this isn't feudalism. let's break the social caste system already. whoever programmed that in our minds must have wanted us to have a blind spot, so that our perception of our social contacts are filtered first by this social caste system that's just all in our heads anyway. until we are able to peel away that film of prejudice from our eyes (and no, if you haven't already figured it out yet, this isn't about racism), we can't really see people for who they are. we only see an image of the neat little category they represent. a category we created for ourselves in our own minds.
i'm not saying i don't make this same mistake. i do. but i'd hope i'm making some sort of progress. i want to see people. not their categories.
6.30.2003
exuberantWaWa: i wish men were like computers
milanogirl5: hahahahahahahaha
exuberantWaWa: and you can program something
exuberantWaWa: and make them think the way you want them to think
exuberantWaWa: and you can shut them down when they get annoying
exuberantWaWa: and maybe have a screen saver to keep them busy while you're off with other computers
exuberantWaWa: and you can upgrade them!
exuberantWaWa: haha that would be shelley's utopia
exuberantWaWa: THAT would definitely make me wanna do eecs, no question
milanogirl5: lol!!!!!11
milanogirl5: hahaha
milanogirl5: that would be gREat 8-)
milanogirl5: hahahahahahahaha
exuberantWaWa: and you can program something
exuberantWaWa: and make them think the way you want them to think
exuberantWaWa: and you can shut them down when they get annoying
exuberantWaWa: and maybe have a screen saver to keep them busy while you're off with other computers
exuberantWaWa: and you can upgrade them!
exuberantWaWa: haha that would be shelley's utopia
exuberantWaWa: THAT would definitely make me wanna do eecs, no question
milanogirl5: lol!!!!!11
milanogirl5: hahaha
milanogirl5: that would be gREat 8-)
haha it's strange how i feel like sometimes there's this eerie silence in the house.. as if we all know what the other one's thinking, and The Question is just on the tip of our tongues. my mom awkwardly asked me what stage i was in, about the taiwan decision.. and i answered (in chinese, of course), i'm deciding which hemisphere of my brain i like better. if i like the right hemisphere, i will go to taiwan, if i like the left, then cal. hehe if i go back to taiwan, then no more math for me!!! :D
6.29.2003
funny how the most random things can suddenly remind you of certain poems that have made a "dent" in your mind...
Sorting Laundry
Elisavietta Ritchie
Folding clothes,
I think of folding you
into my life.
Our king-sized sheets
like tablecloths
for the banquets of giants,
pillowcases, despite so many
washings, seams still holding our dreams.
Towels patterned orange and green,
flowered pink and lavender,
gaudy, bought on sale,
reserved, we said, for the beach,
refusing, even after years,
to bleach into respectability.
So many shirts and skirts and pants
recycling week after week, head over heels
recapitulating themselves.
All those wrinkles
to be smoothed, or else
ignored; they�re in style.
Myriad uncoupled socks
which went paired into the foam
like those creatures in the ark.
And what�s shrunk
is tough to discard
even for Goodwill.
In pockets, surprises:
forgotten matches,
lost screws clinking on enamel;
paper clips, whatever they held
between shiny jaws, no
dissolved or clogging the drain;
well-washed dollars, legal tender
for all debts public and private,
intact despite agitation;
and, gleaming in the maelstrom,
one bright dime,
broken necklace of good gold
you brought from Kuwait,
the strangely tailored shirt
left by a former lover. . . .
If you were to leave me,
if I were to fold
only my own clothes,
the convexes and concaves
of my blouses, panties, stockings, bras
turned upon themselves,
a mountain of unsorted wash
could not fill
the empty side of the bed.
Sorting Laundry
Elisavietta Ritchie
Folding clothes,
I think of folding you
into my life.
Our king-sized sheets
like tablecloths
for the banquets of giants,
pillowcases, despite so many
washings, seams still holding our dreams.
Towels patterned orange and green,
flowered pink and lavender,
gaudy, bought on sale,
reserved, we said, for the beach,
refusing, even after years,
to bleach into respectability.
So many shirts and skirts and pants
recycling week after week, head over heels
recapitulating themselves.
All those wrinkles
to be smoothed, or else
ignored; they�re in style.
Myriad uncoupled socks
which went paired into the foam
like those creatures in the ark.
And what�s shrunk
is tough to discard
even for Goodwill.
In pockets, surprises:
forgotten matches,
lost screws clinking on enamel;
paper clips, whatever they held
between shiny jaws, no
dissolved or clogging the drain;
well-washed dollars, legal tender
for all debts public and private,
intact despite agitation;
and, gleaming in the maelstrom,
one bright dime,
broken necklace of good gold
you brought from Kuwait,
the strangely tailored shirt
left by a former lover. . . .
If you were to leave me,
if I were to fold
only my own clothes,
the convexes and concaves
of my blouses, panties, stockings, bras
turned upon themselves,
a mountain of unsorted wash
could not fill
the empty side of the bed.
oh my gosh!!! guess who got a xanga?
DENNIS!!! >:O the last person on earth to even read xangas, let alone make one. and he didn't even TELL me, i had to read it from his profile. everyone go and make angry faces on his xanga for his not using blogger, which is infinitely superior to xangas.
DENNIS!!! >:O the last person on earth to even read xangas, let alone make one. and he didn't even TELL me, i had to read it from his profile. everyone go and make angry faces on his xanga for his not using blogger, which is infinitely superior to xangas.
6.27.2003
chrissy wrote on her blog that she realized how much she changed by looking at her old archived blogs. so i looked at her archives too. and then i started looking at my archives. guess what i came across.. here is my post on July 8, 2002, pasted here:
isn't that strange?? i mean.. the way my thought process worked. yes it is true that i definitely want to go back to those things, back to taiwan, my homeland, my roots, my mothership, whatever the heck you wanna call it. but i can just as easily write something like that about tino. but then again, of course my college decision shouldn't be based on petty little details like that.. but i'm so confused. those "petty little details" and "minor characters," aren't they what makes the plot of life interesting?
ah.. a nostalgic moment. it's summer.. time for vacations. if i could choose to be anywhere in the world right now, i would, as always, choose taipei. how could i ever forget such a place...
