway, a naked singularity behaves very strangely. in a naked singularity, the mass can get so great that the force with which the singularity pulls things in can approach infinity!! but how can you travel faster than light!? if you were to be sucked into such a singularity in space (and your body has not yet exploded, which it will if this were ever to happen in reality), and say you are travelling faster than light, somehow. then you will be travelling back in time. which MEANS that.. in this naked singularity, events will end just as they are starting, or before they have even started!!! what a concept eh? to see the result of a reaction before things have even reacted.. to see someone arriving before they even started travelling. ah.. but how is that possible??? i have yet to read more about this. or better yet, if you know more, please IM me and quench my thirst for knowledge!! ^_^
and now my mom is yelling for me to go eat dinner. i've only eaten once in the past two days! believe me, it's possible for me to FORGET to eat. bye bye mr. blog.
it is 3:45 am now and yet again i took another quiz. now THIS one is more like me! ^_^
What Obscure Animal are you?
dude i gotta get up in 3 hours. better finish my calc. :P
What Obscure Animal are you?
dude i gotta get up in 3 hours. better finish my calc. :P
got bored with calc, so i started reading my friends' blogs. this cool test was in steph's blog. note: i do not believe in reincarnation, so the term "past life" didn't mean much to me while i took the qiuz. it's pretty predictable though.. anyway, click and enjoy!
What Was Your PastLife?
What Was Your PastLife?
7.16.2002
7.15.2002
f*ck it. some people need to get it in their minds that just because people work hard for college does NOT mean that they are all uptight, anal, competitive, and that everything they do is just to be able to put it on their college applications. of course i've thought about my goals in life. of course i know that sometimes there are "more important things in life." i DON'T need a huge lecture about priorities just becuz someone thinks that i am making a big mistake. so what IF i've worked hard to keep my grades up? yes, i've had to sacrifice a few pleasures, but that doesn't mean academics is ALL i care about. my life is not all just "work work work." some people need to get that in their heads!!
now, about ASB.. yes, i know a lot of people think i only went for the position to make my little column of extracurricular activities look fuller when i apply for college. well, if you think that, you're WRONG and you're probably just going through rationalizations becuz you cannot manage to spend some time getting more involved and you're jealous of those who are. yes, student government looks good for college. i'm not going to deny that that was part of what motivated me to run for the position. however, that is NOT the only reason for my wanting to be ASB secretary. i want to be able to help out our exec. council just as much, and maybe even more, than the rest of the officers. just becuz my SAT score is above average does NOT mean you can brand me the label of a suck-up who only cares about making herself look good. i'm willing to put in the time and energy to be the BEST ASB secretary i can, and if anyone still thinks that i'm not qualified enough for this job then they can go screw themselves.
now, about ASB.. yes, i know a lot of people think i only went for the position to make my little column of extracurricular activities look fuller when i apply for college. well, if you think that, you're WRONG and you're probably just going through rationalizations becuz you cannot manage to spend some time getting more involved and you're jealous of those who are. yes, student government looks good for college. i'm not going to deny that that was part of what motivated me to run for the position. however, that is NOT the only reason for my wanting to be ASB secretary. i want to be able to help out our exec. council just as much, and maybe even more, than the rest of the officers. just becuz my SAT score is above average does NOT mean you can brand me the label of a suck-up who only cares about making herself look good. i'm willing to put in the time and energy to be the BEST ASB secretary i can, and if anyone still thinks that i'm not qualified enough for this job then they can go screw themselves.
7.14.2002
i'm in a mood for quoting things today. so here is something else not written in my own words. excerpt from my result after taking the color quiz:
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.
the results always sound so derogatory! i must say, as cruel as they can be, they're pretty accurate. if any of you wanna take it, click the link at the left.
Needs to be valued and respected as an exceptional individual, in order to increase her self-esteem and her feeling of personal worth. Resists mediocrity and sets herself high standards.
the results always sound so derogatory! i must say, as cruel as they can be, they're pretty accurate. if any of you wanna take it, click the link at the left.
hehe.. just an interesting excerpt from a CYS letter written by our "directeur du camp:"
We, the Administrative Staff of the California Youth Symphony, in order to form a More Perfect Ensemble, Provide for Common Intonation, Ensure Interpersonal Tranquility, but jeopardize the Blessings of Sanity to Ourselves and our Posteriors, do Ordain and Establish Camp for the Purported Edification of You, or Repressed, Depressed, but Not Especially Impressed young Charges.
this is where i'm gonna be while missing band camp..?
