by the way

did i ever mention that one of my pet peeves is being around people who take themselves too seriously?

life is funny, sort of like a big comedy show. laugh with it. laugh at yourself. in the end everything will sort of just even out on its own, i've seen it happen so many times..

XD

there is something undeniably satisfying about running into people you know everywhere you go. college is great. :D

ohayo~

hey.. it's morning.

when i went downstairs to get some breakfast, i noticed that the sun was shining in my eyes. in other words, it was on the other side of the sky, the side i'm not used to seeing it on. a sign that i should start WAKING UP in the morning instead of going to sleep in the morning. (yeah, lately i've been living like a moon - only up when it's dark)

i was thinking about what it's going to be like when i go back in a few weeks.. i'm actually kind of worried. am i what people call a "fob" now? i sort of have always been called one, but maybe what i used to be was only.. half a fob. and now maybe i'm.. fob made from concentrate. but then i looked at myself in the mirror and i don't see any difference between what i looked like before i left and now.

then i'm also worried about english. my english has been getting.. just worse and worse. this is really bugging me that i can't express myself as well in english as the days go by. although my chinese has improved, the improvement isn't enough to cover my.. de-provement in english. hrm.

life is good here. it's different. certainly not what i've always been used to, like the placement of the sun in the morning. but like i said, i should be getting up earlier, shouldn't i?

eighteen

sometimes it feels like i'm walking on a road with no signs and no compass in my backpack. there are no signs telling you "wrong way" or "detour" or "rest stop next exit." but similarly, there are no speed limits or traffic lights. so everything really becomes.. what you make of it.

陶吉吉 - 二十二

春天是她最愛的季節
當微風隨意吹亂她的頭髮
她並不在意身邊世界的吵雜
只想著自己生命中的變化
還有十五分鐘才午休
從早到晚沒有想像中那麼好過
安定的日子不一定就是幸福
忘不掉她在心裡做過的夢

她今年農曆三月六號剛滿二十二
剛甩開課本要離開家看看這世界
卻發現許多煩惱要面對 Oh yeah
她常會嚮往能回到那年她一十二
只需要好好上學生活單純沒憂愁
她就像一朵蓓蕾滿懷希望
秋天是忽然間就來臨
青春雖然有本錢可以灑脫
一場戀愛二十二個月後結束
才知道有些感情不值得賭
九月天氣還是有點熱
她想公車再不來就走一走路
她開始明白等待未必有結果
一個人也能走上夢的旅途

她今年農曆三月六號剛滿二十二
剛甩開課本要離開家看看這世界
卻發現許多煩惱要面對 Oh yeah
她常會嚮往能回到那年她一十二
只需要好好上學生活單純沒憂愁
她一直滿懷希望
人生偶爾會走上一條陌路
像是沒有指標的地圖

別讓他們說妳該知足
只有妳知道什麼是妳的幸福
她常會嚮往能回到那年她一十二
只需要好好上學生活單純沒憂愁
她笑著想過未來
Oh 她應該得到幸福
如此的簡單的夢
有沒有實現

oh yeah, and also, merry christmas everybody! it doesn't feel a bit like xmas here. arghs. i still have class tomorrow AHHH~~

GOOD NEWS

after repeated begging sessions, the dates are FINALLY set.

JANUARY 17 TO FEBRUARY 2, OH YEAH~~~

i believe this means i'll be in time for: 1)chrissy's bday! 2)before berkeley starts 3)charlton's in tino too and 4)hopefully before davis starts getting busy?

HEHEEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHE

some things...

never change.

i miss you too stupid.

mosquitos

i hate them. they're the reason i've been up since 6 am. hah. up this early, feels like high school again...

date change

i'll be coming back on feb. 1 and leaving for tw the night of the 8th. price ticket difference, dad paying, what can i say? :(

konbanwa samuidesune~~

nothing's up. just felt like writing. and thinking. in english.

only 10:35 at night! this sort of leisure, especially at this time of night, on a SATURDAY night, is to be treasured. but there is no heater in my room, and i can't take the laptop up on my bed, so here i am, rolled into a tiny little ball with only two hands sticking out, tapping on the little keyboard.

the other day i actually became a "biker chick" and went on a tour of.. the history of my life. hah. ok ok, scooter chick, same difference. you see, NTU is located at gong kuan, which is some distance south of chong shan. so we rode through a fourth of taipei city, going north, from the NTU campus up to my house. as an adventure, not as an errand of course. we were both bored and had a "need for speed" and sick of pre-pre-studying for the final and curious about the big bad city that we live in. *chuckle*

along the way i kept on pointing in all sorts of directions, telling the story of my life, organized from south to north. interesting how as we moved northward, we were also moving back in time.

we started in the present, which is NTU. then we rode a bit and got to the chang kai shek memorial area. i guess you could say it was sort of my playground slash backyard from ages 0 to 9. more northward, taipei main station, where i spent every day of a certain summer practicing drumset. that was probably.. junior high? more northward, almost to my house, KTV's. and the 10th floor of what used to be sogo's (shopping center), yamaha, the place where my love of music was born. to say it was born there may sound a bit exaggerating, and to call my hobby "love of music" sounds a bit overrated, but it's still there. music.

then finally we turned into the little alley and stopped in front of the gate leading up to my home, on the fifth floor. we weren't going in, but i pointed upwards toward the newly remodeled window-box thingy that used to be an inefficient and ignored balcony. so we had gotten to the very beginning of my life. and as we rode back south, we traveled back to the present again. or is it future? i don't know. it doesn't matter.

much like how "fifth avenue" and other various street names in new york city have become famous and almost taken their own personality, street names here have their own pride too. it was interesting that although we were both taiwanese, we were completely susceptible to getting lost. so we tried to remember some road names on the way and at certain times, gasped at the realization, "so yadda-yadda street is here! isn't this where blah-blah-blah can be found?"

it was quite an adventure. self-guided tour of the city at 1 am. freezing, of course, and on an over-speeding motorcycle.

ok fine, scooter. but motorcycle sounds so much cooler doesn't it? ^^;;

now, it is just TOO cold for an island located within the tropic of cancer!! i'm going to go snuggle with myself..

product of a lazy, rainy afternoon

so maybe we've passed through that junior high school depressive phase where we talk about masks we wear in front of people. and then we think we've become all grown up when we finally learned that you can't gain anything without having risked something of yourself that is pure and true. the "having faith in humanity" spiel.

now that's all fine and dandy. but what if you discover that you're wearing masks in front of yourself? frankly, i find the over-used and under-interpreted phrase, "look within yourself" to be very funny. just which one are they talking about? what color, shape, size, or even price range? the spring line or the fall line? or maybe the swimsuit edition?

sometimes i find shopping to be quite addicting.

people lie when they don't want to reveal the truth to the person they're talking to. that is assuming that liars know what the truth is. and what if you don't know the truth? is what you're doing still called "lying" or is it.. hypothesizing? or maybe you're providing examples? drawing one out of the many to talk about.. because you certainly can't leave the conversation just hanging there in midair. at least not with some people.

i see i've reached a dead end. therefore i will start an inventory of the things i see around me.

box of tissues, because free toilet paper deserves an "ooh" here.
japanese tapes, one titled "everyday listening in 50 days" collecting dust, hah.
glasses which don't enough power for my eyes now.
chocolate, the cone-shaped kind with pink tips and brown bottoms. brought by my parents from their trip to hokaido.
aerobics classes schedule taped to the closet.
boombox, for dancing, for jazz, for classical, for jay chow, and of course, for japanese.
chopsticks my roommate gave me because i always forget to take the disposable ones when i buy instant noodles.
an hp printer lying around unused, because i'm too lazy to get it to work.
pocky, "deluxe" version, it's mousse-flavored.
directory of our group in the christian fellowship, also taped to closet.
a pink alarm clock, bought impulsively while shopping with some japanese people.
the white basket i bring with me to the bathroom every morning and night, bought for that stanford camp and still kept well.
index cards for japanese vocabulary words, that i later found to be too time-consuming and inefficient.
cal bear, for warmth, for reminder, for softness.
a receipt from a time i tried to study at mcdonalds but instead, ended up writing a poem all over that small, rectangular, otherwise ignored piece of paper.
copies of the play i'm supposed to be directing in my english class.
dried flowers.
two hairbrushes, one regular and the other round.
lime green plastic blinds.
unoped pack of yellow hard candies shaped like tiny slices of lemon, with a note still attached to the bag, from the wylie-parallel.
tiffany open heart.
mosquito spray.

"you have 4 missed calls."

i like funny

this is how japanese people learn english??? o.O

click here

i took the advanced (126 q's) one..

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

updates which aren't really

*whew* only one word can describe the last couple of weeks: BUSY.

i'd like to explain "with what?" but that requires going into a lot of other details and things that you just won't understand unless you were taiwanese. so in order not to bore you, i have simply decided to group them all under the huge, indefinite, vague, somewhat abstract category of: interactions.

yup.

so i came online JUST now to read all of your wonderful posts about/around the time of thanksgiving!! yikes i can't believe i completely forgot about that holiday while i'm here! well i admit, i'm a just a tad bit jealous that everyone gets to see everyone while i get to see only a little bit of people when i go back (see dates below). and i will be able to see all the corners of the hexagon EXCEPT CHARLTON YOU BIG DORK!!!!!!! we will just have to form our own little pentagon without you! hmph! (well actually, you all formed all kinds of polygons without me this thanksgiving so.. *sniff*)

i really do miss you all very much though. and i thank god for whoever invented blogger (or the first form of online diary) because your posts are one of the only things which keep me relatively "american." i miss tapX and the hexagon and chilling at starbucks and buying six mcchickens all at once and lounging around on tangy's soft couch and weird green russian beverages and squealing and being skanky but not slutty and chubbi (!) and louduck and buying pudding at yoshinoya and make-overs and lollicup's good chicken + cranky lady and christimas lights in the trees and blasting the radio in the car and being the third wife and and and and so much more..

the closer friends i have here have seen some pictures of me with you guys. they said that when they look at the pictures and hear my explanations of the hexagon and others, it seems as if i have taken them into another world that i used to live in.

i miss that world a lot.

eagerly awaiting January 28. oh btw, i have achieved to do 90% of my thinking in chinese now. and i can understand about 20% of simple japanese shows (i.e. totoro). ^_^V

dates

Jan. 28 to Feb. 9

*dun dun dun*

still my question

things change.

