breathe in
frou frou

I - read you - and god i'm good at it - i'm so spot on
Chord - shapes in air - go press that dissonance - if you dare
And you - breathing in - finesse an innocent
From her partying

And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
Cause i love you no?
Can't help but love, you know...

What - part of no - don't you understand - i've told you before
To just get - off my case - this isn't happening - stop this now
And i - where was i? - i have to be somewhere
Now where did i put it?

And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
And i'm high enough from all the waiting
To ride a wave on your inhaling
Cause i love you no?
Can't help but love you, no...

Is this it - is this it - is this it?

Yes - hello we're back - and we're taking calls
Now what was the question?

Take the Purrsonality Quiz!

ok i found out why my counter always stops counting.. it doesn't appear on the page sometimes becuz the code get these & thingies in it, just like the clock! grrrr... very angry. why does this only happen to me?!

>_<

strangely, there is something very fulfilling about talking to people you don't know very well... becuz the conversations are so HAPPY! it's just.. so positive and so normal.. cuz each person wants to make a good first impression, and so we don't do anything rude, or depressing, or say the wrong things, or stumble on a touchy subject that we've argued about before. and we try to make ourselves look good so we sound more confident, more optimistic, as if everything is going just fine. well maybe that is just what we need sometimes. some good old, hard-core, happy surface superficial small talk.

my mom and i stayed up until past 3 AM yesterday arguing about religion. and it led to other very bad stuff involving family members who are living in taiwan right now.. don't wanna go into details cuz you're not supposed to tell other ppl about what happens in your family (jia chou bu wai liu). but basically, my mom has been in some sort of denial about my whole christianity crisis. and this whole american school teaching about individualism and making your own decisions and sticking to them and knowing why you do the things you do don't help either. i can't follow my mom becuz i don't want to go to church just becuz she tells me to. but i can't follow myself becuz at the back of my mind, i know i'm doing something wrong.. and i can't figure it out on my own... this isn't one of those romanticized "follow your heart" kind of things.. i don't know what to believe anymore, and frankly, i'm REALLY tired of trying to find answers. i feel like just giving up and living in sin and not giving a crap about anything, fulfilling only my body and soul, ignoring spritual needs. but i know it's like chapter 7 in the calc book - it's only gonna come back and bite me in the butt.

my mom compared my relationship with God to a parent-child relationship. if a child strays away, the caring father will watch from a distance, giving the child freedom to explore, but still knowing exactly where the child is and what he's doing, watching over him. but if the child is in real danger, like he strays away so much that he's about to fall off a cliff, the father will run up and catch his child. so she says that God is watching over everything i do right now. even if i deny Him and declares to be independent and doubts what He says or even His existence and do everything to hurt Him, he will still keep watch over me and rescue me if one day i'm about to fall off the cliff. but until that day, God is waiting for me, wondering when the heck his ignorant child is going to come home. so let me be that ignorant child. let me try to figure out where to go, even if that means straying away from God. i don't want to go to church just becuz my mom tells me to. she makes it really hard for me to stick to this though, becuz i always feel so guilty every time i don't listen to her.. and she knows that i should go to chruch for myself, she understands that. she just thinks that i still have to keep going, becuz if i don't go, how is God going to talk to me? so now i'm stuck in this place, i either forgo making my own decisions and do something that i consider meaningless right now, or i break my mom's heart by not following what she considers to be the most important thing in my life.

i feel horrible.. i'm ignoring the people who care about me the most, and following something that i don't even completely believe in. what DO i believe in?? i'm nothing if i am not part of something larger than life.. and i'm only taking up space in this world if i'm walking around like a zombie, doing activities that have no meaning for myself or for anyone else. i don't want my life to be a meaningless one. but who is to say what is meaning? if i'm the one who decides, how do i know it's right? if my life is a big long final exam, so far i feel like i'm choosing all the wrong answers.

i wish i could get out of this painful loop and just BELIEVE. somehow..

oh my gosh... i don't think i have ever seen a worst movie before in my life! a tip for those of you not-so-assertive movie-goers: if you think the movie is horrible, chances are the people sitting next to you are thinking the same thing. which is exactly what made this entire night so funny.. the three of us sat through 2 hours of that thing, all thinking, maybe the other two are enjoying this more than i am.. maybe i just don't get it.. i personally thought it was just a "guy movie," so that's why they're not saying anything and i'm the only one feeling absolutely ridiculous sitting there.. but apparently, as ricky later commented, he also assumed me and alex thought it was ok. and alex.. well.. come to think of, i'm not sure if he was awake at all.