..where the perfectly colored fake grass feels prickly against your skin
..where the only time you'll see so many neighbors together is when the garbage truck plays the tune "fur elise"
..where every 7-11 sells tea leaf eggs
..where it's not surprising to buy pearl milk tea for 50 cents
..where "the party's only begun" at 12 AM
..where the closest you can get to breathing clean air is if you drove up to a mountain
..where it's common to have to go through four different keys in order to get inside your tiny apartment, right across the laundromat with that scary looking guy staring at you all the time
..where the "mayonaise" is translucent!
..where people parallel park by bumping a little bit into the car in front and behind them
..where you fall asleep to the sounds of motorcycles zooming by down below
..where people express their height in centimeters, weight in kilograms, and the temperature in celsius, and no one finds it odd
..where father's day is on august 8th, becuz it's pronounced ba-ba jie
..where you can catch lively creatures such as cockroaches and mice on these sticky boards you put in your kitchen, and you can poke them and they squirm
..where people know what you're talking about when you say you play the electone
..where food served in dingy little stands on the street can taste sooooo much better than that served in a fancy restaurant
..where every girls' socks have cute lil designs on them (do they even SELL plain white socks??)
..where i can walk the streets and remember details about what i used to do or say or feel in a certain place.. who i used to be with.. what secrets i kept after all these years.. where the boy who had a crush on me followed me all the way home that afternoon.. the breakfast i could ALWAYS wake up to.. the shopping malls where i used to throw temper tantrums becuz i couldn't get something.. the lady in the market who always sold us yiang-le-duo.. the people my mom always haggled with.. ah.. so many memories.. and they say i won't go back to taiwan for college? who knows...
but if you're reading this, i'm so glad i moved here, becuz i met you!! ^_^
isn't that strange?? i mean.. the way my thought process worked. yes it is true that i definitely want to go back to those things, back to taiwan, my homeland, my roots, my mothership, whatever the heck you wanna call it. but i can just as easily write something like that about tino. but then again, of course my college decision shouldn't be based on petty little details like that.. but i'm so confused. those "petty little details" and "minor characters," aren't they what makes the plot of life interesting?
6.26.2003
oh my gosh!! they made new templates!! XD but the old ones are no longer there, so those of you with old blogger templates - they have become rares!! hehe :D most of them are pretty ugly but i like the sand dollar and herbert. go look, if you haven't already, and you'll see what i'm talking about.
that was the begininng of Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D.H. Lawrence, and it completely seized me. i went on reading and as of now, am only 28 pages into the book, but already in love with it. i'll probably be updating the blog more as i read along. hehe.
Ours is essentially a tragic age, so we refuse to take it tragically. The cataclysm has happened, we are among the ruins, we start to build up new little habitats, to have new little hopes. It is rather hard work: there is now no smooth road into the future: but we go round, or scramble over the obstacles. We've got to live, no matter how many skies have fallen.
that was the begininng of Lady Chatterley's Lover, by D.H. Lawrence, and it completely seized me. i went on reading and as of now, am only 28 pages into the book, but already in love with it. i'll probably be updating the blog more as i read along. hehe.
ahh!! o.O new version of blogger.. how very strange.. this better be good! >:O
why are there such things as majors?? now why can't they accommodate people like me who are mediocre at all subjects? well-rounded as they like to call it? making people major in something during college is just good for people who already know what they are good at a particular subject or like to do it.. but what about people like me?!
if it were up to me to decide, i would invent something like clusters. instead of having to choose a major, you can choose a cluster, and focus on all subjects within that cluster. so you can have one general cluster like Art, and study all subjects having to do with art such as painting, music, graphic design, etc. and you can have a cluster of social studies, where you'd study politics, history, sociology, stuff like that. that way, people like me can learn about a whole bunch of stuff we like without having to give up other subjects or work our butts off to get double majors or minors.
so obviously there are many flaws in this system. one of them is that a jack-of-all-trades is impractical and unconventional in this efficient, industrious world where everyone needs to be an expert on something so they can put food on table. i suppose that the best way to solve that problem is for people who chose to "cluster" in something (as opposed to majoring in something) to eventually go on to graduate school to specialize in a field, so that they would have a good money-making tool. and if you don't really care about money, hey then it's ok right? but only a few of us can completely disregard the subject of moolah when it comes to choosing majors. or clusters, in my world.
alright fine. so the conclusion is that clusters wouldn't really work out because everyone (me included) likes to spend $$$. and once again the world is back in equilibrium, every man for himself, the whole "by pursuing our own interests we keep the economy running" or trade (selfishness, really, because if you were mother theresa you'd just donate and not trade) benefits all parties involved. yeah break out the david ricardo-ism.
makes me wish i were lopsided.
why are there such things as majors?? now why can't they accommodate people like me who are mediocre at all subjects? well-rounded as they like to call it? making people major in something during college is just good for people who already know what they are good at a particular subject or like to do it.. but what about people like me?!
if it were up to me to decide, i would invent something like clusters. instead of having to choose a major, you can choose a cluster, and focus on all subjects within that cluster. so you can have one general cluster like Art, and study all subjects having to do with art such as painting, music, graphic design, etc. and you can have a cluster of social studies, where you'd study politics, history, sociology, stuff like that. that way, people like me can learn about a whole bunch of stuff we like without having to give up other subjects or work our butts off to get double majors or minors.
so obviously there are many flaws in this system. one of them is that a jack-of-all-trades is impractical and unconventional in this efficient, industrious world where everyone needs to be an expert on something so they can put food on table. i suppose that the best way to solve that problem is for people who chose to "cluster" in something (as opposed to majoring in something) to eventually go on to graduate school to specialize in a field, so that they would have a good money-making tool. and if you don't really care about money, hey then it's ok right? but only a few of us can completely disregard the subject of moolah when it comes to choosing majors. or clusters, in my world.
alright fine. so the conclusion is that clusters wouldn't really work out because everyone (me included) likes to spend $$$. and once again the world is back in equilibrium, every man for himself, the whole "by pursuing our own interests we keep the economy running" or trade (selfishness, really, because if you were mother theresa you'd just donate and not trade) benefits all parties involved. yeah break out the david ricardo-ism.
makes me wish i were lopsided.
