aw...! *sniff*

bleh. dead shellie. x_X

i, too, am waiting for godot.

arghs... been so tired out lately... fell asleep in both my classes today!! and i didn't even realize how bad it was until in the middle of our lit discussion, justin asked me, "shelley are you ok?" i realized how horrible a state i must have been in. then kafung tells me his lil brother saw me walking through quad, looking "stoned." *sigh* i don't think i'm doing ok.. no, not ok at all. i drove home at lunch and immediately collapsed on my bed, then woke up at 2:55 and rushed to speech & debate meeting. my dad got mad at me cuz i didn't eat breakfast or lunch, becuz i said i had "no time." how can i not have time to eat?? everyone must have time to eat! you have to make time!!! but all this rushing around lately have definitely been bad for me. good thing i dropped my comp class.

christina told me she dropped tennis. my mom's been urging me to drop SOMEthing. like band, she says. but i can't drop anything even if i wanted to! everything i've been doing is mandatory, and if not mandatory, it's becuz without it, my life would be miserable. (like band!) right now it's not THAT bad. i mean, i'd rather be busy than idle. so i guess i can't complain, really. but... well hopefully this new "twist" in my life is a change for the better. everyone says so, don't they? i might as well take their word for it, becuz i don't know what else to believe anymore. certainly not in myself.

a very pessimistic shellie.

sometimes i really don't understand how the world works... how can something so definite, so sure, become completely opposite the next second?? what did i do to make them hate me so much, and so suddenly?? i have too many questions floating around in my head right now.. all i wanted was a true friend... but i guess it was too much to ask..

i should have been smarter than this. i should have known. now i have to learn to be strong all over again.

ahhhhh!!! everyone's complained about college apps so i'm gonna put in my own lil spiel of the day about colleges. today i got the paper app from stanford and i was looking through their calendar.. and live audition date is october 19! yikes. and i'm pretty sure i'll apply early decision. my parents are yet to be disillusioned about the fact that the chances of their asian daughter getting in stanford is next to none. wah. >_<

stanford essay: significant obejct or risk. which should i choose??? those are the only two options! and ah everything is due nov. 1!!!! this is horrible.. why do we have to be seniors?!

a very much disturbed Asian high schooler.

不 說 再 見 我 們 卻 瞭 解
分 開 了 不 代 表 會 改 變

sorri, i copied you kaka! >_^
永 遠 的 畫 面

i've always known this day would come.. hehe.. i'm just glad it ended on a semi-good note.

so tired from cys... 7 hours!! >_<

what an interesting day.. had lots of talks with parents today. first with kaka's parents, then with christina's mom, then came back and talked with my own dad. hmm... strange way of celebrating moon festival.

my parents went to my dad's cousin's house for the moon festival, but i didn't feel like going. then at around 10:30ish i got a call from xtina inviting me over for mooncakes. that was fun. her house is always very.. active! her mom is interesting too. we have arbitrarily decided for xtina that she should play the french horn or saxophone, according to her personality. :D tea was good, except i dunno if i can sleep now. hehe..

came back and my dad started a huge rant about taiwanese colleges. mom already went to sleep. he's had a bit too much to drink cuz his face and chest are all red. i notice that almost every single day, he comes up with a brand new sales pitch about going to college in taiwan. today was about how he has given me advantage over tens of thousands of taiwanese high schoolers striving to get into top schools in tw. yes i'm thankful for that. but i'm still trying to get across the point to him that i will keep all my options open, and because i also might stay here, i have to do a LOT of american college prep too!! he seems to assume that i'll follow the nice easy path he has created for me. xtina's mom thinks i should stay here. who knows.. it all depends on which colleges i get into here. funny, my parents still think i have a chance at stanford.

complete change of subject. i think it's time to refocus my life. i've been too unbalanced on the "social scale." that football game and today's conversations made me see that. i've been so.. detached from my environment! both physically and mentally. part of it has to do with how busy and stressed out i've become. like most ppl, when i get too stressed out, i become very cranky and prone to snap at people. so i just might as well not talk. perhaps i've been wrong all this time. but yes. i need to spread myself out and "give other people chances." *hint*hint* to a certain someone. haha.. pu tong peng you right? >_^

hmm... wanna get back in touch with some ppl.