so this has certainly taught me a lesson: don't just pick a random movie becuz you thought the title sounded interesting! hehe :D well i'll certainly never forget this experience.. haha i don't think ricky will let me forget it. hehe.. i still can't stop laughing about the whole thing..

i'm so, so sorry!!! >_<

What's your brand of sexy?
brought to you by Quizilla

ah economics, a wonderful combination of two things i love - efficiency and $$$!

online quizzes are so much fun.

habbo economic theory. hehe IM me if you wanna discuss.

interesting result..

What inner color are you?

You are maroon. You represent cunning stength, but usually a manipulative power evolves from it. You are vengeful and impure, and have nearly lost all hope at become beautiful inside again.

i wonder if this new semester means, "i'll try my hardest cuz i screwed up last semester." or does it mean, "ah whatever it's the 2nd semester of senior year and grades don't matter that much, i'll do homework when i feel like it." maybe becuz i FEEL less stress, i will do even better, becuz last semester i just imagined it to be harder than it really was? hmm... well now that my GPA is messed up, i can do anything i want, right? i don't have to really care if i mess it up even more, right? but what if i still feel bad if i know i could have done better, even though grades don't really matter anymore? do i try to get good grades just becuz i'm idealistic and try to be the best? or do i try just to get into a good college? or maybe it's both? i wonder what the next few months will bring..

gosh i hate how negative i can be sometimes.

What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla

Goddess of the Moon. Beauty, yet a sadness lurks about you at times. But hey, pain is beauty, right?

since i might stay in taiwan permanently in a few months, tomorrow (techincally today) we're gonna go to s.f. to get my visa stuff done. i was told to go through my old passports and list out all the dates i entered and departed u.s. and taiwan. tedious task. but then i realized each of the stamps represented every time i stepped into the stuffy atmosphere as i got off the plane... every time i looked down on the city lights growing dimmer and smaller as the plane rose into the clouds.. every time i breathed a sigh of relief to see my mom waiting for me at the arrivals terminals in the s.f. intl airport.. every time i waited anxiously behind "the yellow line" for those anonymous asian immigrant officers to let me pass.. every time i dragged my suitcase on the taipei streets at 7 AM, toward the sandwich shop i would always visit before i even put down my bags at home.. looking at the stamps reminded me of each visit back to taiwan.. of the time i got my hair dyed without my parents' permission.. of the first time i rode on a motorcycle... of each time i secretly cussed at the unpredictable water faucet for giving me a "heat shock." of each time i ate tian bu la at the shi lin night market. of each time i opened the door into the yamaha electone classroom for an hour with the luxurious EL model...

ahh memory overflow!! hehe.. i wonder what this trip will bring..

taiwan visit 2003 to-do list:
- visit colleges, sit in on classes, look at dorms
- look at my own apartment!
- catch up on "fob music" and get essential CD's
- catch up on "fob tv"
- buy a whole lotta chibi maruko vids :D
- get a laptop with chinese windows system
- gain mah-jong skills? my dad's the master
- sister-to-sister time ^_^
- shop!!
- eat yummy foods :P
- buy cute stationary for angie and chrissy becuz they're so darn obsessed!
- bring gifts home from mom to her friends
- visit ze-yu ge ge
- get a haircut and maybe new hair color
- karaoke!! lalala~
- get to know my possible brother-in-law
- gain a better understanding of where i belong

*sigh* this reminds me of one of those master card commericials... hehe!
airplane ticket: 600 dollars
pearl milk tea: 25 NT
bus fare to NTU: 12 NT
dinner with dad and sister: 500 NT
a trip to re-discover what being an ex-fob means: priceless

hahhaa i should submit this or somethin!

how accurate do you think this is?

Your Existing Situation
Not only considers her demands minimal, but also regards them as imperative. Sticks to them stubbornly and will concede nothing.