6.25.2003
so.
i got in! yay. got in what? japanese. yay? no yay? haha that is up to me to decide i guess.. my parents were dumbfounded by this decision.. i kinda thought something like this was going to happen, because getting into NTU but not into the major that i really wanted was the middle ground, and knowing shelley, she always gets the middle ground. so while contemplating whether or not it was easy to switch into another major, we were also thinking about the possibilities of me graduating with a degree in japanese. and then we also thought about how to get into graduate school.. and then what if i had gotten into a lesser quality taiwanese college? and maybe the salary is higher if i graduated from berkeley? and what if i were to cancel but not withdraw from berkeley, that way i'd still be able to come back? and what if i worked my butt off to try to get into haas instead of doing eecs? then alllll these questions started popping up and i got a huge headache. >_<
one thing is for sure. a big thank you to those who stayed up with me to find out my decision and was then rudely ignored by shelley despite their anxious IM's (sorry i was a bit shocked and overwhelmed with parents and my sister called from taiwan and a million IM screens popped up).. i feel so cared for!! i love you guys!! :D
if you're wondering how the heck i got the japanese major, then i should probably go into a bit of explanation about the way college application works in taiwan. when it comes to choosing schools/majors, you have a list of priority choices. back in the days when it was all about the entrance exam, the higher your score was, the more likely you got into your top choices. and of course, the more popular a school/major, the higher the required score. now, i put down japanese as one of those "whack majors" (sorry! no offense to the japanese language or people..) that i could probably tolerate if i got into NTU. it was probably about my sixth choice i think? my first four were all business-related, the first one being intl. business. so if i had gotten one choice down, it might not have been NTU, but maybe the second or third best university, which i wouldn't have gone back to tw for.
so what does this mean?? well i was talking to thomas about this after i found out, and let me paste again his exact words..
Thomasy00: you know what's really interesting, all this time you thought today, at 1:30, you'd get a clear cut answer to your future: yes you'll go back for sure, no you won't
Thomasy00: but now, we get this . . .
Thomasy00: isn't this great :-)
which described exactly what i felt... so i guess what i said today after the mah-jong game wasn't true. this result didn't decide my life after all, it still gave me room to make my own choices.. whether or not i want to go back, change majors, stay with japanese and see what happens, work my butt off in berkeley.. maybe even if i want to get a "nerdy" husband or a fobbish husband!! haha.. whatever it is though, i should decide soon. what is it with me and these "whack" majors?! first i put down eecs just for the heck of it, because i didn't think i'd want to go to berkeley. then i get japanese which was also one of my back-up majors for NTU? >_< i'm destined to stay away from business!!! *cry* maybe it's just life's way of showing me that i'm not always going to be in control, and that a twist toward the unexpected might even be good for me. like exercising or something. why didn't you guys tell me to exercise earlier!! haha j/k..
thanks you guys for encouraging me and your valuable inputs (chrissy w/ her japanese market no room for women theory!).. yes i take great comfort in always being charlton's favorite concubine (HA!). XD i'm really tired now and my head is spinning so i think i shall go to sleep and end this horribly long blog entry. g'night!
p.s. for those who are as weird as me and get a crazy high off of seeing my name under the list of people going to NTU, go to http://www.overseas.ncnu.edu.tw/92_3.htm. hehe :D oh yeah! i should also mention that only three other people from the U.S. got into NTU, which is a good thing i think! haha i feel special.. even though i don't know how many applied. oh and only one space was reserved for NTU's japanese major. :D
i got in! yay. got in what? japanese. yay? no yay? haha that is up to me to decide i guess.. my parents were dumbfounded by this decision.. i kinda thought something like this was going to happen, because getting into NTU but not into the major that i really wanted was the middle ground, and knowing shelley, she always gets the middle ground. so while contemplating whether or not it was easy to switch into another major, we were also thinking about the possibilities of me graduating with a degree in japanese. and then we also thought about how to get into graduate school.. and then what if i had gotten into a lesser quality taiwanese college? and maybe the salary is higher if i graduated from berkeley? and what if i were to cancel but not withdraw from berkeley, that way i'd still be able to come back? and what if i worked my butt off to try to get into haas instead of doing eecs? then alllll these questions started popping up and i got a huge headache. >_<
one thing is for sure. a big thank you to those who stayed up with me to find out my decision and was then rudely ignored by shelley despite their anxious IM's (sorry i was a bit shocked and overwhelmed with parents and my sister called from taiwan and a million IM screens popped up).. i feel so cared for!! i love you guys!! :D
if you're wondering how the heck i got the japanese major, then i should probably go into a bit of explanation about the way college application works in taiwan. when it comes to choosing schools/majors, you have a list of priority choices. back in the days when it was all about the entrance exam, the higher your score was, the more likely you got into your top choices. and of course, the more popular a school/major, the higher the required score. now, i put down japanese as one of those "whack majors" (sorry! no offense to the japanese language or people..) that i could probably tolerate if i got into NTU. it was probably about my sixth choice i think? my first four were all business-related, the first one being intl. business. so if i had gotten one choice down, it might not have been NTU, but maybe the second or third best university, which i wouldn't have gone back to tw for.
so what does this mean?? well i was talking to thomas about this after i found out, and let me paste again his exact words..
Thomasy00: you know what's really interesting, all this time you thought today, at 1:30, you'd get a clear cut answer to your future: yes you'll go back for sure, no you won't
Thomasy00: but now, we get this . . .