We, the Administrative Staff of the California Youth Symphony, in order to form a More Perfect Ensemble, Provide for Common Intonation, Ensure Interpersonal Tranquility, but jeopardize the Blessings of Sanity to Ourselves and our Posteriors, do Ordain and Establish Camp for the Purported Edification of You, or Repressed, Depressed, but Not Especially Impressed young Charges.
this is where i'm gonna be while missing band camp..?
7.13.2002
i don't normally miss people when they're gone, unless it's my family and i'm younger than, say, 10 years old. it's not that i don't care that they're gone, or the fact that i'm going to see them less, or that i don't treasure my time with them. but i just don't feel very sad at the prospect of not seeing someone. i remember the good times we had, i wish the good times would continue, but when i find out that the good times are not continue w/ them, i just accept it and move on. i never knew why. but it might have something to do with the fact that i had to leave my friends a lot ever since i was young. i've been to four kindergartens, two elementary schools in taiwan, and four elementary schools in the States. i guess i just got used to making friends and then having to leave them again and again. makes me sound like an emotionless drone doesn't it? but what else could i have done??
the reason i mentioned this is becuz i was organizing some papers today, which forced me to put away some old stuff that i won't be using again. it made me think about all the things that had happened this year, and all the same things that will be happening all over again. but with different people. forgive me for my ambiguity, but i cannot allow myself to go into more detail.
as i was going through these things, i realized how much a part of my life this certain person has been. and i knew that things are going to be different. it's been a WHILE since i missed someone so much.. :-(
the reason i mentioned this is becuz i was organizing some papers today, which forced me to put away some old stuff that i won't be using again. it made me think about all the things that had happened this year, and all the same things that will be happening all over again. but with different people. forgive me for my ambiguity, but i cannot allow myself to go into more detail.
as i was going through these things, i realized how much a part of my life this certain person has been. and i knew that things are going to be different. it's been a WHILE since i missed someone so much.. :-(
so tired... i've been seeing a lot of church people lately. becuz i've been going to church. duh. the "little ones" grew up. not just physically, but i can tell from their actions and words that they have changed. that's life? the longer we live, the more lessons we learn.
i feel somewhat like a stray sheep becuz i have strayed away from God. at first, it was becuz i simply did not have time for fellowship meetings, and the fact that i didn't like the way they were run. but who am i to criticize the method with which a group of people must be organized? i guess i was too prideful back then.. and maybe i still am. but today, i truly felt i was not worthy. thinking back on all the things i have done and said, i feel less christian-like than non-christians! and like i wrote about in my narrative, i'm just not sure about christianity anymore. the whole "blind faith" business. why do i believe in God? if someone was to ask me that, i could probably formulate a satisfactory answer, but that is only to answer THEM. what do i tell myself? i'm at a time when i really don't want to just accept things that people tell me. like the song, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..." why am i so doubtful about it all? the worst part is, i don't know if it's good that i'm questioning things, or bad that i am losing faith. because as of now, i'm doing both. and i feel horrible. i know God doesn't want me to feel that way, and that i could always go to him. but... i can't do it. my fire has been stamped out. blah.
i feel somewhat like a stray sheep becuz i have strayed away from God. at first, it was becuz i simply did not have time for fellowship meetings, and the fact that i didn't like the way they were run. but who am i to criticize the method with which a group of people must be organized? i guess i was too prideful back then.. and maybe i still am. but today, i truly felt i was not worthy. thinking back on all the things i have done and said, i feel less christian-like than non-christians! and like i wrote about in my narrative, i'm just not sure about christianity anymore. the whole "blind faith" business. why do i believe in God? if someone was to ask me that, i could probably formulate a satisfactory answer, but that is only to answer THEM. what do i tell myself? i'm at a time when i really don't want to just accept things that people tell me. like the song, "Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so..." why am i so doubtful about it all? the worst part is, i don't know if it's good that i'm questioning things, or bad that i am losing faith. because as of now, i'm doing both. and i feel horrible. i know God doesn't want me to feel that way, and that i could always go to him. but... i can't do it. my fire has been stamped out. blah.