why did the things that used to be so easy all of a sudden become so difficult? i think something in my brain must be disintegrating...

there are so many secrets in this world. words whispered. things done in shame. things like "hey can you imagine what so-and-so would think if he/she found out?!"

if you think about the amont of things you don't tell other people, that is probably the amount of things other people don't tell you. just the thought of this makes me shudder. why do we hide so many things from each other? i guess sometimes it's for the best. some things we're just not supposed to know about. it's better if we don't know. maybe we don't want to know.

hmm... sometimes i wish i could communicate with some people. it feels horrible to be so excluded. and it feels horrible to exclude. how did we end up like this???

drained.

some girls have the amazing ability to appear calm and collected even when inside, it's all stormy and tornado-y. i guess it's like a pot of oil. even when the oil gets really really hot, it will still look calm on the surface. it won't go gurgling and bubbling like when water boils. but if you're fooled by the serene surface of the hot oil, you will get BADLY BADLY BURNED.

why girls, you ask? pure observation. bias? of course i'm biased! but i've noticed how much easier it is for a girl to smile even when she's unhappy, than for a guy. i wonder why that is... hehe "but whyyy"

i know i do it too, but i hope i don't do it TOO often.. cuz i know some people who can see right through me. if they knew everything, they might think i'm very foolish... heh. very foolish indeed...

hmm... i guess, just like everone else, i've been a little too busy lately. but i don't know why, my entire outlook on life has been changing ever since... summer? i used to be so much more.. uptight about stuff i had to do! and yes, i still get stressed out at times, but for some reason, my lifestyle isn't so work-work-work anymore. this can be good, or it can be bad.. like i haven't even finalized my list of colleges to apply to yet! let alone start on the apps. >_<

but somehow i just know, everything will turn out alright...

i'm so glad i have all these wonderful people who care so much about me.. ^_^ they watch out for me and make sure i don't "get taken advantage of..." hehe *wink* people who care if i get sick.. people who care if i don't do my hw.. people who care if i get burnt out.. people who care if i get bored, get tired, get cold, get hungry.. hehehe.. i get a warm feeling everytime i think about that.

complete change of subject. sometimes it can be fun to go shopping with guys. they give you "guy" advice. i also noticed that there are two extreme types of male shoppers: the first is the drone. he walks around with the girl, the girl sees something interesting, and the guy gets bored and eventually ends up waiting outside or on some chair. for me, this is the worst possible scenario, becuz it's boring for the guy and the girl will feel guilty.

the second type is the slave. the slave walks around with the girl too. but when the girl sees something interesting, the guy stays around to help search for "rare sizes." :D then the girl goes to try it on, and when she comes out, the guy gives her his honest opinion. and if the girl needs other sizes, the guy goes to get it for her (and remembers where it was from too!) after they exit the shop, the guy holds all the bags for the girl. this guy is also talented enough to remember the location of the girl's favorite foods, nearest bathrooms, and where the car was parked. :P

usually guys don't act like either one of the above described. they're somewhere in the middle. if someday, however, i do find a guy who leans toward the "slave" type, i would grab on and never let go. hehe! yup yup.

ahhh ok enough blogging. should practice piano now.

angela and i were talking about this song today during our togo's trip. i really like it!


sk8ter boy
avril lavigne

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can i make it any more obvious
He was a punk
She did ballet
What more can i say
He wanted her
She'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well
But all of her friends
Stuck up their nose
They had a problem with his baggy clothes

He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
She had a pretty face
But her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to earth

5 years from now
She sits at home
Feeding the baby she's all alone
She turns on tv
Guess who she sees
Skater boy rockin up MTV
She calls up her friends
They already know
And they've all got
Tickets to see his show
She tags along
Stands in the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down

He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a super star
Slamming on his guitar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the man that boy could be
There is more that meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside

He's just a boy
And Im just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we rock eachothers world

I'm with the skater boy
I said see you later boy
I'll be back stage after the show
I'll be at the studio
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know

i dunno how i've become so busy lately... seems like every single minute is precious.. that's why i haven't been blogging so much lately i guess. that must also be why everyone started a bunch of blogs during summer and now no one's blogging or reading blogs.. i guess you have to be kinda a very.. reflective kind of person to do this a lot? hmm i dunno. it's a good way to vent sometimes though.