Thomasy00: isn't this great :-)
which described exactly what i felt... so i guess what i said today after the mah-jong game wasn't true. this result didn't decide my life after all, it still gave me room to make my own choices.. whether or not i want to go back, change majors, stay with japanese and see what happens, work my butt off in berkeley.. maybe even if i want to get a "nerdy" husband or a fobbish husband!! haha.. whatever it is though, i should decide soon. what is it with me and these "whack" majors?! first i put down eecs just for the heck of it, because i didn't think i'd want to go to berkeley. then i get japanese which was also one of my back-up majors for NTU? >_< i'm destined to stay away from business!!! *cry* maybe it's just life's way of showing me that i'm not always going to be in control, and that a twist toward the unexpected might even be good for me. like exercising or something. why didn't you guys tell me to exercise earlier!! haha j/k..
thanks you guys for encouraging me and your valuable inputs (chrissy w/ her japanese market no room for women theory!).. yes i take great comfort in always being charlton's favorite concubine (HA!). XD i'm really tired now and my head is spinning so i think i shall go to sleep and end this horribly long blog entry. g'night!
p.s. for those who are as weird as me and get a crazy high off of seeing my name under the list of people going to NTU, go to http://www.overseas.ncnu.edu.tw/92_3.htm. hehe :D oh yeah! i should also mention that only three other people from the U.S. got into NTU, which is a good thing i think! haha i feel special.. even though i don't know how many applied. oh and only one space was reserved for NTU's japanese major. :D
6.24.2003
6.23.2003
ok so it seems like EVERYONE is making lists nowadays. lists of things to do, goals for the summer, ideas for outings, etc. so guess what?! I'M making a list too!! muahahaha.. here is my List of Things to Achieve Before I Leave (for Berkeley or tw):
- lose stomach fat (already in progress! :D )
- get my dad to watch less TV everyday
- have deep profound conversations with my mom (hehe)
- make concrete plans and organized calendar of events with hex buddies!
- find some sort of order in my room, or make one
- make smoothies
- give smoothies to angela
- go to great america at least once
- learn to swim better
- buy bikinis with chrissy
- do that matrix thing with kafung
- write
- read books that i would have read for my anthology, which i disappointed myself with
- review C, especially recursions
- when will i give james back his ps1?
- remember to get my school records!!!
- have "fun" with shaving cream :P
- learn to cook more than just dumplings
- run
- play piano again
- an hour of aerobics everyday (check!)
- sing in the shower
- eat a lot of fatty safeway cupcakes XD
- wear the scandalous pink & black vs thong for tangy *wink* hehe
- go on a cruise and not argue about it
- go star-gazing with kaka
- sing
- make personalized gifts for people before i leave
- drive around spontaneously and scare the heck out of old ladies in their cadillacs (did it today)
- watch movies the day they come out
- learn to be more forthcoming and sincere, cut out superficiality
- have fun!!!!! :D
- lose stomach fat (already in progress! :D )
- get my dad to watch less TV everyday
- have deep profound conversations with my mom (hehe)
- make concrete plans and organized calendar of events with hex buddies!
- find some sort of order in my room, or make one
- make smoothies
- give smoothies to angela
- go to great america at least once
- learn to swim better
- buy bikinis with chrissy
- do that matrix thing with kafung
- write
- read books that i would have read for my anthology, which i disappointed myself with
- review C, especially recursions
- when will i give james back his ps1?
- remember to get my school records!!!
- have "fun" with shaving cream :P
- learn to cook more than just dumplings
- run
- play piano again
- an hour of aerobics everyday (check!)
- sing in the shower
- eat a lot of fatty safeway cupcakes XD
- wear the scandalous pink & black vs thong for tangy *wink* hehe
- go on a cruise and not argue about it
- go star-gazing with kaka
- sing
- make personalized gifts for people before i leave
- drive around spontaneously and scare the heck out of old ladies in their cadillacs (did it today)
- watch movies the day they come out
- learn to be more forthcoming and sincere, cut out superficiality
- have fun!!!!! :D
6.22.2003
written at 2:56 am
recently, i've been repressing sad thoughts.. unnecessary drama is definitely NOT welcome, but sad thoughts are
unavoidable. i just can't believe that i will be finding out yet ANOTHER life-changing decision in what, three,
four days?
today when my mom was parking the car, she said that in the past couple of weeks, it's felt like we were
waiting for something. waiting for something to happen. waiting for admission officers to reach their
verdict. waiting for a decision to be made. waiting for an annoucement. a list. a definite.
but exactly WHAT are we waiting for? if i am to go to berkeley no matter if i get in or not, then why are we
waiting? so i guess this means i will go if the answer is yes? but no, that isn't what it means.. and why can
i not make up my mind before i hear whether or not i'm in? and why is it that everyone else gets to know exactly
what they are going to be doing, where they are going to be in two months.. but all my decisions are still up in
the air? aren't asians fast and efficient? can't they make up their stupid decisions just a tad bit earlier?!
but instead, they take their time. they don't even have that many applications to review and they take their
time.
i wonder if it has ever occured to them that while they are sitting at their desks, calmly sipping their tea,
browsing anonymous applications, that there are REAL students like me behind those nondescript forms, black
words, lines, dots, printed on sheets of white letter-sized pages... that there are people like me who, when
sitting next to a friend, looking up at the stars at night, pretending to be calm and "cool" about it all, don't
even know whether or not she will be in the same continent in a couple of months.. don't even know if she will
ever sit like this with the person next to her.. don't even know if she can cling on to her memories
of.. of... of voices. of the smell.. of the way it tastes.. of the way the car seats felt.. of the way he
struts when he walks.. of the way she squealed sometimes when she laughed.. of their indecision.. of being
toasted by the sun while lying down on the top of the dome at wilson park...
i don't even know if i'll still have you.
they played a big joke on shelley again. but this time, she's laughing with them.
recently, i've been repressing sad thoughts.. unnecessary drama is definitely NOT welcome, but sad thoughts are
unavoidable. i just can't believe that i will be finding out yet ANOTHER life-changing decision in what, three,
four days?
today when my mom was parking the car, she said that in the past couple of weeks, it's felt like we were
waiting for something. waiting for something to happen. waiting for admission officers to reach their
verdict. waiting for a decision to be made. waiting for an annoucement. a list. a definite.
but exactly WHAT are we waiting for? if i am to go to berkeley no matter if i get in or not, then why are we
waiting? so i guess this means i will go if the answer is yes? but no, that isn't what it means.. and why can
i not make up my mind before i hear whether or not i'm in? and why is it that everyone else gets to know exactly
what they are going to be doing, where they are going to be in two months.. but all my decisions are still up in
the air? aren't asians fast and efficient? can't they make up their stupid decisions just a tad bit earlier?!