7.11.2002
sat in my computer programming class tonight. sometimes i space out and start to think in another direction, about the same topic. tonight i thought about programming as it applies to life in general.
i guess it has never occured to me until this day that everything, as we know it, exists in some form of code or another. when we communicate with other people, we are putting our thoughts into code, and we call this code our language. when we see things, it is becuz light rays bounce off of objects and the image is transfered onto our retina, through the optic nerves and into the brain.. a bunch of coding and "translations" there. when we sing, we are putting sounds into a code we call music. and of course when we hear it, vibrations in the air travel through our ear drums and move those malleus incus stapes thingies and eventually gets to the brain. ALL CODES AND TRANSLATIONS in some form or another.
why was i thinking about this? well, we had to write pseudocode for some routine task as our homework. it wasn't until i had to write out every single detail about brushing my teeth that i realized i myself am like a program, and when i brush my teeth, i am going through a set of algorithms so i can complete the job every single day. of course, i'm not robotic or anything. my brain somehow processes my own codes. but it reminds me of how everything works on their own set of "code," which exists in everything we do, but perhaps not recognizable at times. things are done becuz they are put into some form of a code and eventually translated to another form so that something else may understand it and complete the task. and look, i am the one writing codes now! by typing some letters into my visual c++ program and saving it as a source file, it gets compiled and linked and voila! something happens just the way i designed it to happen. now is that a rush or what.
it's scary to think that in everything we do we are carrying out functions in a program. which leads to the question: who is the programmer? the Christian would say God. and what form does God exist in? that's another BIG question for another time. IS there even a program at all? or does everything happen spontaneously? if nothing was ever planned out and everything happens just becuz they do, then is the universe created from a series of "coincidences?" haha.. so i guess every baby born is an "accident" then? well.. we'll never know. if there really IS a program for everything that exists, then we will never escape from this program, becuz even if we think we did, we could have been programmed to "escape."
arghs. i wish i were in alex's "truth and knowledge" philo class. >_<
i guess it has never occured to me until this day that everything, as we know it, exists in some form of code or another. when we communicate with other people, we are putting our thoughts into code, and we call this code our language. when we see things, it is becuz light rays bounce off of objects and the image is transfered onto our retina, through the optic nerves and into the brain.. a bunch of coding and "translations" there. when we sing, we are putting sounds into a code we call music. and of course when we hear it, vibrations in the air travel through our ear drums and move those malleus incus stapes thingies and eventually gets to the brain. ALL CODES AND TRANSLATIONS in some form or another.
why was i thinking about this? well, we had to write pseudocode for some routine task as our homework. it wasn't until i had to write out every single detail about brushing my teeth that i realized i myself am like a program, and when i brush my teeth, i am going through a set of algorithms so i can complete the job every single day. of course, i'm not robotic or anything. my brain somehow processes my own codes. but it reminds me of how everything works on their own set of "code," which exists in everything we do, but perhaps not recognizable at times. things are done becuz they are put into some form of a code and eventually translated to another form so that something else may understand it and complete the task. and look, i am the one writing codes now! by typing some letters into my visual c++ program and saving it as a source file, it gets compiled and linked and voila! something happens just the way i designed it to happen. now is that a rush or what.
it's scary to think that in everything we do we are carrying out functions in a program. which leads to the question: who is the programmer? the Christian would say God. and what form does God exist in? that's another BIG question for another time. IS there even a program at all? or does everything happen spontaneously? if nothing was ever planned out and everything happens just becuz they do, then is the universe created from a series of "coincidences?" haha.. so i guess every baby born is an "accident" then? well.. we'll never know. if there really IS a program for everything that exists, then we will never escape from this program, becuz even if we think we did, we could have been programmed to "escape."
arghs. i wish i were in alex's "truth and knowledge" philo class. >_<
7.08.2002
ah.. a nostalgic moment. it's summer.. time for vacations. if i could choose to be anywhere in the world right now, i would, as always, choose taipei. how could i ever forget such a place...