ahhhh i'm one of those unfortunate people who can't stand being busy. how much time do i spend in a week doing things i'm supposed to do? arghs.

this week has been hectic. shellie is so burnt out she is crisp.

was doing some cleaning in my "Shelley" folder and found a buncha old convos, this one caught my eye. sometimes when i read old convos, i'm reminded of how funny life can be. these things are what keep me sane..! heh.. they remind me to not take life too seriously, cuz you never know where the next turn will take ya.

this one was dated October 29, 2001. (yes not only do i save my convos but they're dated too, maybe it's a minute maid thing >_^) almost been a whole year..!

T: i been weak and i let myself be fooled for sometime..shelie i love u and i care for u
T: that's why i had to do wat i did as bsed as it sounds to u
T: i didn't want to see u become someone i couldn't talk with..see or even look without becoming bitter
T: dont put up a fite..just let it be...

T: do ur hw...
T: concentrate on skoo..
T: we be friends..and we'll try
T: it'll be hard...
T: but to get over this..
T: sigh..
e: are we just gonna be like this forever?
e: and ever and ever and ever
T: its hard..it always is..no one ever said i'td be ez...
T: iono..shelley
T: that's up to fate..

heh.. one of these days i'm gonna think back on what i'm doing now and say to myself, "now wasn't THAT strange..."

some new and exciting updates in shellie's life!

1. guess what? i'm the MINUTE MAID! hehehe... discovered this during leadership with angela. my new nickname. if you don't get it, ask me cuz i'm not explaining it in here or else it won't be funny anymore.

2. i have found the key to christina's heart. *wink* isn't that right chrissy?

3. i guess it's pretty cool if your ex's parents treat you like their own daughter. free prom dress and rental on their son? ooh.. how can anyone resist.. *drool* hehe j/k! wow, endless supply of yummy cantonese food. *giggle*

4. when shopping for perfume/cologne, be sure that it's for HUMANS and not for dogs or cats. hint: it will say on the bottle, "for dogs."

5. i love tyson!! haha are you reading this? >_^

dad came back from taiwan. it felt weird again, becuz for a long while my mom was practically a single parent. i've always known my dad as a rather distant figure who made a lotta family decisions even though he wasn't living with us. kinda like the king in england was to the colonies during pre-revolution days... hehe.. except my dad isn't some tyrannical king. he's actually a very nice guy.. just misunderstood sometimes becuz he's one of those chinese males who aren't the best at expressing themselves.

along w/ my dad also came the new jay chou cd. i am so unupdated on these things! well, i love the cd. except i saw that he wrote all the songs.. i wonder if when i start playing the guitar, maybe i could write my own songs too? i don't like the ones i've written so far, becuz i "had to" write them.. eh..

dad also showed us the floor plans for the apartments. they all look so.. neat and organized! everyone lives in their tiny lil cubicle houses. then they wake up and drive their tiny lil cubicle cars to another tiny lil cubicle, where they work all day. and everywhere they go, they see thousands of the same nondescript faces in the city, just like them. then at the end of the day, they return to their tiny lil cubicle houses again, watching their tiny lil cubicle tv's.

i've always hated cubes.

sugar cubes are pretty cool, i guess, but all other kinds of cubes are scary to me. especially after living in an actual house w/ a backyard that has real grass, i don't know if i'd be able to survive back in taiwan... but it's still pretty cool to know that i own two bedrooms and a bath. my sister would be right next door. literally, on the other side of the wall, cuz of the cubicle-ness of the taiwanese apartments. meh. it's all so very odd.

*sigh* in a melancholy mood tonight...

just had a huge talk with my mom. at times, she can be so pessimistic, and me so optimistic in comparison. and sometimes she has the ability to make me see how being overly optimistic can be very harmful for myself. and it made me question the whole concept of "it is better to give than to receive."

arghs. why do people have to be so difficult. why do you have to measure out exactly how much of yourself to give, and how much people appreciate what you have given them? i consider myself a rather selfish person, and even i don't like doing that.