... but why?

links updated.

one boot two boot red boot blue boot

i like boots.

i love my boots.

i love wearing my boots.

i like other boots as well.

i want to buy boots.

i would like to wear other boots.

i love boots.

:D

p.s. knowing the metaphorical style in which i write many "vague" *ahem* entries, this is a note to the reader that this entry should be taken completely literally. I LOVE BOOTS, ok? :)

anniversary, etc.

i seem to always be around people. not that being around people is bad, but i want one of those "alone" days again. where i go through the entire day without interacting with a single person, and by the end i can actually hear myself again. but that's not possible here. i'm annoyed. i'm not allowed to be antisocial!

last midterm tomorrow.. headache problem is getting better. busy week coming up. oh yes last weekend was NTU's 75th anniversary. after the big speech/ceremony there was something like tino's clubs day, but extended and expanded. anyway, i got to dress up in a kimono-like costume for the anniversary because we were "showgirls" trying to sell the mochi and paper dolls we made. here's the link to the pictures site, but again, it's not mine. please excuse my strange expression in the first picture - i had something in my shoe and i couldn't get rid of it with gloves on. the day was a huge success, we sold out before it ended!

mm.. tired.. must study..

hollow

after that chinese test (the ancient chinese literature one), i think i proved to myself that i haven't been doing what i came all the way here to do. i wish i wasn't so concerned with "it" and i would just give it a rest but i can't. is this really the direction i should be searching in?

i feel lost all over again. what am i doing here?

ego

it's really hard not to become egotistic in NTU. people here think "oh my gosh you go to the best school in taiwan you must know EVERYTHING." but that's not true at all. and comparisons within the school STILL exist, even though NTU is the one school every taiwanese high schooler wants to get into. it's not even like, "oh i like this school's blahblah program." it's just, "NTU has the best everything." but still, this creates many misconceptions and makes some students of NTU think that they have already "conquered" knowledge in their lives.

and yet even NTU students are still comparing with other majors that have better or worse scores. like if you say you're a law major, students of NTU would go "ooh" as opposed to if you were, say, a libarary management majors (translation?) student. and even WITHIN the major there is still comparisons, because the roster is ordered by scores, the best being at the top. so that guy (my big "sister") who would have gotten into law is #1, and everyone worships him. it's this icky obsession with the numbers game.

and yet even with all this "NTU is #1" kind of attitude that everyone holds here, when people find out that i would have gone to berkeley if i didn't come here, they still go "oooh." so i don't really understand - the BEST school in taiwan is much much better than a pretty good school in america? how are they evaluating this? and yet it seems to be the unanimous decision. i just don't get it. everyone wants to go outside.

anyway, back to my topic of egotism. even tutoring jobs. the hourly rate of hiring an NTU student as a tutor is about three times as much than the average college student. people here are already making more money than other people of the same age group from the moment they step onto the campus! all of this add to the big egos some NTU students ALREADY have when they found out they got in. it's just a big shining road of arrogance ahead of us. and it's not even valid. there is so much for us to explore we can't begin to say we're the best, so it's worse than arrogance - it's ignorance.

past, present, future

i was browsing some old blog posts of mine.. came across the link to the webpage which told me i had gotten into NTU japanese. i looked at it again just now, but somehow, although all the coding itself never changed, the page looked different to me. it seemed more.. artifact-like? familiar. an "i told you so." it was proof of my first moment of betrayal.

yes, the page is still up after all this time. it seemed as if after the big hype of who got into what, they just left the page there to rot by itself. looking at my own name, written in both chinese and english, and seeing "National Taiwan University" next to it, i remembered the first thought that came to mind when i saw it all.. i remember it distinctly, it struck me like lightening at that crucial moment. from the very first second my mind was made aware of the fact that i had gotten in, i immediately thought,

i'm going to taiwan.

it wasn't an enthusiastic "ooh yay i'm going to taiwan!" or a dreaded "oh my gosh.. i'm going to taiwan?" or a surprised, "what? i'm going to taiwan?" it was just plainly, "i'm going to taiwan." knowing in the back of my head that it wasn't going to be business but neither was it going to be berkeley. it was always something i didn't expect. no, something i didn't want to expect. and yet i knew i wanted to come back here. despite.. all the things i had come to love about america.

so why am i thinking about this all over again? why do i keep thinking about it? i think it's because i'm always going to wonder, what if i had stayed at berkeley? but you know, i'm happy here. and perhaps i would have been even happier had i gone to cal. but i guess if you can't predict the future, you also can't predict an alternate past.

and now the difficult task lies ahead of me. without forgetting, no i'm not going to forget, but without forgetting, i'm going to let go. because i've been holding on too tight. you can't grab something else when you've got your hands full.

you're always going to be my sweet tap water.

rneycdtep

images unseen
voices unheard
don't let the line unravel
tied up is better.

you can swim in the air
walk on water
and fly to the end of the earth
on the day that
tap water becomes sweet.

find a place
for nestling

fall backwards
expect to hit it hard
and crack your skull open
trampoline
arms
sticks and leaves

empty space.
keep falling
nothing spilled out yet.

...and how long does it take for a flower to wilt?

incorrect

hanging above it all was a curse. cursed since the very beginning.

response

*aHEM*

i can see that the 10/28 post has generated much angry response from members of the cockier sex (not that i didn't expect it). however, i would like to inform my dear readers that as anti-male as i can be at times, that post had to do with a particular incident which made me much more aware (a little more than i wanted) of the simple fact that GUYS HAVE DICKS. and many do not think before acting on behalf of them. and considering that, unfortunately, every guy i meet that is at least my age is stronger than i am, i really don't think the 10/28 post was out of bounds.

besides, i could write whatever i want. HA. sue me.

going right along.. i saw this on ricky's blog:

...girls are bitching about how there are no good guys around. That's what happens when you live in a shitty country like everywhere but America...

i agree that bitching about the lack of nice guys around and sincerely meaning every word said would be quite foolish. but first of all, that post i believe you're referring to is NOT about there being no good guys around. hastily drawn conclusions often lead to such mistakes. secondly, although i'm not quite sure which country can be called "my country," i DO get offended when you imply that "Taiwan (being everywhere but America) is a shitty country." if it's so shitty, why are you struggling to learn its national language? in fact, why would you ever want to understand any other culture if we're all so "shitty?" yes, i admit, if we were at war with America we would definitely be the weaker side, but i don't think the "degree of shittiness" of a country is solely dependent upon its national defense.

and i'm keeping that controversial 10/28 up. go ahead and cast the first stone.

hehe i miss you two

i was browsing alex's picture page and i just really wanted to put this picture up for the heck of it. hehe hope you don't mind alex. ^^;;

chicago - razzle dazzle

give them the old razzle dazzle
razzle dazzle 'em
give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
and the reaction will be passionate
give 'em the old hocus pocus
bead and feather 'em
how can they see with sequins in their eyes?

what if your hinges are all rusting?
what if, in fact, you're just disgusting?
razzle dazzle 'em
and they'll never catch wise!

give 'em the old razzle dazzle
razzle dazzle 'em
give 'em a show that's so splendiferous
row after row will grow vociferous
give 'em the old flim flam flummox
fool and frature 'em
how can they hear the truth above
the roar? roar, roar, roar

throw 'em a fake and a finagle
they'll never know, you're just a bagel
razzle dazzle 'em
and they'll beg you for more!

give 'em the old double whammy,
daze and dizzy 'em
back since the days of old methusaleh
everyone loves the big bamooz-a-ler
give 'em the old three ring circus
stun and stagger 'em

when you're in trouble, go into your dance
though you are stiffer than a girder
they'll let you get away with murder
razzle dazzle them
and you've got a romance

give 'em the old razzle dazzle
razzle dazzle them
show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are
long as you keep 'em way off balance
how can they spot you got no talents?

razzle dazzle 'em razzle dazzle 'em
razzle dazzle 'em
and they'll make you a star!