..where the perfectly colored fake grass feels prickly against your skin
..where the only time you'll see so many neighbors together is when the garbage truck plays the tune "fur elise"
..where every 7-11 sells tea leaf eggs
..where it's not surprising to buy pearl milk tea for 50 cents
..where "the party's only begun" at 12 AM
..where the closest you can get to breathing clean air is if you drove up to a mountain
..where it's common to have to go through four different keys in order to get inside your tiny apartment, right across the laundromat with that scary looking guy staring at you all the time
..where the "mayonaise" is translucent!
..where people parallel park by bumping a little bit into the car in front and behind them
..where you fall asleep to the sounds of motorcycles zooming by down below
..where people express their height in centimeters, weight in kilograms, and the temperature in celsius, and no one finds it odd
..where father's day is on august 8th, becuz it's pronounced ba-ba jie
..where you can catch lively creatures such as cockroaches and mice on these sticky boards you put in your kitchen, and you can poke them and they squirm
..where people know what you're talking about when you say you play the electone
..where food served in dingy little stands on the street can taste sooooo much better than that served in a fancy restaurant
..where every girls' socks have cute lil designs on them (do they even SELL plain white socks??)
..where i can walk the streets and remember details about what i used to do or say or feel in a certain place.. who i used to be with.. what secrets i kept after all these years.. where the boy who had a crush on me followed me all the way home that afternoon.. the breakfast i could ALWAYS wake up to.. the shopping malls where i used to throw temper tantrums becuz i couldn't get something.. the lady in the market who always sold us yiang-le-duo.. the people my mom always haggled with.. ah.. so many memories.. and they say i won't go back to taiwan for college? who knows...
but if you're reading this, i'm so glad i moved here, becuz i met you!! ^_^
..where the perfectly colored fake grass feels prickly against your skin
..where the only time you'll see so many neighbors together is when the garbage truck plays the tune "fur elise"
..where every 7-11 sells tea leaf eggs
..where it's not surprising to buy pearl milk tea for 50 cents
..where "the party's only begun" at 12 AM
..where the closest you can get to breathing clean air is if you drove up to a mountain
..where it's common to have to go through four different keys in order to get inside your tiny apartment, right across the laundromat with that scary looking guy staring at you all the time
..where the "mayonaise" is translucent!
..where people parallel park by bumping a little bit into the car in front and behind them
..where you fall asleep to the sounds of motorcycles zooming by down below
..where people express their height in centimeters, weight in kilograms, and the temperature in celsius, and no one finds it odd
..where father's day is on august 8th, becuz it's pronounced ba-ba jie
..where you can catch lively creatures such as cockroaches and mice on these sticky boards you put in your kitchen, and you can poke them and they squirm
..where people know what you're talking about when you say you play the electone
..where food served in dingy little stands on the street can taste sooooo much better than that served in a fancy restaurant
..where every girls' socks have cute lil designs on them (do they even SELL plain white socks??)
..where i can walk the streets and remember details about what i used to do or say or feel in a certain place.. who i used to be with.. what secrets i kept after all these years.. where the boy who had a crush on me followed me all the way home that afternoon.. the breakfast i could ALWAYS wake up to.. the shopping malls where i used to throw temper tantrums becuz i couldn't get something.. the lady in the market who always sold us yiang-le-duo.. the people my mom always haggled with.. ah.. so many memories.. and they say i won't go back to taiwan for college? who knows...
but if you're reading this, i'm so glad i moved here, becuz i met you!! ^_^
talked to a certain person just now... reminds me of how much things have changed. i still remember that phone call i made to him at 12 at night. i cried to him... i couldn't control myself and i had to let go of my pride, cuz it was just so hard to hide anything in front of him. i remembered that i felt i was so stupid to pour out all these things to him, and so late at night. today, i felt the same thing. except from the other perspective. of course, he didn't cry to me on the phone, but all of a sudden i felt as if i was the one trying to assure him that everything was gonna be alright, and that he was the one who no longer could control himself.. his emotions, his feelings... makes me feel heartless. that i don't feel much of what he feels anymore. but how could i? these past two weeks has separated me somehow from all the things that happened here... it's strange how a trip can change so much of what i felt like i had belonged to all this time... well, what can i say? things are gonna be alright.. we just have to wait and see to believe it.
do i talk about things too personal on this blog? i don't feel like i do.. there is so much that i don't say on here simply becuz it goes on a webpage that anyone can read. but sometimes when people mention things to me that i wrote on my blog, i feel like i've said too much. ah.. this whole blog thing confuses me. maybe i should just go back to my diary. at least then i won't have to feel like i have to keep some things to myself.
why are people the way they are?
do i talk about things too personal on this blog? i don't feel like i do.. there is so much that i don't say on here simply becuz it goes on a webpage that anyone can read. but sometimes when people mention things to me that i wrote on my blog, i feel like i've said too much. ah.. this whole blog thing confuses me. maybe i should just go back to my diary. at least then i won't have to feel like i have to keep some things to myself.
why are people the way they are?