but instead, they take their time. they don't even have that many applications to review and they take their
time.
i wonder if it has ever occured to them that while they are sitting at their desks, calmly sipping their tea,
browsing anonymous applications, that there are REAL students like me behind those nondescript forms, black
words, lines, dots, printed on sheets of white letter-sized pages... that there are people like me who, when
sitting next to a friend, looking up at the stars at night, pretending to be calm and "cool" about it all, don't
even know whether or not she will be in the same continent in a couple of months.. don't even know if she will
ever sit like this with the person next to her.. don't even know if she can cling on to her memories
of.. of... of voices. of the smell.. of the way it tastes.. of the way the car seats felt.. of the way he
struts when he walks.. of the way she squealed sometimes when she laughed.. of their indecision.. of being
toasted by the sun while lying down on the top of the dome at wilson park...
i don't even know if i'll still have you.
they played a big joke on shelley again. but this time, she's laughing with them.
6.20.2003
oh my gosh!! senior year has taught me to dread report card days, but muahahhahaha!! i got an A in lit, isn't that awesome?! annnnnd i got an A in leadership (very unexpected). and i knew about the A in econ. so it turned out that i DID have that B average after all.. (two C's, in bio ap and calc, and YES I PASSED CALC!)
wheee~~~ how did i get an A in lit?? hmm maybe it's that 10% participation grade that we all forgot about.. very strange very strange.
haha and to think that a year ago these kind of grades would have made me cry for like three whole days straight and not come out of my room forever. ah funny.
wheee~~~ how did i get an A in lit?? hmm maybe it's that 10% participation grade that we all forgot about.. very strange very strange.
haha and to think that a year ago these kind of grades would have made me cry for like three whole days straight and not come out of my room forever. ah funny.
6.19.2003
oh yeah as i was reading in barnes today, i finally realized that the part about "watching shadows on my wall" in the unwell lyrics by matchbox 20 was about plato!! the analogy about the people in the caves watching shadows on their wall, and when one person managed to escape imprisonment and see the outside world with REAL images and ran back to tell his friends in the caves, they refused to listen to him and stubbornly clung on to the belief that the shadowy puppet show they see is reality. isn't that cool?! :D discovering allusions all by myself. hehe
what's better - pursuing your passion or trying new things to expand your horizon?
i guess after attending calso, i gave some thought (not that much actually) to where exactly my abilities lie. it's the whole routine "what am i good at" question that we're supposed to have thoroughly thought about when making plans for college, etc. but as much as i wished, i've never been a lopsided person..
i guess at this point it's not all that important to figure out the answer. the answer, if not impossible to find, doesn't really matter because i plan to just try out new things in college anyway.. like greek mythology or scandinavian studies or something. but then i also realize that i'm going to really care about how i do in my technicals, knowing me. i mean, if it matters (unlike classes in senior year, heh), then i'd feel all squirmy and irritated if there is something that i just don't understand. so would i dive head-first into this field and agonize over solutions until i get them??
from my experiences in the past, i know that if it's something important and i realize i knew nothing, i just wouldn't rest until i get it. like the classes thing. chrissy knows. after that horrible phone conversation i stayed up until 5 am "educating myself" about requirements and trying to figure out the "perfect" combination of classes that would fulfill them. stupidly i developed three versions of my berkeley schedule, in the end using one completely different from all the rest. it's this neurotic perfectionism that caused my shock at those who just started flipping through the schedule of classes during their degree requirements session at calso. shelley, why can't you just take it easy. it's the last few months you have for hardcore wholesome teenage fun.
i realize i sort of digressed from the topic of passion vs. breadth. so the connection is that i hope, whether or not eecs is really for me, that i will be able to put in as much effort as i have in the years before senior year. but i know eecs is not my passion. so should we put in effort only to the subject we are passionate about, or to the subject we wish to be passionate about? and what about other things? suppose programming isn't really what i should be doing after all?
but i feel this urge to break what someone once said to me, "you're pretty. pretty girls shouldn't do programming." and i suppose doing something just because other people tell you to is just as bad as NOT doing something just because people tell you to. seeing as how programming fits both of those and i'm stuck in this limbo world of passive indecisiveness, i ask, what to do??
i guess after attending calso, i gave some thought (not that much actually) to where exactly my abilities lie. it's the whole routine "what am i good at" question that we're supposed to have thoroughly thought about when making plans for college, etc. but as much as i wished, i've never been a lopsided person..
i guess at this point it's not all that important to figure out the answer. the answer, if not impossible to find, doesn't really matter because i plan to just try out new things in college anyway.. like greek mythology or scandinavian studies or something. but then i also realize that i'm going to really care about how i do in my technicals, knowing me. i mean, if it matters (unlike classes in senior year, heh), then i'd feel all squirmy and irritated if there is something that i just don't understand. so would i dive head-first into this field and agonize over solutions until i get them??
from my experiences in the past, i know that if it's something important and i realize i knew nothing, i just wouldn't rest until i get it. like the classes thing. chrissy knows. after that horrible phone conversation i stayed up until 5 am "educating myself" about requirements and trying to figure out the "perfect" combination of classes that would fulfill them. stupidly i developed three versions of my berkeley schedule, in the end using one completely different from all the rest. it's this neurotic perfectionism that caused my shock at those who just started flipping through the schedule of classes during their degree requirements session at calso. shelley, why can't you just take it easy. it's the last few months you have for hardcore wholesome teenage fun.
i realize i sort of digressed from the topic of passion vs. breadth. so the connection is that i hope, whether or not eecs is really for me, that i will be able to put in as much effort as i have in the years before senior year. but i know eecs is not my passion. so should we put in effort only to the subject we are passionate about, or to the subject we wish to be passionate about? and what about other things? suppose programming isn't really what i should be doing after all?
but i feel this urge to break what someone once said to me, "you're pretty. pretty girls shouldn't do programming." and i suppose doing something just because other people tell you to is just as bad as NOT doing something just because people tell you to. seeing as how programming fits both of those and i'm stuck in this limbo world of passive indecisiveness, i ask, what to do??