GUYS ARE FUCKING IDIOTS. YOU'D ALL BE SMARTER IF YOU HAD YOUR DICKS CUT OFF.

woohoo less biking for me

it is official. i am now a biker chick.

ok, ok. bicycle chick. same difference..

but somehow i knew that my biking days were not THAT long. i now have.. *dun dun dun* my very own passenger seat. but in case you, my dear reader, is getting ideas again, as you all have a habit of doing, he is completely off limits. and don't worry, i will still get my thigh work-out from climbing 80 steps of stairs at least twice everyday (dorm).

oh and everyone studies so hard here for midterms! you'd think taiwanese colleges are all about play but.. not here. and i am VERY pleased with their efficiency. totally lives up to the "play hard, work hard" motto.

they

they are each in their own place. each have their own stories to tell. each have stories they wish they could tell.

and as time slowly passes them by, they each see things, people, come and go. and they are watching. watching for any signs of these things and people stopping. but nothing and no one stops for them. and they are passing, too. in this stream of tasks. stream of consciousness. stream of everyday. stream which keeps flowing no matter what. and they are carried along in that stream, and they float like a log with it, turning left, turning right, at times buried underneath, at times bouncing up and out of the water. sometimes they go fast, sometimes they go slow, and sometimes they are stuck in a whirlpool going very fast but getting nowhere at all. but they are each moving. continuously and interminably.

where are they headed to? for now, that's not a question to be answered. because there is only one way. they have chosen this path, and now they must each walk it. or swim? perhaps float. the current carries them, and they are each part of it. they are the ones who keep it moving.

the women of the river. i hope we don't drift apart.

shelley is going to burst

shelley is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst.

indecision. why can't i wake up from this dream..

oii

it's times like these when i wonder why i didn't go for a more science-y/math-based major. i've forgotten how much memorization is involved in learning a language... o.O *dizzy*

next best thing

so if i can't become a biker chick, i'll go for the next best thing..

scooter chick? >_^

O.S.

they always look at you when they think you don't know they're looking. but you always know when they're looking. and in a way you're looking at them. looking at you. but maybe.. they knew you were looking too, all along?

one month

dorm life is getting better and better every day. and it was already pretty good in the beginning. today we celebrated one of our roomie's bday. we got a cake for her! and i put my chair in the middle and we used it as the cake table and we sang happy bday and blew candles and everything! haha ok i sound kinda dumb getting excited over such simple little things, but my roomies are really cool people. and considering the fact that no one really has much of a "dorm life" here (everyone stays out until they have to shower and sleep), i'm really lucky to have my roommates.

yesterday we talked until almost 4 am. at first it was about my roomie's soon-to-be lover, then it went to.. just a whole bunch of things. haha.. they're great people. :)

this is such a happy post. but i've been really happy here, despite my not-so-happy sounding posts previously. i mean, life is treating me well, i can't complain much. the only things i'm worried about right now are the upcoming midterms, and how well i do depends on me (not luck or circumstances).

i had complained about not having guy friends but i don't really think that's a problem now. one because i've made some guy friends, and two because girl friends do just as much (and maybe more than) guy friends do.

oh yeah today was our "uniform day" for the jap major. so everyone wore their high school uniforms, and since i had no uniform, this guy who had an incredibly thin waist and generally small body frame lent me his. it was funny wearing a guy uniform. and since they had their names embroidered onto their shirts, and this guy had a particularly "scholarly" name, everyone commented on it. (ie, my chinese teacher)

tomorrow afternoon we're going to talk to our interior designer. he's really only designing my sister's condo, i just get him to do the ceiling, lighting, and walls. heh..heh.. and furniture-shopping is fun. except i'm not buying much..

and now i'm heading home for the weekend. i think the jap major ppl are all going to dan shui for like.. a "major day trip" on sunday. not sure if i should stay home and study?? :-/

so yes, i've been in school for a month. and this is my first month update!

dream

row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
life is but a dream

"fled is that music:--do i wake or sleep?" (Keats, Ode to a Nightingale)

imagine it as if you're only dreaming. then all of it seems to become okay. acceptable. normal. there are no two roads diverged, just one. close your eyes and walk them both.

prelude

i may not know the rules of the game..

but i think i'm winning anyway.

dialogue II

he liked to be my big sister.

when you meet someone you can really talk to, i mean REALLY talk to, you just know. and your conversation consists of only the handful of words necessary. and it's strange, because when you realize you can really talk to someone, that's when the talking seems to fade and become obsolete.

not big brother. big sister.

perhaps he doesn't consider himself "man" enough to be a brother, but he knew enough about certain things that circle in the female mind, enough for him to refer to himself as my big sister.

i don't exactly know when it started, the strange big sister/little sister relationship. i suppose my need for a guy to just be a friend and nothing more was the exact complement for his guy-trapped-in-a-female-body syndrome. oh right, and the fact that he already has a fiancee should also be noted.

well then, does he still count as a "guy" friend? at least biologically, yes. that's good enough for me for now.

so one night, we were talking, as usual. it almost feels exhilirating, knowing that words compose only the surface of the ocean of conversation. we didn't need many of them, and even less considering the chinese language is such a concise one.

"so that's why i have to leave." i didn't want to, of course. but unending dialogue would be an indulgement for another night.

"hmm?"

"to wake up tomorrow morning and do this. and not know why. but i do it anyway. and i won't stop until i find out why i'm doing it." i was telling the truth.

"child, find yourself."

this was the best translation i could come up with for what he said. and even though we were the same age, it didn't feel strange at all that he called me "child." and why did it not occur to me that all of this, everything i've been doing, can all be summed up in this one line he spoke?

"so hard." 2.

"i know. i'm looking too. i know."

being something we're not. not being something we're supposed to be. what. the doubt which plagues us acted as our glue.

blind leading the blind? perhaps. but it felt more simply like.. blind walking beside the blind.

and it feels pretty good.

dialogue

"well, then can you come with me to find a seat then?"

i chuckle and tease. "what, you're afraid to look for seats by yourself?"

"i just don't like being alone." something i rarely hear from people. why?

"but doesn't it annoy you that you can't hear yourself think when you're not alone?"

"no.. i'm afraid of being by myself."

"well.. sometimes i am too. but aren't you planning on studying abroad after you graduate?"

"then i'd have to spend a lot of time alone. and i'd cry a lot. because i wouldn't know anyone there at first."

"oh..."

ughh

why does it seem like everyone who's just been exposed to "the college scene" has some sort of scandalous story to tell? does college really have to be that.. sexually explicit? it's as if we're all bunnies that have been trapped inside a cage all our lives, and we've just been freed from our cage to the outside world and instead of starting to learn about the world OUTSIDE the cage we choose to stay beside it and reproduce. mate like crazy. like bunnies. and it's as if that's all we can do and all we know how to do and even if we don't want to other bunnies will come up behind you and *woop* there it goes.

and everyone is trying to use that to replace something they've been lacking.. but it's not really what they're searching for. and it won't be fulfilling. but it's only until after the mad mating season that the bunnies will know..

hrm. i'm quite annoyed with the nonexistent morale. not that i'm much better but i'd like to think i'm making an effort? *sigh*

chicago

i went music-shopping with one of the very few guy friends i've managed to make. btw, why are good guy FRIENDS so hard to find?! isn't pure friendship nice? like alex and charlton, see why can't i find guys like you guys!? (there, there *strokes ego*)

so anyway, the music-shopping. it was with that tutor guy i wrote about last time. he's almost like one of those professional conversationists, if there even is such a thing. like, you can talk to him about anything, and he can probably whip up some profound opinion. and if it happens to be a topic he doesn't know much about (which is a rare occurence), then in just a few minutes he can already.. grasp the swing and sway of the conversation and again provide incredible insight.

ahh anyway, the music-shopping!! i bought the chicago soundtrack!! muahahaha.. i couldn't resist. and CD's are much cheaper in tw so it's even MORE tempting!!! it was about 10 U.S dollars. hehe :P

i just came back from a two-day trip with the christian fellowship on campus that i'm currently in. it's a really good group. i hope they will eventually become the group of people i can really share things with and be myself around. it's not that i haven't been myself, but i've been very confused about who exactly "myself" is. so until i figure THAT out, i have yet to figure how to BE that self.

hmm.. anyway, i really like the chicago CD.

you can like the life you're living
you can live the life you like
you can even marry harry
and mess around with ike

and that's good, isn't it?
grand, isn't it? great, isn't it?
swell, isn't it? fun, isn't it?
but nothing stays

in fifty years or so
it's gonna change, you know
but, oh, it's heaven
nowadays

routine

wake up wishing i had gone to sleep earlier last night.
class.
lunch with jap friends.
class. class. class.
dinner.
aero or fellowship.
more dinner. i eat a lot.
shower.
talk to ppl on BBS even though i should be memorizing vocab.
keep talking to ppl even though i should go to sleep.
finally drag myself to sleep.
wish i had gone to sleep earlier.

rinse and repeat.

i hate straight guys.

mr. blog, remember my complaints about not having guy friends? well... it turns out that half of my wish was granted. there's the guy part. but er not so much the friend part. that makes a REALLY BIG difference.

i find that in the little tiny circle of guys that i know, i like to hang out with ones who are either taken or gay. or both. it's so much easier to talk to them. they don't have that little cloud above their head. the little cloud every person has when they're available. VERY available. available to a point where you wish they weren't so very.. available.

completely incoherent ramblings. so much for that updated you wanted alex. sorry. i've been breaking promises and making bad decisions and hiding from people and wishing sometimes that i wore a sign that said.. "I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND."

if you find this particular post to be offensive and/or that i sound really arrogant and self-centered, it's because i've had enough of guys who look at you like you're a stock option.

in conclusion,
I HATE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_<

YOU ALL SUCK. THE WORLD SHOULD BE DOMINATED BY WOMEN.

:o

*drool*

back in love with jay. aahhhh.. memorized by song..

oh jay, you and i were meant to be. i'm so sorry i forsook you and let your CD collect dust all these months.