7.07.2002
7.06.2002
nothing's been working out lately...
my deanza classes are a big MESS! i can't get in my math class in the morning. the only class i'm in is an 8-week computer class at NIGHT, which conflicts with every single activity imaginable that i'm supposed to do over summer. of the six CYS summer rehearsals, i can only make it to ONE!!! why? becuz my stupid computer class is on monday and wednesday nights, exactly the same as CYS rehearsals. and the last rehearsal, on thursday, i still can't go to becuz it conflicts with ASB camp. ahhhhh!!!! why is it that when i have nothing to do, i can't find anythign to do. and when i do have something to do, other things are on the exact same day!! and then CYS camp is gonna take away a week of my computer class.. the week before finals! even the stupid senior picture appointment falls on my computer class day.. well that can be changed easily (i hope). but why is NOTHING working out!! once again i cannot make it to that ASB dinner. the first dinner, i was in france. the second time he canceled the lunch, which i could have gone to. the third time i won't be able to go becuz of my stupid computer class which conflicts with everything. it's not like i have too many activities and not enough time. like today, i spent the entire day sleeping eating and watching meteor garden. so i have a LOT of free time. but every group or activity i'm a part of likes to schedule things on the same day. this is so frustrating!!!
what do i do? i already talked to prof. chan into letting me miss that week before finals. but now, what do i do about CYS rehearsals? will he let me change my classes to mornings? i know every single class is already full. and that means i'd have to give up math. noooooooo!!! that math teacher is so mean! what will happen if i can't make it to all those rehearsals?? wahhhhh
*sigh*
maybe i should just drop everything and stay home and be idle all day. *sniff*
my deanza classes are a big MESS! i can't get in my math class in the morning. the only class i'm in is an 8-week computer class at NIGHT, which conflicts with every single activity imaginable that i'm supposed to do over summer. of the six CYS summer rehearsals, i can only make it to ONE!!! why? becuz my stupid computer class is on monday and wednesday nights, exactly the same as CYS rehearsals. and the last rehearsal, on thursday, i still can't go to becuz it conflicts with ASB camp. ahhhhh!!!! why is it that when i have nothing to do, i can't find anythign to do. and when i do have something to do, other things are on the exact same day!! and then CYS camp is gonna take away a week of my computer class.. the week before finals! even the stupid senior picture appointment falls on my computer class day.. well that can be changed easily (i hope). but why is NOTHING working out!! once again i cannot make it to that ASB dinner. the first dinner, i was in france. the second time he canceled the lunch, which i could have gone to. the third time i won't be able to go becuz of my stupid computer class which conflicts with everything. it's not like i have too many activities and not enough time. like today, i spent the entire day sleeping eating and watching meteor garden. so i have a LOT of free time. but every group or activity i'm a part of likes to schedule things on the same day. this is so frustrating!!!
what do i do? i already talked to prof. chan into letting me miss that week before finals. but now, what do i do about CYS rehearsals? will he let me change my classes to mornings? i know every single class is already full. and that means i'd have to give up math. noooooooo!!! that math teacher is so mean! what will happen if i can't make it to all those rehearsals?? wahhhhh
*sigh*
maybe i should just drop everything and stay home and be idle all day. *sniff*
7.05.2002
exuberantWaWa: so that makes me a bad girl?
exuberantWaWa: :-(
FiddleTFM: pretty much so. I see no way to put that in a good way
exuberantWaWa: you don't like me anymore
FiddleTFM: that I'm not sure about
FiddleTFM: maybe I do, but I don't know if it's worth it anymore
exuberantWaWa: oh
exuberantWaWa: well, um...
exuberantWaWa: i did come back
FiddleTFM: oh well
FiddleTFM: but aren't I going off to college?