6.18.2003
went running today around the neighborhood and then to wilson after being completely frustrated by the fact that i can't find ANYTHING in my room. >_< and with all three cars gone, i really couldn't go anywhere. gah i was so sick of being stuck at home for some reason!! and i haven't even been home all that much..
yeah yeah i know the hexagon (especially chrissy!) kept wanting me to go and do "physical activities" with them such as running and tennis.. hehe.. but i guess running is just something that's better done alone? for me at least.. other than the fact that i'm abnormally slow compared to most people, it's also useful to do some serious thinking while running around. it kinda gets anger out. you just run and run and you try to let the uncomfortable tightening in your lungs take the place of other things.. things you'd rather forget about.
yeah yeah i know the hexagon (especially chrissy!) kept wanting me to go and do "physical activities" with them such as running and tennis.. hehe.. but i guess running is just something that's better done alone? for me at least.. other than the fact that i'm abnormally slow compared to most people, it's also useful to do some serious thinking while running around. it kinda gets anger out. you just run and run and you try to let the uncomfortable tightening in your lungs take the place of other things.. things you'd rather forget about.
upon further investigation of NTU status... apparently they will only accept 5 people in the internl. business major into NTU. and of the regions for which they already announced their decisions, two people have already been accepted. that leaves only three more spaces for the upcoming regions, which is the one i'm in. so what does this mean? well good news for those who want me to stay in cal! er yeah guess i'm probably not gonna get in. :(
heh..heh..
heh..heh..
6.17.2003
i'm back from calso!!! haha :D i gotta admit, for an orientation, it was super fun! at first i thought it was just a normal calso, but it turned out that we were labeled as the "professional schools and colleges" group or something. so there wasn't any letters and science ppl there, it was just college of engineering, environmental design (mostly architecture), and college of chemistry. teehee.
up until now i've never SERIOUSLY felt intimidated by guys intellectually. intimidation has always come from girls because we were always the ones who were anal about getting A's or were labeled as overachievers or what not. now this is not to dis guys or call them dumber than girls or anything like that (haha reminds me of kafung's "women are inferior" statement at mcdonalds, followed by angrier statements from a cranky lady). but i guess i've always thought of girls as very very hard-working and neat and organized and on top of things, etc. but at calso all of it was turned around. when we were in our advisor groups for college of engineering, the guy told us to raise our hands if we were in eecs, and of the 15 or so ppl who raised their hands, only 2 (including me) were girls. i guess some ppl will say oh i get the "guy attention" or something like that cuz girls are rare? but that's not true.. guys just clump together and discuss things and they leave the girls out. :( well that's the academic aspects i guess.. but i find that when the ee guys talk to girls, it's usually never about ee. but when ee guys talk to ee guys, it's very often about ee. why is that????
oh yes and another interesting group dynamics observation i made was that usually in normal groups, i would see a quick "bunching" or "clique-ing" of the pretty girls. they somehow have a radar for each other and they stand and talk about "pretty girl issues" such as oh-what-a-cute-bag-you-got-there or i-just-love-your-top. (yeah sometimes i do it too and it's fun.) and you'd just stand there from afar and go, oh they're pretty but they ignore me. it's like the whole popular "in" crowd kinda deal. so the funny thing is that this time when i looked around and thought, wow that girl is pretty! then before i know it she's going up to me and saying "hi! what's your name!" and sooner or later i knew all the "pretty girls." haha i guess that's what happens when you put a group of 300 or so engineers together.. i guess i've been upgraded or something. heh i dunno. shrug.
cs jokes are funny. one guy was telling us about how he played a joke on his teacher by naming the integer variable "eggroll." get it? int eggroll? hahaha XD ok..
people were interesting. i kept on seeing look-alikes and so did wylie. oh yeah i got to stay with wylie!! hehe. anyway so one of the pretty girls was what alice would look like four years later (yeah kafung's alice). and this cool guy i met who helped me carry my breakfast plates becuz i was too dumb and clumsy and got too much food looked like simon! then there's a ben who looked like a ben (the one from cys). we also saw a hajime look-alike. i guess everyone was friendly and wanted to meet new people becuz no one really knew anyone there. hey angela remember tony? yeah he was there too. i even met again this guy i knew in fifth grade who also went to lynbrook. funky.
learned much more about classes. i'm waitlisted number 17 on a class with only 15 people!! a freshman seminar class, but they told me not to drop it becuz sometimes the prof might just accept everyone. and i'm happy that i got a comparative literature class because it fulfills so many things simultaneously. for those who know cal, it fulfills the second half of r&c, the AC requirement, my humanities requirement, AND one of the haas prereqs. i decided not to take UGBA 10 until later because they told me that was one of the most important classes for haas and i should leave it until i get better adjusted. so if i get all the classes i wanna get, my first semester classes will be: math 1B, physics 7A, CS 61A, EE 24, and comp. lit 60 AC. 17 units.
ahhh speaking of cs, i didn't know they had an entrance exam! they give you the test on the first day, and if you don't pass it they will put you in CS 3 which is a comp sci class for non-cs people!! ahhhhh!!!!!! stress on the first day. i guess that will tell me if i really belong there or not. bleh. eecs people are too smart for me. everyone's hecka hardcore and they make me feel dumb. :(
other than that, calso was pretty cool. i like how everyone was nerdy on the inside and normal-looking on the outside. hehe. oh and the band looks hecka fun. they went crazy when they asked me what instrument i played and i replied percussion. haha
up until now i've never SERIOUSLY felt intimidated by guys intellectually. intimidation has always come from girls because we were always the ones who were anal about getting A's or were labeled as overachievers or what not. now this is not to dis guys or call them dumber than girls or anything like that (haha reminds me of kafung's "women are inferior" statement at mcdonalds, followed by angrier statements from a cranky lady). but i guess i've always thought of girls as very very hard-working and neat and organized and on top of things, etc. but at calso all of it was turned around. when we were in our advisor groups for college of engineering, the guy told us to raise our hands if we were in eecs, and of the 15 or so ppl who raised their hands, only 2 (including me) were girls. i guess some ppl will say oh i get the "guy attention" or something like that cuz girls are rare? but that's not true.. guys just clump together and discuss things and they leave the girls out. :( well that's the academic aspects i guess.. but i find that when the ee guys talk to girls, it's usually never about ee. but when ee guys talk to ee guys, it's very often about ee. why is that????