為什麼我對你說的話
你.. 都聽不懂..?

following the christina party train~ oh yea~~~


Which Part of a Meal Are You?Find out!

don'ts

oh oh and one more thing

note to guys who have a particular target in mind, and who actually want the girl to like him back:

1. do NOT follow her around
2. do NOT outright tell her you're "interested" in her when you've only first met
3. do NOT keep sending her messages if she's not replying
4. do NOT keep waiting around for her if she looks like she's going to go somewhere with her GIRL friends
5. do NOT keep STARING at her, it will freak her out

*nod*nod* words of advice. he actually seems like a pretty nice person but when you do the above five things, it's.. sorry. :(

fun and games

this is definitely mr. blog-worthy.

so i went to a dance tonight. it was for the colleges of liberal arts, engineering, agriculture, and management. my first time at a taiwan dance!!! woohoo~~ well, it wasn't far from our normal american dances, except they served alcohol at a school-sponsored event. uh not sure how american colleges do it??? cuz apparently here the legal drinking age is 18. yet you can't vote until 20. strange huh?

well they threw out glowing bracelets like crazy.. and they had this big giant beachball. it was HUGE. you could probably fit four of me in there. anyway they bounced it on top of the huge crowd and everyone kinda got to hit it like a volleyball. at first it was fun but then it just kept on.. bouncing.. around.. and it was like.. ok i get the point. but everyone else kept on jumping up to try to hit it so er.. *shrug*

taiwanese people are more conservative, but only in general. i mean, the people who really danced ARE very very good dancers and they really "get the party going." but the majority kinda just compose the circle around those really good dancers. ooh and i went up on stage w/ a buncha friends!! haha..

they had these lil round stickers that they give to everyone. they said you can stick them on the people who you liked and wanted to get to know more. soooooo this resulted in this one guy getting like completely buried in lil round stickers. hahha.. i got like... five or six. but it's not what you guys think!! it was all in good, clean fun. ^_^

however, contrary to popular belief (haha yeah right), shelley's life is not all fun and games. *serious tone* i have actually been studying quite a lot! not japanese.. -___-;; but chinese. i'm learning to read wen yan wen (old chinese? as compared to old english?) better now.. it's so hard it gives me so many headaches. *sigh* that genius tutor guy is helping a lot. we spent a whole hour on like.. 8 sentences of shi ji, which is written completely in wen yan wen. then we spent another hour just on the DESCRIPTION of another bunch of sentences. so basically that's what i've been spending most of my time on. and i've been reading some random chinese literature i found to be interesting... so i can express myself better in chinese.

tired... mm not my style to end a post like this mr. blogger but g'night. x_X

決定愛你 徐若瑄

詞：大塚雄三　　
曲：大塚雄三　　
中文詞：徐若瑄

愛你 不需要原因 只要有一顆真心
分隔兩地 也可以傳給你
愛你 不會有距離 只要你在我心裡
隨時隨地 我也可以感覺得到你
nanana…

小時候　常常擔心的一個問題
男人結婚之後　到底會不會外遇
我的爸爸媽媽在我小學三年級
他們離婚了　其實我非常地傷心
長大後　覺得沒什麼了不起
愛情並不是生活裡全部的事情
只要此時此刻　我們愛得很用心
就足夠我一輩子去回憶
Repeat *

有時候我也會碰到不如意
寧願哈哈大笑 也不要哭哭啼啼
付出去的感情 就算都沒有回應
可以碰到你 已經覺得非常幸運
失敗做錯了 也沒什麼關係
換個髮型 或是唱唱歌發洩情緒
不要浪費時間 一直躲在後悔??
要找回那顆 不認輸的心

決定要做的事情 不要輕易受打擊
今天不行 還有明天可以
決定要談的愛情 不要隨便說放棄
幸福全部要靠自己努力去爭取

有天我一定會等到 生命?堥漲鴙^雄
有天我一定會找到 被我的愛 感動的人

喜歡 賴在你身旁 看你說話的模樣
就算我們不能地久天長
喜歡 為了你而忙 看你開心的模樣
就算沒有我想要的答案

things to be appreciated

a few things i realized i used to, or have always, taken for granted:

mrs. stebbins: i never really knew how much i liked going to her classes, sitting in my seat and hearing smart comments from the people sitting around me. i liked the way she introduced books to us, such as making us take a quiz of "what women want" before reading madame bovary. i liked her thought-provoking questions. i liked her projects. i liked her essay-grading standards. i liked the books she chose. i liked her essay prompts. i loved feeling like i learned a lot from just TALKING during discussions. the english class i'm in right now is.. so much less. i wonder what ms. stebbins would think if she knew what i was doing.. true, my english class was never designed for native english speakers, and of course was not an AP class, but.. what am i doing in this class???? purely for credit. purely because i have to. waste of time.

my mom: in the couple of weeks that i spent in taiwan while she was still back in tino, it felt horrible because no one here really cared about how i thought of certain things. they took care of me, yes, but there was no emotional/mental support. wherever my mom lives, that is where home is. that's how i define "home." she provides the stability i need and i never knew that before this because i've always been able to live with her every single day.

sunshine: of course the sun still shines here, but it rains a lot more.. i guess that's why everyone talks about the california sunshine or whatever.. sunshine state? or is that florida. hrm. anyway, i realized i'm one of those people whose mood is affected by the weather.

the lack of cockroaches and rats: self-explanatory.

HEXAGON!!! i've made many friends here, but still have not built intimacy. i suppose it will all come in good time, but i miss just being able to call people up and go swimming or watch a movie or whatever..

being able to drive: i love the freedom of driving to wherever i want to. and turning on the radio as loud as i want to and singing along and rolling down the windows. and just parking somewhere and just sit there in my car and think. and not do anything else but sit and think.

furry carpets: impractical solution here in tw because it will get moldy. but they're so comfy. ^_^

free toilet paper! if you forget to bring you own lil pack of tissues before you go into a bathroom stall, you suffer the consequences. *grave nod*

i think that's it for now.. i probably left out some important things, as always, but my eyes are getting tired.

tonight

"is it you?"

strange way of saying hello, i thought. i pretended to be in full control of my bike (i still wobble occasionally) while he showed off, of course, taking advantage of oncoming speed bumps. he caught up with me even though i sped up on purpose, and we rode side by side for a while, palm trees all along the sides of the road.

"don't you think this is kind of dangerous?" he was referring to my unusual habit of riding on the left side of the road. i told him about my theory.

"this way the cars don't come up behind me." i still stubbornly held onto the belief that riding on the wrong side of the road was actually safer, despite the obvious irony that the only reason it would be "safe" was that i was the only one doing it. so obviously i was "safe" at the cost of everyone else's safety, trying to avoid me. but no matter.

the night hid my anxiety. i was nervous because i wasn't used to having someone riding so closely beside me for such an.. extended period of time. i liked to have them pass me. i liked to see them coming toward me, then pass. and one by one they pass. all going in the opposite direction.

we rode side by side in silence. two bikes foolishly riding against traffic.

the wind blew against my face but unfortunately my hair didn't magically float up in wispy strands like it's supposed to in fairy tales and romance movies. so the pomade works. our dear hair styling products always help to pull us back into reality.

i turned left in the direction of my dorm room. he turned too. but the basketball courts were in the opposite direction. we said our goodbyes.

i rode on.

until i crashed into another bike. it was coming towards me.

inspiration

i don't know if i deserve to be quoting this poem as if my situation was similar to the speaker's. but i feel like it speaks for me, and i was stricken with awe when i discovered it in chinese. it's such an inspiration for me, but i don't want to give away the title of this poem so easily.. you figure it out for yourself. ;-)

在一片黃樹林裡, 有著兩條分岔路,
很遺憾, 我不能同時走這兩條路,
我站在第一條路許多,
遠望而去, 直到路隱沒在樹叢裡,

然後, 再看看第二條路,
景致也是同樣怡人,
但似乎更吸引我,
因為草深蔓延, 人煙者然;
雖然只要途經於此, 總也會留下痕跡.

這時, 晨曦鋪灑在這兩條路上,
落葉滿地, 還未留有旅人的痕跡,
喔, 我還是等來日再來走第一條路吧!
但, 踏上路後, 不知會走向何處,
我懷疑我是否再回過頭來, 重走一遭.

在多年, 多年以後的某個時候,
我或許會深有所感的訴說著:
在那片黃樹林的雙叉路抉擇,
而我..., 選擇了人跡罕至的那一條路,
而人生的風貌, 也就因此全然不同了.

i like it here.

new bike

that tutor guy taught me SOOOOO much today.. and other people who passed by were all like, completely awed by his.. his.. wealth of knowledge. ^^;; they were all asking him how he knew so much about chinese history. and he memorized like huge blocks of obscure passages from ancient chinese literature that everyone else forgot.. he's just.. really.. really.. smart. ^^ but after two hours of strenuously battling with the text, we finally finished only one section. -__-;; and there's two more i have to do before friday. and i get all this for FREE. :P muahahahhaa..

after "class" i went to practice biking with a buncha girls from our major. and then we went to buy my bike! :D so i'm officially a biker on the NTU campus. ya! *fobbish V* of course, two locks were required..

japanese is going ok... i look at my roommate's desks and i see like huge bulky texts for calculus, chemistry, java, and an endless selection of chinese literature/poetry. and i have.. these colorful illustrated cute little japanese books with tapes and such.. haha.

the human heart is a dangerous thing. it can burn with furious passion but you'll be surprised at how easily it is deadened by something as ordinary as tap water.

recently me

i can't say that i don't miss it back in cali. but when i was in cali i missed taiwan terribly too. why can't i just 100% love wherever it is i happen to be?

it was a few degrees cooler today.. almost felt like i was back in tino again except it was still humid and very cloudy. i still wore shorts while other ppl broke out their sweaters. everyone kept on asking me, "aren't you cold?" but i haven't felt so comfortable in a long time...

went to the welcome performance (er? translation) for aero club (aerobics) today.. i think i'm going to join.

i'm getting someone within our major to tutor me in chinese. it's like, comparable to shakespearean english except i'm studying it as if i'm a new fob to america. i had never been so completely confused in one class before. my tutor is really really smart though. apparently his entrance exam score was enough to put him in the pre-law major at NTU (it requires the highest score within the college, and NTU requires the highest score of all tw colleges, so basically he could have gone to ANY college ANY major he wanted to). but he chose japanese as his first choice because he liked it so much. everyone jokingly yelled at him for it. haha. and in case you're getting any strange ideas, my dear innocent reader, he's off the market. (come to think of it, aren't i kind of too?)

there are officially 20 majors that want to have mixers with us. TWENTY!!!!! the jap major this year probably broke the school record. oy -__-;;

fobbish act to come #2: we're gonna go karaoke-ing!!! like, the nice palace-y kind, not the cheap imitation stuff. :P haha that was kinda cruel. but it's true!!! new KTV, heard it's literally like a palace.