FiddleTFM: is it even worth it for you to come back?
exuberantWaWa: of course i thought about that
exuberantWaWa: and of course it's worth it
exuberantWaWa: for a while i thougth to myself
exuberantWaWa: ok, i made a big mistake, and now he's mad at me, but i guess i can't do anything about it cuz he's going off to college anyway and we're probably not gonna talk to each other as often
exuberantWaWa: but then.. i don't know
exuberantWaWa: i know it's worth it
*sigh*
how do i do this?
exuberantWaWa: :-(
FiddleTFM: pretty much so. I see no way to put that in a good way
exuberantWaWa: you don't like me anymore
FiddleTFM: that I'm not sure about
FiddleTFM: maybe I do, but I don't know if it's worth it anymore
exuberantWaWa: oh
exuberantWaWa: well, um...
exuberantWaWa: i did come back
FiddleTFM: oh well
FiddleTFM: but aren't I going off to college?
FiddleTFM: is it even worth it for you to come back?
exuberantWaWa: of course i thought about that
exuberantWaWa: and of course it's worth it
exuberantWaWa: for a while i thougth to myself
exuberantWaWa: ok, i made a big mistake, and now he's mad at me, but i guess i can't do anything about it cuz he's going off to college anyway and we're probably not gonna talk to each other as often
exuberantWaWa: but then.. i don't know
exuberantWaWa: i know it's worth it
*sigh*
how do i do this?
back from cys tour. and it's true, this blog is bad for me. i haven't written in my diary since... june 6! >_< lasiosa;ljo diwjdf asodifw
too many things happened during tour.. alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex.. the underground business of cys. hah.. well there were good parts too. the good parts on shown on photos of myself and my friends. those were some really good photos, i used up 9 rolls of film!!
i don't know why i did what i did with greg. i guess it's like that movie unfaithful. it feels so much the same way. the girl didn't have any reason to find another guy, her marriage was near perfect, her husband wasn't sex-less. so why did she go for that other guy??? i don't know, and i don't know about myself either, but even tho i can't explain it, i feel it. i think this is something every girl needs. to feel that the guy she likes likes her back too. and to see him show it. before the tour, tyson treated me like just another friend, so much this way that i completely had no idea that he still liked me until we talked on that night about greg. i know it's my fault that this happened. but i still wished someone understood how i felt. he asked me if it's not official does it not mean anything? that's not true. of course it meant something. if i knew he liked me i would never have done it. i didn't think he'd care becuz we had been treating each other like regular friends! but obviously i was wrong... then the second time, on the airplane.. why did i put my head on his shoulder? to me, it didn't really matter, becuz our little "fling" was gonna be over in a few hours anyway. i never meant for me and greg to be in a committed relationship. i knew he wasn't serious with me, and neither was i with him. well i got my little fling, but at what price? what a confusing two weeks.
i hurt someone once again. why do i always hurt the people closest to me?
too many things happened during tour.. alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex.. the underground business of cys. hah.. well there were good parts too. the good parts on shown on photos of myself and my friends. those were some really good photos, i used up 9 rolls of film!!
i don't know why i did what i did with greg. i guess it's like that movie unfaithful. it feels so much the same way. the girl didn't have any reason to find another guy, her marriage was near perfect, her husband wasn't sex-less. so why did she go for that other guy??? i don't know, and i don't know about myself either, but even tho i can't explain it, i feel it. i think this is something every girl needs. to feel that the guy she likes likes her back too. and to see him show it. before the tour, tyson treated me like just another friend, so much this way that i completely had no idea that he still liked me until we talked on that night about greg. i know it's my fault that this happened. but i still wished someone understood how i felt. he asked me if it's not official does it not mean anything? that's not true. of course it meant something. if i knew he liked me i would never have done it. i didn't think he'd care becuz we had been treating each other like regular friends! but obviously i was wrong... then the second time, on the airplane.. why did i put my head on his shoulder? to me, it didn't really matter, becuz our little "fling" was gonna be over in a few hours anyway. i never meant for me and greg to be in a committed relationship. i knew he wasn't serious with me, and neither was i with him. well i got my little fling, but at what price? what a confusing two weeks.
i hurt someone once again. why do i always hurt the people closest to me?