oh yes and another interesting group dynamics observation i made was that usually in normal groups, i would see a quick "bunching" or "clique-ing" of the pretty girls. they somehow have a radar for each other and they stand and talk about "pretty girl issues" such as oh-what-a-cute-bag-you-got-there or i-just-love-your-top. (yeah sometimes i do it too and it's fun.) and you'd just stand there from afar and go, oh they're pretty but they ignore me. it's like the whole popular "in" crowd kinda deal. so the funny thing is that this time when i looked around and thought, wow that girl is pretty! then before i know it she's going up to me and saying "hi! what's your name!" and sooner or later i knew all the "pretty girls." haha i guess that's what happens when you put a group of 300 or so engineers together.. i guess i've been upgraded or something. heh i dunno. shrug.
cs jokes are funny. one guy was telling us about how he played a joke on his teacher by naming the integer variable "eggroll." get it? int eggroll? hahaha XD ok..
people were interesting. i kept on seeing look-alikes and so did wylie. oh yeah i got to stay with wylie!! hehe. anyway so one of the pretty girls was what alice would look like four years later (yeah kafung's alice). and this cool guy i met who helped me carry my breakfast plates becuz i was too dumb and clumsy and got too much food looked like simon! then there's a ben who looked like a ben (the one from cys). we also saw a hajime look-alike. i guess everyone was friendly and wanted to meet new people becuz no one really knew anyone there. hey angela remember tony? yeah he was there too. i even met again this guy i knew in fifth grade who also went to lynbrook. funky.
learned much more about classes. i'm waitlisted number 17 on a class with only 15 people!! a freshman seminar class, but they told me not to drop it becuz sometimes the prof might just accept everyone. and i'm happy that i got a comparative literature class because it fulfills so many things simultaneously. for those who know cal, it fulfills the second half of r&c, the AC requirement, my humanities requirement, AND one of the haas prereqs. i decided not to take UGBA 10 until later because they told me that was one of the most important classes for haas and i should leave it until i get better adjusted. so if i get all the classes i wanna get, my first semester classes will be: math 1B, physics 7A, CS 61A, EE 24, and comp. lit 60 AC. 17 units.
ahhh speaking of cs, i didn't know they had an entrance exam! they give you the test on the first day, and if you don't pass it they will put you in CS 3 which is a comp sci class for non-cs people!! ahhhhh!!!!!! stress on the first day. i guess that will tell me if i really belong there or not. bleh. eecs people are too smart for me. everyone's hecka hardcore and they make me feel dumb. :(
other than that, calso was pretty cool. i like how everyone was nerdy on the inside and normal-looking on the outside. hehe. oh and the band looks hecka fun. they went crazy when they asked me what instrument i played and i replied percussion. haha
6.10.2003
up until this point, it has never occured to me that i would be DONE with high school.
i don't know why i never really thought about it. maybe it's because i was so worried with getting stuff done like the anthology and preparing for math tests and stuff.. i thought about the beginning of college, but not the end of high school. i just finished my last test (the most important one too, in math), and as i was walking home like i used to a couple years ago, it all of a sudden dawned upon me that i'm completely, absolutely, definitely (you get the idea) DONE. finished. over.
how does THAT feel? mm.. strange.. it's almost like when i was done with junior year last year and i was driving home, and i thought to myself, wow i finished the hardest parts of high school! everything's downhill from now on! well.. little did i know that junior year for me was definitely not even close to being as hard as senior year. and adding the factor of complacency and laziness (or senioritis, as many would like to call it), my academic life was destined for doom.
well, that depends on how you define doom.
i'm still going to college, aren't i? hah. i guess the sudden change in my attitude towards school in senior year made me realize how i used to be so nervous and high-strung and nit-picky and critical and everything, was too hard on myself most of the time, and snapped too easily. heh, angela used to joke about me being an overachiever (although not speaking out of modesty, i still think i'm far from being an overachiever). i don't know why my view of the world was so.. unbalanced. egh. it must have been horrible to be my friend back in the diligent days.. haha. oh my dear friends, here i give you my thanks for putting up with my semi-perfectionism and annoyances during high school..
but i think if i do end up going to berkeley, and staying in EECS, i will work my butt off. or at least i hope i will, and i'd want to. and i would NEED to considering how impossibly difficult it will be. i'm just so glad that i have a chance to do it all.. go to college and everything, i mean. i'm so glad that my parents have enough money to let me go to college and that i have friends who will go to the same college as me (maybe) and that there have been countless people along my college-prep path who helped me through it all. ahhhh NOW it's getting mushy. at the same time, i'm so sad and so glad that it's all over. i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels this way. :)
"the tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawn-mower." isn't that right angie? (if you ever read this, since you never read blogs!!) OVERACHIEVER!!! :D haha
heh in a way, this is kind of like the season finale of shelley's life. tune in next season for "shelley goes off to college." XD
i don't know why i never really thought about it. maybe it's because i was so worried with getting stuff done like the anthology and preparing for math tests and stuff.. i thought about the beginning of college, but not the end of high school. i just finished my last test (the most important one too, in math), and as i was walking home like i used to a couple years ago, it all of a sudden dawned upon me that i'm completely, absolutely, definitely (you get the idea) DONE. finished. over.
how does THAT feel? mm.. strange.. it's almost like when i was done with junior year last year and i was driving home, and i thought to myself, wow i finished the hardest parts of high school! everything's downhill from now on! well.. little did i know that junior year for me was definitely not even close to being as hard as senior year. and adding the factor of complacency and laziness (or senioritis, as many would like to call it), my academic life was destined for doom.
well, that depends on how you define doom.
i'm still going to college, aren't i? hah. i guess the sudden change in my attitude towards school in senior year made me realize how i used to be so nervous and high-strung and nit-picky and critical and everything, was too hard on myself most of the time, and snapped too easily. heh, angela used to joke about me being an overachiever (although not speaking out of modesty, i still think i'm far from being an overachiever). i don't know why my view of the world was so.. unbalanced. egh. it must have been horrible to be my friend back in the diligent days.. haha. oh my dear friends, here i give you my thanks for putting up with my semi-perfectionism and annoyances during high school..