a chameleon changes according to its environment. it doesn't become EXACTLY like it, but it changes enough for its own survival. but if it was not concerned with survival, i wonder if it will still change? but if it does not want to change, does it know what its original color was? and if it doesn't know, then won't it just keep on changing colors, desperately trying to find what color fits him the best? and what if the chameleon never finds that color..?

pictures!

pictures! yay!!

this is from our camping trip right before school started with the MSE people. of course, the girls you see most likely come from our major, and the guys from MSE. go here. (it's not my album, but i don't have a scanner here) ^^;;

just human

i see so many parallels of people here.. it's so strange because my "best friend" in taiwan so far is this wylie parallel, and wylie also happened to be my best friend during my first year in america. and there's this guy who reminds me so much of charlton! and a girl who was a combination of chrissy and kitty. and i don't really know exactly what makes me think of them as parallels of other people.. is it their personality? what they like to do? the way they say certain things? their thought processes?

how can humans be so different and yet so alike? sometimes it seems as if the only thing that separates us is the kinds of things we've picked up along the way because of our environments. things like learning languages, slangs, the kinds of songs we like, where "the party's at," our daily habits from day to day.. but those are only superficial details. the way people treat me remind me of friends or foes back in america. the way people express their ideals remind me of people who are completely different from them in other ways. and even though they may never know this other world with people who are just like them (if they don't move out of taiwan, that is), collectively the people around me is what my own little social polygon consists of. and even though they are completely different individuals, each serves the same purpose as each one of my old friends who used to be in the very foreground of my life.

ah my friends, don't think that this means you have been replaced! no no. what it means is that i have been somewhat developing my own way of surviving socially here. so that even though i don't have you guys here with me, i kind of do at the same time because there are these parallels of you. and even though none of you can ever be replaced, there are shadows of you that continue to revolve around my everyday life.

so maybe the things that happen around us can be on two opposing ends of the spectrum. and maybe the way we express our reactions to them have nothing in common with each other. but no matter how you express it, the emotions involved are universal. we may all mourn in different ways, but the feeling of loss we feel are the same. we may all express love in different ways, but we all know it when we love someone. i suppose it's our own human nature, that same "human nature" we blame all of humanity's mistakes on, that is universal among all of us. our every inevitable emotion, desire, needs, reasoning.. and we must depend on these very basic things to unite us when all else fails.

lalala

i feel the need to report some recent happenings but it all seems so trivial. i'm living here. and surviving. having.. as much fun as a person could have moving to a completely new country to start college.

sometimes when i'm right in the middle of doing something, i'm suddenly struck with this feeling of awe, because the way life works is just so.. strangely beautiful. i'm.. here. i'm actually really back here now. i don't know if you, the reader, have any idea what i'm talking about because i really don't know how to describe it. perhaps it's because i always felt like if i went to berkeley, it was the normal, obvious way to go. but now i'm here, and it all feels like such an adventure. it's almost as if my whole life i've been on this one track, and i didn't know any other one, and i never stopped to think WHY i'm at a certain place doing certain things and talking to certain people. life made sense. not that it doesn't make sense now, but i feel like i've.. diverged from my original track and gone.. this way. the way i'm going now. it's.. different.

i'm in pain right now because today this guy in our major had to take me somewhere on his bike and we crashed into this other girl who turned without looking behind her. pain. pain pain pain.

fobbish

today, i did the most fobbish of all fobbish acts.

i went to take sticky pics with some fellow jap major girls. and yes, we did the fobbish victory sign. ^^;;

and even more updates

apparently, we jap major girls in NTU have become.. er.. quite famous among the male-dominated majors in the school. ^^;; it's not my boasting or exaggerating, but we already have at least 12 representatives from other majors who want to (my translation) have mixers with us. haha it's really funny because when i went onto our college message board, in our major is like.. a whole bunch of posts with stuff like "we would like to contact your public relations officer blah blah blah..." and so i curiously went onto the EE board and they had stuff about their PR's having a race to see who got to contact us first.

despite all the hype about boy meets girl or girl meets boy, my college life has remained surprisingly.. single-sexed. even though our major DOES have a few guys, the guys always segregate themselves and so i don't really know them very well. and when chrissy and i went to visit berkeley, we found ourselves to be one of the few girls in foothill, but that is opposite here because my dorm is all girls. so day in day out my contacts have really just been.. girls. *nod* i don't think this is a problem though, because everyone says that the first thing you have to do socially is to build a strong group of friends who can help and support you, and then consider the rest such as possible bf's etc. not that every guy i meet is a potential target, but it seems like being in a girl-dominated major, our friends will most likely be girls and not guys. that is, unless i join clubs, which is a different story.

last night i met a lot of upperclassmen from this on-campus Christian club. one of them (the leader i think) helped me get my internet connection up!!! and yes, it really was very complicated. yup.

there is way too much to write about i've only touched the surface!! gah >_< i guess the only way to make this blog not be a laundry list of what i do each day is to just talk about.. what i feel/think/see? as opposed to what i did? but it's so hard to explain what certain things are because we simply don't have that in american culture! it's like.. when i tried to explain to them what AP classes were.. they don't choose their own classes in high school so yeah..

i'm surprised by how i can become so.. part of the group most of the time even though i've spent an entire 9 very important years of my life in a completely different environment. i'm really glad that i've been able to somewhat keep my chinese language abilities because it's really become critically useful here. i find that as accepting as some people can be about different cultures, it's still difficult to be able to feel like you belong somewhere if you can't even communicate with the people half the time. at the risk of sounding cynical, i still think it is human nature to want to associate with only the people who you consider to be like yourself, perhaps it's because you can identify with how they feel. there are very few people who truly enjoy doing things they've never done and conversing with people who have very little in common with them. it's so easy to just group together in your own little bubble and talk only about the things you ALL have come to familiarize yourselves with.. i suppose we need friends of both kinds then. ones who are like us because they came from the same background and you can say very little and they'll know what you mean. and the second kind, people who open your eyes to things.. people who allow you to be aware of completely different lifestyles, cultures, ways of speech, living habits, what's considered as "normal" and what's considered as "strange."

i'm really glad i've gained so much.. er.. cultural experience in the past month i've been here. i guess i've never really appreciated american OR taiwanese culture because i just took it for granted that taiwan has good food and america has clean air and many large, open spaces. yeah it sounds weird when i put it that way but everywhere i go it's so cramped and crowded i'm being so squished all the time >_<.

i've learned that it's one thing to survive in a place, and it's another to belong in a place. and since i learned to survive in cali and even felt like i belonged there, i'm learning to belong here as well. there's only so much you can see if you look from the outside. you see even more when you're.. part of it all. and you see it happen right in front of your eyes instead of just reading or hearing about it. it's.. it's been quite a journey for me.

more updates

ahhhhh so much has happened in the past few days i don't even know where to begin! but first, my explanation for the long-time-no-blogging state. and that is because i moved into the dorms on thursday night and i couldn't get my friggin internet connection to work. i asked my computer nerd roommate (she's not really nerdy, just very good at it) and she couldn't do anything about it. we figured that it was because i haven't paid my dorm fee yet, out of laziness, so i paid, and i haven't checked to see if it works.

the computer lab is all the way across campus from where i live.. GAH!! >_<

the past few days have been jam-packed. to make a long story short, thursday night went to see a chinese musical (the chinese version of romeo and juliet, liang shan buo yu zhu ying tai). friday had orientation (it's nothing compared to berkeley's) and afternoon started our little dating camp. i call it dating camp because it was the japanese major (all girls) with material science engineering (all guys) and every activity we did was just very obviously trying to set us up w/ people. unfortunately, i didn't get hooked up. *melancholy sigh* hahaha.. actually i don't think anyone did because the girls and guys were pretty segregated most of the time. taiwanese culture? freshman culture? i don't know..

first day of classes today. OH MY GOSH THE GYM IS SO NICE. our first PE class (yes we have PE but no math how strange?) was like a tour of some fitness club. it is sooooo nice and soooooo cheap because we're students. yay!!

much more to say but no time because i'm checking out on-campus clubs but i miss you all!! and having much fun here. :)

i hate rain

i went to register today. but i don't know why i was so scatterbrained today.. first i forgot my wallet, and i didn't realize it until i got to the MRT ticket place and i realized i didn't have my card. but originally some of us already agreed to go register together so we'd meet.. obviously i'd be late but i realized i couldn't call them cuz i didn't have their phone number. after i finally got the wallet and got back into the MRT station and got on the train, one of them called to ask where i was and i told them what happened and for them to go ahead first. but as i hung up i wanted to enter in the number in my phone book, which was when i realized that i HAD HER NUMBER ALL ALONG! so i finally get to the NTU campus expecting there'd be directions or signs, but there wasn't, and i realized that i stupidly forgot to check where to register. HOW I COULD FORGET TO CHECK SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT IS BEYOND ME. so i asked some people who were going to register also and they were also trying to figure it out. after i finally finished the whole process, i come out and it's like.. huge pouring rain. -__-;; and there were all these people eagerly trying to get me to join all sorts of clubs and i do appreciate their enthusiasm but.. yeah.. wrong time. so i walk toward the bus station only to realize that the bus i was waiting for just drove away, and no matter how i chased it it wouldn't stop. -__-;; and the whole time it was pouring and i happened to be wearing sandals... *sweatdrop*

so, as you can see, today was not exactly the best day of my life.

the funny thing is, my mom made the observation that had i remembered to bring my wallet, i would have made it there on time so they wouldn't have had to wait for me. and then they would also know where to go so i wouldn't get lost.. and if i had finished sooner i wouldn't have been caught in huge pouring rain and missed my bus.