"are you worth my while?"

i've always hated those chinese american books written by a chinese american author talking about their chinese families and their american lives and how they've had to face all these difficulties becuz they're chinese. like joy luck club. i hated joy luck club. ricky knows. hated hated hated. it always seemed as if they wanted the whole world to know about their exaggerated troubles, which they're not the only ones facing but are the only ones complaining about it (pardon my bad grammar). i've always hated any writer who tries to receive pity from their readers. ew. and the worst part is, they're usually written from a more american point of view than a chinese point of view. i always feel like when i'm reading from their perspective, i'm an outsider looking in. looking into the traditional chinese' lives. and i hate that, becuz it always makes me feel so detached from my own culture/family/root whatever you wanna call it.

so i really wasn't looking forward to woman warrior. but i finished it this morning at 5. i must say, woman warrior isn't like the other chinese american stories i've read. the best part about it is that she actually manages to talk about her life from both the chinese point of view AND the american point of view. i know it seemed like joy luck club was very chinese-y, but kingston rarely complained about the whole identity crisis-related problems in woman warrior. and i could actually identify with her troubles. in joy luck club, i hated the daughers. and i hated the mothers. and i hated the fact that i hated them, becuz i wasn't supposed to hate them at all! the daughters were way too american and, in my eyes, too un-filial for being chinese daughters. and the mothers, so narrow-minded. i hated how amy tan can make a fellow chinese american female feel so detached from the kind of people they have been around their whole entire life.

the part i loved the most about woman warrior was when she described her torturing that poor chinese girl who never talked. every word she said to the chinese girl reminded me of something i've forgotten for a long while. some of the things she said to the girl, i knew she had spoken them at one time or another to herself. telling herself that she had to be strong and speak the foreign language, or else everyone will pick on them, look down on them, ignore them, or think that they are stupid. now, the last thing i want to become is a drama queen. but i must say, i've completely forgotten about the days when i had to transform myself from a fob to an ex-fob. that's how powerful woman warrior was to me. it reminded me of the process fobs like me had to go through. actually, fobs nowadays have it so much easier than fobs back then. i remember in my fourth grade ELD class in devargas, there were only two chinese people including me. i hated the other chinese girl because she was just irritating to be around. i was originally supposed to be in john muir, but the class was too big so they transferred some of us to other schools. me, devargas. (i was actually supposed to go to dilworth, which i did in 5th grade, but they didn't have any fob classes, so i had to go to devargas until i passed my fob english test)

i remembered how much i got picked on, even by the fob kids. gosh, little kids can be so cruel! i remember one time i was in line for handball. i left briefly to walk inside the court for some conflict over the rules. when i came back, they had taken my spot, and when i tried explaining to them how i only left line a little bit but still stayed in the game, they just laughed at me and wouldn't let me get back to the front of the line. gosh. i still remember that girl's face. and how stupid i must have felt becuz i obviously couldn't explain myself very well in such broken english. i hated myself for not knowing the language of the land i was in.

one time i had been fumbling around in a box my mom kept in her desk drawer. i found the little pin that said "book it!" the pin had a picture of a bunch of little kids at a party, with five cakes and candles on them. five gold candle stickers were each stuck carefully on the pin, where the candles stood and gave a blank spot where the sticker was supposed to belong. i had felt so proud for earning all five stickers. they were the reward for me reading my fob books. each month, we had a certain number of books we had to finish and do reports on. everyone had different numbers, depending on how fobbish they are. i started with five each month. once i completed and turned in five book reports, i got a free pizza from pizza hut and earned one candle sticker. then next, the number required rose to 10 books. they were simple fob books, like curious george and stuff, that fobs like me could understand. i remember my mom and i would check them out from the library, and she would guide me through the reading and help me write the reports. i still remember the repetitive words she always told me to write in my reports, spoken to me through her heavy chinese accented english. we would sit on the ground, around the coffee table in her room, while the rain poured and thunder roared about us outside the house. it was just the two of us in the beginning. two newly immigrated chinese fobs sitting in their newly rented first american house, reading unfamiliar sguiggly words, attempting to adjust to a way of life which completely baffled them, and sometimes made them shed silent tears on their pillows at night. eventually i learned the language somehow (it wasn't as hard as chinese! haha j/k). toward the end i had to read about 25 books per month. i think that was when i earned my fifth and last sticker on the pin. of course, my english was still very bad at the end of fourth grade, when i tested out of eld becuz i scored 99% on my fob test. haha i remind myself of scott.. his "99%!!" hehehhe..