Your Stress Sources
Feels that life has far more to offer and that there are still important things to be achieved--that life must be experienced to the fullest. As a result, she pursues her objectives with a fierce intensity that will not let go of things. Becomes deeply involved and runs the risk of being unable to view things with sufficient objectivity, or calmly enough; is therefore in danger of becoming agitated and of exhausting her nervous energy. Cannot leave things alone and feels she can only be at peace when she has finally reached her goal.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Trying to calm down and unwind after a period of over-agitation which has left her listless and devoid of energy. In need of peace and quiet; becomes irritable if this is denied her.
Insists that her hopes and ideas are realistic, but need reassurance and encouragement. Egocentric and therefore quick to take offense.
Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Desires a tranquil, peaceful state of harmony offering quiet contentment and a sense of belonging.

Your Actual Problem
Needs to achieve a stable and peaceful condition, enabling her to free herself of the worry that she may be prevented from achieving all the things she wants.

so this is what it feels like...

yeaaaaa~~ i got TWO chibi maruko vids!! yahoooo *dances*

from "all i have"

(Jen):
Stop playin'
You gamin'
I gotta leave you alone
Cause I'm good
Holdin down my spot
And I'm good
Reppin the girls on the block
And I'm good
I got this thing on lock
So without me you'll be fine, right?

(LL Cool J):
People make mistakes
To make-up, to break-up, to wake-up
Cold and lonely
Chill, baby, you know me
You love me
I'm like your homie
Instead of beefin
Come hold me
I promise I'm not a phony
So don't bounce baby
Console me

(Jen):
Ain't nothin you can say, to me
That can change my mind
I gotta let you go now
Ain't nothin will ever be the same
So just be on your way
Go ahead and do yo thing now
And there's no more to explain to me
You know
I know ya game
Im not feelin' what you do

So I'm bouncin'
And I'm out son
I gotta leave you alone
Yeah, yeah...

so today my mom saw me playing habbo and she was yelling, "so THIS is why you never do math homework!!! which one of your friends gave you this game?! they are trying to get you behind in schoolwork!!" of course she said it in chinese, which made it even funnier. :D but i told her that I was the one who told other people to play it so really, i'm the one trying to get them to slack off. hehee~

ah it was scary. i saw a real live mouse today! trying to steal my doggie's food!!!! >:O may the combined wrath of both shellie and lassie come upon you, you conniving mouse!!! the first time i screamed when i saw it and my dog jumped so it ran away. the second time we covered up the food and the mouse ran away. so then, being the brave non-mouse-fearing young lady of the house that i am, i put the trap next to the dog's food. hah! now let's see you get your foot stuck in a half inch of glue you stupid mouse! for those of you who don't know, the last mouse was discovered in the engine of my parents' lexus, when my mom started up the car. you can imagine the blood and the guts and the fur and the bones in the engine. yuck. we had to spend hundreds of $$ getting it fixed... so we are all very very angry at those pesty little rodents that we could all live without. and shouldn't they be hybernating right now or something? instead of trying to steal food at such a cold time? unless the mice are like us, who are procrastinators. but that doesn't excuse them for making us pay hundreds of U.S. DOLLARS! especially when the taiwanese stock market hasn't been doing well for like, forever. >_<

oh yes, i have come up with many, many theories/analogies from playing habbo hotel. ask me if you're bored. heh. :P

so it is set. i am going on my "reminiscing trip" back to taiwan on the 14th of feb. and coming back on the 21st. woohoo! you know what this means.. NEW HAIRCUT!!!! muahahha.. oh and of course, i gotta visit some colleges.

i seem to be drifting off into deep thought in public places a lot today... today chrissy and angela kept on trying to "pull me back into reality." it was very sad how i couldn't really concentrate on what was going on right there and then.. but i know i couldn't tell ppl all the things that were going on in my head becuz i just felt like it would take too much explanation.. sometimes i feel like my mind plays this soap opera in my head whenever it gets the chance, and my thought pattern, wherever it wonders to, are like continuous episodes of a drama series.. it's very annoying, though, when i kept on missing the video questions and chrissy had to say, "shelley! that was #2!!!" haha thanks chrissy :)

maybe i've lost the ability to open up to ppl cuz i can never tell anyone anything. but WHY? we were talking in gov today about how i used to be very talkative, and now i'm quieter cuz i keep everything to myself. maybe i'm not as open now becuz i feel like everything that i say becomes more significant.. and once it's out of my mouth, it becomes truth for me.. maybe i don't want certain things to be true yet.. maybe i want it to remain a true or false question without ever answering it.. it's not like i have some deadly secret i have to hide.. no, i tell people a lot actually, but just not anything that really MATTERS to me. i skip those topics, sometimes without knowing it. so i guess sometimes i feel like people don't really know who i am.. AGHH this is so stupid. why does it matter anyway? why do you have to have ppl know you inside and out. it's not a good thing. i need to stop acting like a psych freak and just get back to reality, which i can't seem to do today.