*huffs and puffs*

so you see, christina, i still cannot survive without you. ^_^;;

tomorrow i move into the dorms. oh and i have to start memorizing the 100 japanese er.. what do you call them. syllables/phonetic symbols/alphabet whatever.

they have mutated.. aerial mobility has greatly increased

oh... my.. gosh.. i just saw a FLYING COCKROACH.

it was bigger than my pinky and i totally freaked out and woke up my sister. at first she didn't want to kill it but then it crawled to a more advantageous position, who would have known that it started flying toward us when she was trying to throw a slipper at it. i screamed and ran behind a door while my sister attacked again. at last it fell to the ground with its many limbs grasping in the air. it took three layers of tissues to pick it up and flush it down the toilet. -___-;; now i'm going to have nightmares of millions of cockroaches climbing all over my body.

to charlton: and you thought killing spiders was scary?

updates

wow. so much has happened i don't even know how to update. and i never really liked writing about daily happenings anyway. i think it's a waste of er.. digital space. ^^;; if there is such a thing.

but yeah, i saw my dorm room, it's on the fifth floor, no elevators. so i'm on my way to developing non-jiggly thighs eh? hehe.. taiwan is still very hot, and i don't get AC until tuesday, so i decided not to move in until after tuesday. yup. of course, the dorm sucks, definitely not as good as berkeley OR ucla OR stanford. but i guess i'll just have to do. whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? (ahem yeah sure)

lately we've been doing much planning for the new home and throwing out old furniture. moving into a new house (well, a new house and an old house and a new dorm all at the same time) is a VERY overwhelming process. we have about 200 boxes worth of stuff coming in in a few days. this means we've been very diligently throwing out old things..

planning for paint, ceiling, light fixtures, furniture arrangement, AC, curtains/shades/blinds is very very... *sweatdrop* tiring.

i've been going on BBS an awful lot lately..

oh yeah one of my roommates is majoring in chinese. yay! i can ask her questions.. and she's thinking about minoring in japanese, so she can ask ME japanese questions, that is, if i'm good enough at it.. -__-;;

no title.

真的好想得你..

-小天使

oop. there it is.

ladies and gentleman, the moment you've all been waiting for...

*drumroll*

TADA!!! the birth of a brand new blog. brought to you completely in chinese.

...

oh yeah, it's private. *wink*

練習打中文

yay! chinese works. i have to start practicing typing in chinese now so for those who can't read it, SUCKS FOR YOU!! muahahhaha *evil laughter*

最近我常常上BBS.. 發現還蠻好玩的..
唉 我打中文實在是有夠慢的 不過 也只好一直練習吧!
嘻嘻..
嗯 肚子餓了 出去吃東東囉!!

試試看

hey! i know leos!!! XD

this cracks me up. btw, in case you're doubting, it's an honest result. hehehehe


You should be dating a Leo.
23 July - 22 August
This mate is honest and loyal, with a sunny
disposition. Though this lion has the tendency
to be arrogant, sulky or smug, he/she is
unrestrained in bed.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
brought to you by Quizilla

facial withdrawl

ever since that facial (see prev. post), i've been feeling weird vibes from.. everywhere. maybe it's the TV, internet, magazines, or just simply walking on the street. and it sounds dumb, really dumb, but..

am i supposed to be making myself look beautiful?

i've heard the whole spiel (sp?) about inner beauty. i'm not talking about that. i'm talking about the i-don't-care-if-i'm-shallow-as-long-as-i'm-as-beautiful-as-the-next-cosmo-girl kind of beauty. you know, taipei IS a city after all, and i suppose city girls care about their looks a lot more. and then there's the saying, "there are no ugly girls, only lazy ones." which brings me to ask the question, can a girl be beautiful without any effort? say, spend 30 seconds brushing her hair, no make-up, spend another 60 seconds figuring out what to wear, and not wear any sunblock. then out the door we go. and there you have it, a shelley. maybe that's always been ok, but now that i'm legally 18, and going onto college, is that still ok?

i'm not opposed to make-up, but i don't feel like actively learning about it. much less is my motivation to wake up 15 min. earlier everyday to APPLY the makeup. and even if i wanted to do all this, i also find makeup artists (those people who stand at those shiny white counters) to be extremely intimidating, and makeup itself to be way out of my budget. so call me lazy, but call me ugly?

i DO care about how i look but i don't feel like putting anything on my face. is this.. normal?? to makeup experts out there, this is a cry for help.

facially challenged,
Shellz

facial

i had a facial today. it was a promotional thing so it was free! hrm.. i always thought facials were like massages, where you just lie there and enjoy. but was i WRONG.

it hurt! i always knew i had blackheads but never really cared about them since no one else seemed to notice anyway. apparently, to get rid of those things no one sees, girls have to undergo a lot of pain. >_< yes.

so my face probably looks much more radiant and feels smoother or whatever, but i really don't see the difference. not at all. sometimes i wish i were a guy.

well it looks like i can't write chinese on here. >:O a d;fiawoe;iafjeowijaoeiwjoaiwejoaiew

so, here is the link.

evo

it's funny how memories work, isn't it?

the way you can think about something and remember the taste, the smell, the air. at that exact moment. the way you can look at an object and remember how you held it in your hands on that day, that today as you hold it, you know he once held it too. the way you can close your eyes and just breathe in his smell, as if he's right there next to you. and you just breathe. even though you know he's not there, you breathe. and you remember.

and then it seems as if that is all you need to go on.

majors, etc.

for the sake of convenience, i used berkeley's schedule planner for my NTU schedule. ^^;; yes i still feel very much attached to berkeley-ness.

anyway, if you're curious enough, you can view my schedule here.

i talked to the intl. students person today.. it looks like they weren't in charge of the admission process, so they don't know why all the business majors spots went to hong kong/malaysia/indonesia countries and not US or canada. and they said that 30% of the intl. students want to switch majors, which shows there's a big problem in the admission process. but anyway, i DID get more information about exactly what it means to transfer as an intl. student, but looks like it's still up to my first-year academics to decide where i go. and if i choose an easier major to transfer into (as opposed to intl. business, top 5%) then it might be a better idea... after all, i can't disregard the adjustment period. gah >_< soooo it is a semi easier way out but.. it's also the more possible way.

*disappointed and hopeful at the same time*

language barriers

i might be able to transfer into international business - i'm going to be able to talk to the guy in charge of intl. students on wednesday. hopefully the process will be simpler than if i had to compete with people in my own class to get in. my sister just gave me a "coaching session" on how to present my case to them and stuff.. why oh why do i have to do all this explaining in chinese... *beads of sweat collect on forehead* so i guess that berkeley admission letter was useful after all.. all is not in vain.

is it because of the language difference? i feel less confident here for some reason.. it's almost as if i'm losing part of myself.. i'm more afraid of arguing/competing now.. gah i don't know why.. >_< i feel like everyone else has an advantage over me, and that's because they can speak their mind and express themselves exactly the way they want to. when i.. i'm struggling with words and get stuck in the middle of the sentence when that specific english word is just screaming in capital letters inside my head. and sometimes i give up and just say the english translation but i get blank stares and then i'm afraid that i made the mistake every asian person makes when they visit their mother country, and that is acting arrogant as if english is superior to chinese. but why am i so much less aggressive now? and will i ever be able to make this place my home?

i knew it was going to be tough.. that's what i tell myself everytime i run into some problem that even a 12-year-old would be able to solve just because they've always lived here. like today i had to ask my dad how to address an envelope the chinese way (vertically). >_< gosh i feel like an idiot. just as big an idiot as the time when i first moved to america and i didn't even know how to yell at those kids who cut in front of me because i didn't know how to complain. but i just keep telling myself that this is exactly WHY i came here.. because i want to get to know the people, the culture, just how exactly to survive in the city of taipei, without the help of parents or older siblings (as was always the case when i came back just to visit). and i know everyone makes mistakes.. so why can't i allow myself to make mistakes too?

i've been sort of lonely here... there's lots to do, but no one to do things with. and yes, i know i will meet new people and make new friends, but i want you guys!!!

T_T

indecision

you can lie to everyone but yourself.

i got a haircut

and it looks very, very different. layered, highlighted, different part.

new fobbish look!

jap major girls

the japanese mini-orientation today was quite an eye-opener. many observations made by me..

first we met at the metro station.. then they took us to this big building with a lot of conference rooms, where they had a lot of snacks and drinks ready, and each leader introduced herself. i say herself because the entire room was filled with girls. of the 50ish people in the jap major, there are only 8 guys, and that is a lot for this year.. last year they had 2 guys only. it was a like a freakin sorority in there.. such great contrast to my orientation at cal, where i only met one other girl in my major.

nevertheless, the girls were very nice. they take care of you very well.. and i thought calso thoroughly walked us through the entire class registration process.. today we were spoon-fed everything we needed to know so that almost no reading on your own was required.. very different. they also had people talk about every professor of the classes we're going to take, telling us which one will let you sleep, which one has extremist ideals, which one doesn't take roll, which one gives what kind of grades..

i surprised myself by being extremely shy. when i stood up to introduce myself to everyone there, and i mentioned the part about me being an intl. student who just moved here from cali, everyone in the room went "whoaaaaaa..." apparently, it's a big deal.

but anyway, i was also surprised at how much chinese i understood. because they used so many slang words and they talk SO FAST. >_< like if they say the teacher gives "sweet" grades it means it's pretty loose. bu tsuo kan, literally translated not bad see, is supposed to mean something that looks pretty good. everyone was so fobbish but i must say, fobbish girls are so cute!! ^___^ they all have very white skin and cute little pigtails with hairclips and talk in sweet high-pitched voices and they all look so.. young! like little girls. and they all huddle together. since everone's a girl, the jap major girls reminded me of having sisterhood power. it was weird but they were very nice.

i realized that if i don't make a conscious effort to make friends, it'll be kinda hard.. especially since they seem to be intimidated by me somehow..

if i want to double-major in intl. business, i have to be within the top 5% of my class. >"<

be a fob

i don't think i'm quite used to the fact that i'm actually going to be staying here for a while.. i also don't know if i should view my surroundings as someone back in a familiar place or someone trying to adjust to a completely new environment. it may not seem like it really matters from what perspective i view things, but it does.