there are thousands more horror fob stories, some i don't wanna tell and some that are just plain funny. some too embarrasing even for me to dig up in my own mind. everytime my mom would mention anything from that period of time, i would whine and complain until she stopped talking about it. i hated hearing about it cuz not only was it embarrasing, it reminded me of weaknesses i wanted to conceal from everyone else. fobbishness wasn't just what people saw on the surface - the weird clothes, the loud talking, the clique-ing up, the pearl milk tea, the chinese novels, etc.. well at least for me, it was such a bad time that i still mildly cringe whenever my mom would bring it up. it reminded me of everything i failed to do and everything that made me look stupid in front of americans. but now i feel part-american, and part chinese, and i still can't accept it quite well. but i guess reading woman warrior reminded me of those days, and now i can better deal with it. which is why i'm writing this big rant about my fobbish days. there are lots more stories where that came from, so you guys can just ask me for more if you're bored enough to hear them.

i'm glad that language-wise, i'm not so fobbish anymore now. i even think in english. how crazy is that. haha.. er.. well i'm past my identity-crisis stage which i was in in my junior high years. i used to have big crying fits becuz i could not figure out who i was. i always felt chinese at home and american at school. but there comes a day for every young fob in america when they have to realize that their fob skills are diminishing, and they are becoming more and more like their american or abc friends. and it's scary. it's scary to see how everything that you're made of is slowing fading away from you. how complex characters you used to write every day have completely escaped from your hand, and no matter what you do, you just can't remember how to write them anymore. how sometimes when you talk to your parents in chinese, you realize that you can't convey your ideas without using english words anymore. this happens to every chinese child, but to a person who's always spoken 100% chinese and 0% english, conversations turning into 80% chinese and 20% english is extremely frightening. it's like you're losing a part of yourself. like you're getting old and your memories are slowly fading until they become nonexistent. and without these things that are so much a part of you, you don't really know what you're made of and who you are anymore.

i guess i STILL haven't found the answers. but i'm not in an identity crisis anymore becuz it doesn't really matter what i'm labeled as. i'm just shellie, right? haha.. the asian blond. i'm glad i don't know my complete identity, becuz if i was too used to being any one thing all the time, i'd prolly have a hard time seeing things from the opposite side. and that's the last thing i'd want. so ex-fobs are cool.

today my sister called again from taiwan. my mom told her i was in the shower. my sister said, how come everytime i want to talk to shellie she is always either in the shower, sleeping, or out? is she really always that busy?? my mom said that it seems as if everyone's saying that nowadays. my dad calls and never gets a chance to talk to me.. he's always worried that i'm over-working and that i should exercise and eat and sleep more. also, people at church sometimes ask why they can never get hold of me. then my mom joking said, yeah i'm so lucky i live in the same house as you, cuz then i can actually see you from time to time!

-__-;; that's the face i have upon hearing all this. mild annoyance. i don't really think i'm THAT busy... i think people just have a hard time contacting me becuz of my weird schedule. and the fact that i don't usually pick up the phone if i'm eating dinner or practicing piano. if ppl call me in the afternoon, i'm either sleeping or out w/ friends, which doesn't happen that often on weekdays. and if ppl call me at night, i'm prolly at other classes/lessons or band practice or eating dinner or practing piano or showering. the best time to call me is after 11 pm. cuz then i'd be doing hw, and i'd get so bored of doing hw that i'd be so happy at the thought of something important interrupting it to happily pick up the phone. yes yes. but not many ppl call me that late... so dear reader, if you have tried in vain to contact me, call after 11! it's not impolite becuz we have two lines and i have a phone in my room. and i can't remember the last time i went to sleep before 1 am. oh this doesn't go for stalkers. haha if you plan on stalking me, do call in the afternoon. i never hear the phone ring when i'm sleeping. (i'm just kidding of course, too flat to have any real stalkers, although i DO get an average of 10 phone calls a day from the same person, who tries to make me "feel better", *cough*cough*)