ok so i've been "in hiding" for the past few days.. sorry to all the people who attempted to contact me but had to face the cold, impersonal answering machine. you were not the only one.

um.. i will not attempt to offer any type of explanation for my avoidant behavior. but tomorrow (back to school!) everything will go back to normal. goodnight!

ahhh i'm so sick i'm so sick! i hate being sick! *sniff* i think i go through this denial phase everytime i get sick. in the beginning, when i'm just starting to have the symptoms, i just ignore it and keep on doing whatever it is i'm doing, pretending like it doesn't affect me at all and that it'll go away. wishful thinking, eh? and then i get REALLY sick and i don't wanna take medicine or do anything about it cuz i'm lazy like that. if i also happen to have work to get done (such as applications in the past few days) i just sit in front of the computer and stare at the screen, and i can't really think about anything except the fact that my head hurts. then i start to write some essay that doesn't even make sense to myself, sending it to a school i don't think is going to accept me anyway. did you know that upenn's huntsman program (wharton + college) accepts only 40 ppl every year?! 40!!!!! oh well, i wrote that extra essay anyway.. bleh >_< so glad almost all of it will be over...

ever since i talked to that perky person from stanford on dec. 17, i've been very cynical about the whole college application process.. i refused to spend much time on essay-writing because i tried so freakin hard for stanford and it STILL wasn't good enough.. so for the rest of the colleges, i figured they'll either accept me the way my not-so-good essay looks or they don't. and i'm not exactly getting much encouragement from my dad about american colleges either.. but i know that he and my mom only want what's best for me, so i don't want to complain. besides, i haven't been able to make an informed decision about taiwanese colleges yet cuz i haven't visited them. wait, actually i know my sister's very very well, and some ppl from ntu, which, now that i think about it, is prolly why i'm not super excited about applying there..

enough complaints. onto news about habbo hotel. yes, the recent shellie-fad. i discovered it when i was finding out about sims online, which seemed interesting yet controversial. when i first visited habbo, i read the bit about credits and thought, whoa people pay real money to buy fake things! and immediately dismissed it as a dumb thing to do for ppl who have way too much time on their hands. but then i spent a little bit more time exploring every aspect of the hotel and i found out why ppl would do it. first of all, you can have a pretty good room with just a few bucks. and it's just like spending money at an arcade.. you never really get it back, and the only benefit is satisfaction. ah yes, the cost and benefit analysis. cost is relatively low, and the marginal utility component of the benefit can be extremely high, depending on your personality. and you get to share it with friends, like a visual chat room, which makes it more worthwhile because you're not having pointless conversations with strangers. then there are the more "extreme" people, who buy a lot of furni and spend a lotta time "hiring" people to become part of their "mafia." it was pretty funny watching all those habbos changing their clothes and mission statements and doing exactly what the mafia head tells them to do just for a few furni. you'd be surprised what ppl do for furni actually. there are rooms named "race for furni" and all they do is have a line of ppl race from one end of the room to the other, back and forth and back and forth, promising that the winner will get free furni. it's really very funny watching all these little habbos run. ok i admit i got a little bit scared when i saw rooms called "hospital" and there are a line of beds (which ppl bought for an average of 45 cents per bed) with "sick" habbos lying on them, and "workers" at the hospital pretending to cure them. but anyway, i think it's pretty fun if you can design your own lil visual chat room for you and your friends to chill in, and not get too carried away with it. maybe that night everyone stayed up until 4 AM moving furni around the room was a bit obsessive, but oh well. so yes, if you wanna check it out, see newly updated block on your left (sadly, it has replaced the mini poll, which might be back later). my habbo sn is exuberantWaWa so you can search under that name and find my room, which is named the same as my blog (yay!).

ah long blog. but also cuz long time no blog. hehe.. well i'm off to study math with my tissue box!