when i talk to people, it almost feels as if i never really left this place, because it's not as if i'm beginning to learn chinese while living here. in surface everyday conversation, you probably won't be able to tell that i just moved here from america unless you're an expert linguist or something. but if you were to refer to something as simple as, say, a well-known road name, i woudn't know where that is, and it's things like that which set me apart. i suppose there are some things you just wouldn't know unless you've lived in that place for a while, and it's that familiarity that i lack.

i know these things take time and i would eventually become more and more familiar as time goes by, but i'm just in such a hurry. i'm in a hurry to absorb the latest music, the slang, the recent happenings, the fashion trend, where to shop and where not to shop, where to eat what and what's the best way to get there.. i'm in a hurry to develop these habits of living. but why? does it make me feel more like a taiwanese rather than a tourist? why is it so important that i have to feel like i'm just like everyone else who's lived here for most of their lives?

and yet all this time back in tino i was going for being unique. now that i sort of achieved that by being here, not really fitting in, i find myself wanting to conform again. that's so strange... i used to get such a kick out of doing something different, and now that i AM somewhat different, i'd give anything to go back to my fobbish self.

they've always taught you that surface things don't define what you are. the clothes you wear, the language you speak, the things you eat, what you look like, etc. don't really dictate your identity. so what tells me who i am then? i guess the question i've been struggling with for so many years has come back to haunt me again: am i american or taiwanese?

maybe it's because i feel as if i should be totally at home here, so if i make myself look and act really fobbish, i will feel more like a taiwanese. and that's supposed to be good because.. i feel like this is what i SHOULD be. but somehow.. i'm not really sure if i am.

i went to NTU this morning. not the first time i've been there, but the first time i looked at it as my school.

preliminary report

i am here!! it is so HOT. no, hot is an understatement. it is boiling. the heat is stifling. i walked out of the airport and MY GLASSES FOGGED UP. it's as if i walked into a sauna or something.. and immediately i can feel all the tiny little microscopic droplets of water clinging onto every square inch of my body, as if my entire body was wrapped by seran-wrap. disgusting. >_<

but now i'm sitting in an air-conditioned room, calmly typing out this message. i checked some blogs and i got so sad reading them.. you guys, i'm not going off to die!! and i'll still be updating this blog and checking email and on aim and everything, all you have to do is calculate time difference.. taiwan is 15 hours ahead of pacific time so just add 3 hours and flip the am/pm and voila! oh yeah and my chinese new year break lasts for a whole month. A WHOLE MONTH OF HEXAGON REUNION TIME! er.. hopefully all corners will be reunited.. ^_^

oh yeah and i was right about sitting in the aisle seat chrissy.. *sweatdrop* i sat next to a mother and lil boy, who had to go out like every 30 minutes. i was like GAH!!!! never again shall i choose to sit next to the aisle. -__-;; but alas, i am here and i ate my favorite breakfast that i cried over when i first got to america 9 years ago.. then i read over some NTU info and my head started hurting from the overwhelming amount of formal chinese reading.. so i took a nap and now i'm here.

thank you guys for SO MANY things.. for angela's scrapbook, for chrissy's scrapbook, for alex and tangy's "something that starts with a T and ends with a Y," for the pocky that i saved, for the american CD and goodbye CD, for instant replays, for feeding me KFC, for being my body pillow (i hope you didn't get in trouble!), for revealing to me your deepest darkest (or is it whitest?) secrets, for the indecisive lunch wheel that is now filled with memories, for the tiffany one-day-only $20 sale (yeah right haha), for the business woman quotes AND post-its, for the hugo cologne and c*****, for teaching me how to play CS, for offering the cute pink scented tissues at just the right time, for force-feeding me candy, for the hug every five minutes, for so many rides i had to bug you guys with, and last, THANK YOU GUYS FOR BEING SUCH DEPENDABLE, UNFORGETTABLE, SAPPY, HELPFUL, I-WILL-DO-ANYTHING-FOR-YOU-SHELLEY FRIENDS!

i will miss you guys.. but i will be coming back in only FIVE months and i might be able to stay for THREE WEEKS!!!! until then, keep in touch or else. >:)

tangy & alex

tangy and alex both did me huge favors by helping me pack today.. i felt sort of bad at one point cuz i was just going, do this do that! but thanks you guys!! ^___^

tomorrow is "Shelley Wish Day," which is basically a day where i can make tangy and alex do WHATEVER i want them to do, as long as they don't get arrested. hehehee *evil cackling* i need some ideas! ^^;;

dive in

i suppose this is the way to go - just keep doing and hoping. going forward. that's why our eyes aren't at the back of our heads right?

so take a dive, even if you don't know how deep the water is.

*homer voice* mmm... monopoly...

everything you need to know from property hit frequency to payback percentage, from mortgage priorities to housing shortages.

all explained here. enjoy! XD

i've been posting so much! haha here is charlton when he was a little baby: http://www.penny-arcade.com/view.php3?date=2003-08-11

paint!

One day a blonde comes out of the tanning salon. She wants to make some money so she goes to one of the rich neighborhoods. She rings the door bell and say, "HI,is there anything I could do for your house or u???"
The man thinks and says, "Sure, can paint my porch. You will find all the stuff in the garage."
The girl says, "O.K., How much will you pay me?"
The man says, "How much does fifty bucks sound?"
The quickly agrees and get straight to work. The wife who had heard the conversation inside says, "50 bucks, I hope she knows the porch goes all around the house!"
25 minutes later the girl knocks on the door and says, "O.K. I am done. Can I have my money now?"
surprised the man replies, "O.K. Let me get the money"
he comes back and the girl says as she is leaving, "By the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porch!"

you buy car now

get Power Rider(tm) and other used furniture for FREE when you buy a car from us! limited time offer, some restrictions may apply

for sale:
'94 Honda Accord EX
79,000 mi, 4 doors
$5600

'96 Toyota Corolla
40,000 mi, 4 doors
$4300

prices according to the Blue Book -25%

did you know...

have you guys noticed that the google ads banner on the top of the page is based on the content of that page? because i just noticed that mine has "timpani mallets for less" and tangy's has poker game rules and kafung's has "you like monkeys?" ad. hehhehehe it's a very interesting advertising method because this way google has a bigger possibility of reaching the right audience with the right message. just click on "ads by google" in the lil banner if you want to learn more.

so hungry.. dinner soon with church friends.

dixie chicks - landslide

I took my love and I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older too
Well...

Well, I've been afraid of changing 'cause I built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I'm getting older, too
Well I'm getting older too

So, take this love and take it down
Yeah and if you climb a mountain and ya turn around
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well the landslide brought me down
And if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Well maybe
Well maybe
Well maybe the landslide will bring you down

stupidity

sometimes one little mistake you failed to catch yourself making.. can ruin everything.

today was awesome you guys.. and even though i wasn't "surprised," techinically i still am but just a little prematurely. but you all made my face go ^____^V.

now i'm super tired..

cys

visiting cys summer rehearsal today was quite an experience. maybe it's because it's the first time, or seeing friends/teachers, or simply because it is cys. this organization which has helped to put so many overprotected asian kids into the great colleges they choose is still there (obviously that is only a minor part of the goodness of cys, duh), and i feel like it's always going to be there. i don't quite know how to explain it. asian music-loving kids come and go like a river flowing through the organization, we create the current and it in turn empowers us.. but the teachers, like mr. eylar and artie, are like the trees that grow by the bank, because they are unmoving, and they watch the river flow, watching little bubbles pop up and travel down, and they watch over us and teach us. i don't think i've ever really appreciated teachers, but seeing the oh-so-familiar cys rehearsal reminded me that without them, i wouldn't have had all the wonderful experiences in cys.

and the people.. at the risk of sounding like a "how to get into college" pamphlet, one of the great things about joining extra-curricular activities is the people you meet, because they love what they're doing just as much as you do. it's different than some random person you meet at, say, a bar because you recognize that commonality and you build upon it. i guess that's why i made so many friends in cys, because it is just EASY to talk to people. and artie, the percussion instructor, is just wonderful. the first thing he did when he saw me was give me a big warm hug. he was with me when i went through the stanford application process (rec), then through not getting in, then through the decision to go to berkeley, then through the decision to NOT go to berkeley.

what is it about music that brings people together so well? we make friends through singing in a choir, dancing to music at a club, sleeping together (literally) during marching band competitions, and of course, playing in an orchestra like cys. i guess the reason i feel so strongly about this is because i was in the percussion section, and the team work of orchestral percussionists during some particular pieces is like no other. i'm not exaggerating this, but when it comes to concert time and the conductor cues you and expects you to hit something, you better be able to trust that the percussionist next to you has already handed you the mallets you need. yes, it can be as simple as that. handing mallets. or passing the triangle. or turning the snare on. if it's a percussion solo or ensemble, one person screwing up = the entire section screws up.

i don't even know why i feel this way all of a sudden. maybe it's seeing the people i worked so closely with, hauling timpani cases and a whole truckful of equipment in the past years. i really do wish them the best and i just know they will do great under the direction of mr. eylar and artie. i will miss them so much and i'm confident they will carry on cys' tradition of excellent music for years to come. what a happy entry.

peretti.. like pretty!

why does it seem like tiffany is the only jewelry company in the entire world?! the little light blue box with the white ribbon, infamous in every soap opera, movie, everywhere. well, after thoroughly surfing around on the tiffany website, i officially declare that i am in love with elsa peretti.

yes, reinforceing the "women like shiny objects" stereotype. what fun.

i think i will visit the cys rehearsal tomorrow. :D

try to remember

Try to remember the kind of September
when life was slow and oh, so mellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when grass was green and grain was yellow.
Try to remember the kind of September
when you were a tender and callow fellow,
Try to remember and if you remember the follow.

Try to remember when life was so tender
that no one wept except the willow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
dreams were kept beside your pillow.
Try to remember when life was so tender that
love was an ember about to billow.
Try to remember and if you remember then follow.

Deep in December it's nice to remember
altho you know the snow will follow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
without the hurt the heart is hollow.
Deep in December it's nice to remember
the fire of September that made us mellow.
Deep in December our hearts should remember and follow.

look! *points*

two packs a day.. i admit i am a heavy pocky-er. ^^;; and now guys can do it too!

cancelled

"Your registration has been cancelled.

"Thank you for using Tele-BEARS on the WEB."

yes, i suppose i did not really have to cancel my registration, i could just withdraw for one semester and that way i won't have to reapply if i change my mind. but i know the road ahead is much harder (at least in the beginning) than what i would have had to face if i chose to go to berkeley. so this is perhaps the only way for me to toughen up and go through with it all. somehow, even though i may not want to leave now, i know that in the end this is for the best, and i will know that i made the right decision. i just have to.. get through this first.

starting over

the need for blog privacy has been resolved. *wink* thank you for your patience.

i am back. :)

i'm baaaaack!! along with some few extra pounds..

my first comment.. WHAT HAPPENED TO MY LAYOUT!!!!! this is horrifying.. shall be changing it soon. apparently the girl exceeded her bandwidth limit. :-/

haha swimming at kaka's house was pretty fun. his pool is much warmer than charlton's! and so much food..! i think i ate four hot dogs..

oh yes, remind me it is a dangerous thing to get into the jacuzzi with three rambunctious guys. hahaha "pimp-tress" status.

okie well i'm off to the beautiful alaskan cruise for a week! be back on the 25th (late night). goodbye america!! er.. not really.. well goodbye california and heat wave! you guys have fun with the upcoming thunderstorm! :P

muahahahhahaha

mood: enthralled

nothing like walking that can make you feel more like a piece of meat.

so today i didn't have my car because my sister had to use it. i was dropped off at starbucks, where i spent a good 3, 4 hours. not really reading all that much, as i intended to do. but instead, i just sat there and thought. and i realized that i really like talking to myself! we sometimes argue but we always make up, and she always seems to know exactly what i'm talking about before i finish the sentence!

so anyway, back to the subject i began with. i ended up walking along stevens creek from starbucks (the one near safeway) back home. as i passed under the bridge (er not really a bridge, more like 280? whatever it is), i noticed this white car driving very very close to the curb and slowing as it approached. so i thought maybe that person knew me but as i glanced in, i realized he was one of those asian guys that i don't normally associate with, and he was using one hand to lower his sunglasses, staring right at me. i thought, how rude! so i stuck out my tongue at him and made a face. then he drove away.

ugh. ugh ugh ugh.

mood: irate

why am i up at this ungodly hour.

actually, i got up at 8 because i had to pee. then i went back to bed but couldn't sleep, and my sister who had just come here from taiwan came and talked to me while poking around my room. so now i'm fully up, and blogging. i've forgotten how cold it was in the morning.. but it feels interesting to be up so super early without having to immediately rush to something. it feels so weird because i've never gotten up this early when i didn't have to! hehe.. almost makes me feel like a normal person.

i said i wouldn't post my AP scores because i always thought it looked like you were bragging by announcing it to the whole world. but i got tired of answering ppl asking me so here they are. you get to reap the benefits of my laziness:

bio 4, english 5, calc BC 4 (AB subscore 4), microecon 5

hmm.... now that i'm up, i have no idea what the heck to do. what do people do in the morning???

mood: eh

haha.. i just got an email from my big sister in EECS.. here is some of it:

I don't know if you've heard about this Little/Big Sister program in eecs. What happens is that every year an incoming female freshman in eecs will be paired up with another female student in eecs. So yea, I'm your big sister! =D (I think we're paired up because we're both from Cupertino.. hehe..) ... I'm
leaving for Taiwan on the night of 31st and will stay there for about 20 days. I'm also going down to L.A. this weekend. so yea.. I hope to hear from you soon ^_^

aw.. isn't that sweet? i feel so bad that she's not going to have a little sister now because i'm not going to cal. :( but how weird is that? she's a GIRL in EECS from TINO who's CHINESE and going to TAIWAN!!!! those people are very talented at matching people up..

hehe.. email like this make me feel sad. :-/

i feel like i want to say something in my defense but.. the words won't come out. i just want to let it be..

too much on my mind. too much for an uneventful, relaxing summer anyway. out for some air.

mood: melancholy

this summer just has been.. ah.. so great. :D but it's about half over now.. doesn't time pass by so fast?

my mom wants me return that black zipper top i got at express. she calls it "bad girls" clothes. :-/ so i guess i gotta make a trip to the mall tomorrow.. but yesterday i also got bikinis!!! ta-da! XD at first i liked this one top but the other bottom, then i wore them together and the colors matched! so i have different-patterned bikinis now.. hehe

and today we went to "test it out" at charlton's house. i haven't worn a bikini since i was like four so it felt very weird.. like when i pushed off the side, water went in and i felt like the bikini kept on moving around, so i didn't have much "protection" around my boobs. teehee.. and we played underwater charade! well... i played underwater charade, they just kinda stood around with a bemused expression at my imitating a starfish by clinging on to the side of the pool..

one thing that bugs me a lot is parents who don't know how to let go of their children. you can't teach them much by restricting them, because they will just know "i shouldn't do this because my parents told me not to." until you realize it's their life and let go, they won't be able to decide what to do and what not to do on their own.. shouldn't parents teach children principles, instead of telling them you can't do this or that? i'm all for well-disciplined children, but if parents are overprotective and won't loosen their grip, once their children go off and live on their own, they will be as if all hell broke loose and be even more rebellious, just to do all the things their parents restricted them from doing before.

i'm glad my parents acted as my guides instead of my masters. they didn't treat me as if i was their little puppet, my limbs controlled by occasional tugs at their fancy. if i choose to become a mother one day, i hope i will do that too - not totally let my kids run "wild and free," but letting them live their own life and feel free to be able to tell me what is really going on in their lives. isn't it sad how many parents don't know what their kids are really like?

and of course, my daily mood: content

browsing random xangas again.. an entry really made an impression on my mind: vi. look at the december 9th post.

so.... hungry.... x_X

i may start using this.. haha finally tools from other online journals start to become useful.

mood: groggy

sometimes i wonder why i even bother.

from now on, i will be 30 minutes late to everything. that way, i'll be just in time and everybody will be happy! screw punctuality, it's all about time management now.

i think i may have two bruises on my butt.

good times, good times: standing near the bbq grill for warmth; "freaking" the horse; child-rearing revelations; two "lesbians" in the car; the pearl milk tea that actually had only the milk part of it; fob mark greeting; standing in line for the bathroom for 20 minutes; my horse with an attitude; angry mexicans and cranky white ladies; grape that "tastes like chicken!"; why everything tastes like chicken; the bread center; richard with leprosy; huddled together with chrissy sharing one jacket; my horse's name is ironically "bustie"; christina's measurements; trotting with rigid upper bodies versus moving butts; three drops of bird poop on poor chrissy...

why do i still smell like barbeque.

my head is spinning. to calm myself down, i took another stupid quiz. hehe!

new counter!! isn't it cute?! he looks like he's saying "grr.. why is my face here on this stupid unworthy counter.. *sweatdrop*" hehe!

time to get back at those greedy bravenet advertisers. *clicks delete account button* >:O

ok ew. time to get a new counter. those bravenet people just do not understand that they have gone TOO FAR with the advertisements - first they started with pop-ups, and now THIS?! can a poor bloggist who only wants to have her simple, free counter get a break?! and now i gotta go dig out new counter sites. do you not see my plight?!

agh. ok done with my over-dramatization of the counter encounter. hehe!

i realize that even though i'd rather TELL people about my decision to go to NTU (as opposed to having them read about it and that's it), i'd still better write up a blog detailing my reasons, or else i just wouldn't feel right. my dear mr. blogger has been with me through the best times and the worst, and to make a big decision like this without first consulting my dear mr. blogger would just be wrong. so wrong.

instead of observing other people like i'm usually doing when i space out, today i observed myself. and i realized that when certain circumstances require it, i can be the exact opposite of everything i wish to be. today with relatives, i was meek, quiet, obedient, polite, lady-like... talked only about the "good stuff" - you know, stuff you talk about with relatives such as colleges, majors, languages, the weather oh my gosh.. haha stuff like that. why do i do that??? it's strange. i become a traditional chinese girl again. no one forces me to, but it's almost like second nature or something.. the good hostess.. the quiet listener.. the polite smile and nod.. the salutary phrases.. the helpful translator at the restaurant.. the denial when they give you compliments.. the smile and slight bow..

always been one to make fun of people who obey the whole "i must now face up to my duties as a chinese blah blah blah to my chinese blah blah blah and do what is expected of me blah blah blah..." so why do i do it too? gah >_< i fee like such a hypocrite! and yet, i'm confused at the same time, because all those things are supposed to be virtuous, no? being a good chinese daughter and bringing honor to the family and all that.. i suppose that if you do it superifically, just to put up a good show, it's a bad thing.. but what human being does not want to present their best side to acquaintances? when we try to let people see only the good side, is that being superficial or fake? or is that just being tactful and having good social skills? if a person is always completely truthful and straightforward, even blunt often times, but they don't have a healthy social life, does that make them any better or worse than a suave social butterfly?

and maybe if you're very good at these kinds of things, you can have the best of both worlds - truth and sincerity combined with a wide sphere of influence and connections.. but is that possible? it seems like the poetry-night-at-the-local-cafe crowd just doesn't mix with the business-suit-and-tie crowd? hmm...

another one of my "inconclusive experiences.." hahaha sorry for being a marlow.