but i think if i do end up going to berkeley, and staying in EECS, i will work my butt off. or at least i hope i will, and i'd want to. and i would NEED to considering how impossibly difficult it will be. i'm just so glad that i have a chance to do it all.. go to college and everything, i mean. i'm so glad that my parents have enough money to let me go to college and that i have friends who will go to the same college as me (maybe) and that there have been countless people along my college-prep path who helped me through it all. ahhhh NOW it's getting mushy. at the same time, i'm so sad and so glad that it's all over. i'm sure i'm not the only one who feels this way. :)
"the tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawn-mower." isn't that right angie? (if you ever read this, since you never read blogs!!) OVERACHIEVER!!! :D haha
heh in a way, this is kind of like the season finale of shelley's life. tune in next season for "shelley goes off to college." XD
6.08.2003
sigh. my room looks too white. empty walls, makes you wonder where all the white paint came from..
having all the pictures around me reminded me that i was not alone.. they inspired me and was, many times, the source of my creativity. boosted my confidence when i lost pride.. reminded me of what i had achieved and what i must go on to achieve. i loved the feeling of being surrounded by smiling faces of people i loved and laughed with and hugged and had late-night discussions with.. not that the pictures will be thrown away or anything, but for a while i will have to be faced by the harsh reality of an endless white around me. how convenient for the painters. how sell-able. how impersonal. did shelley once live here? well it won't matter to the next person who lives in this room i guess.
each tiny hole in the wall came from a thumbtack that held the precious picture so securely, filling the blankness that used to be my life when i first got here.. each new picture was like each new territory that i conquered.. proving to myself that i can stay here in america and make THIS place my root, unlike other members of my family, who never really completely adjusted to the life here.. in a way, it was cruel of me to turn my face away from taiwan and toward being "americanized." but i guess, like chihiro in "spirited away," i could not have successfully reached the other end of my journey if i turned back.
there is such a fine line between ruthlessness (word?) and courage.
i had a birthday party in taiwan when i turned nine. we took a picture of all the little girls, still in their red and white checkered uniforms, cheerfully gathered around the birthday cake. fobbish victory signs everywhere. then the airplane took off. nine years later, i'm looking at a photograph of semi-rowdy teens crushing the poor couch beneath them, a row of smiling hexagon members and, lying across their legs, the face of a girl smiling back at me. she was familiar yet strange at the same time.. it was hard to believe that the girl in this picture is the same girl in another birthday party picture nine years ago. the same girl? or different ones?
having all the pictures around me reminded me that i was not alone.. they inspired me and was, many times, the source of my creativity. boosted my confidence when i lost pride.. reminded me of what i had achieved and what i must go on to achieve. i loved the feeling of being surrounded by smiling faces of people i loved and laughed with and hugged and had late-night discussions with.. not that the pictures will be thrown away or anything, but for a while i will have to be faced by the harsh reality of an endless white around me. how convenient for the painters. how sell-able. how impersonal. did shelley once live here? well it won't matter to the next person who lives in this room i guess.
each tiny hole in the wall came from a thumbtack that held the precious picture so securely, filling the blankness that used to be my life when i first got here.. each new picture was like each new territory that i conquered.. proving to myself that i can stay here in america and make THIS place my root, unlike other members of my family, who never really completely adjusted to the life here.. in a way, it was cruel of me to turn my face away from taiwan and toward being "americanized." but i guess, like chihiro in "spirited away," i could not have successfully reached the other end of my journey if i turned back.
there is such a fine line between ruthlessness (word?) and courage.
i had a birthday party in taiwan when i turned nine. we took a picture of all the little girls, still in their red and white checkered uniforms, cheerfully gathered around the birthday cake. fobbish victory signs everywhere. then the airplane took off. nine years later, i'm looking at a photograph of semi-rowdy teens crushing the poor couch beneath them, a row of smiling hexagon members and, lying across their legs, the face of a girl smiling back at me. she was familiar yet strange at the same time.. it was hard to believe that the girl in this picture is the same girl in another birthday party picture nine years ago. the same girl? or different ones?
6.07.2003
good news! current canker sore count: 1!!!! :D it should be gone by tomorow.
so we're still garage sale-ing as of now.. we dug out a whole bunch of my old toys.. i found so many cool things! like we used to play with play-dough (sp?) a lot, so we had these machines where you can make flowers out of the clay and put them in a flower basket. and i had sooooooo many toy cars! i loved playing with the towing trucks and ambulances and red sports cars and such.. oh oh and i found my polly pockets! all five of them. haha yes i used to be such a spoiled child.. in case you don't know, polly pockets are basically very miniature doll houses encased within a small container that you can carry around in your pockets. and yes, i had five of them (a house, restaurant, school, palace, and wedding chapel). hehe XD and of course, various puzzles and such.. some were passed down from my sisters. but i had wayyyy too many toys..
i keep falling asleep when i'm reading lolita at home. this annoys me. i think i shall be visiting starbucks again.
i like our yearbook. there is a strange picture of me which i discovered starting on the second page of the index of names. i look like i'm... uh basking the sunlight? yawning? stretching? hmm but i was wearing my tino crew t-shirt. oh well. and everyone looks very beautiful and/or handsome in their senior portraits!! ^_^ i look like tiffany! hahaha it took a while for me to realize that was my own picture.
so we're still garage sale-ing as of now.. we dug out a whole bunch of my old toys.. i found so many cool things! like we used to play with play-dough (sp?) a lot, so we had these machines where you can make flowers out of the clay and put them in a flower basket. and i had sooooooo many toy cars! i loved playing with the towing trucks and ambulances and red sports cars and such.. oh oh and i found my polly pockets! all five of them. haha yes i used to be such a spoiled child.. in case you don't know, polly pockets are basically very miniature doll houses encased within a small container that you can carry around in your pockets. and yes, i had five of them (a house, restaurant, school, palace, and wedding chapel). hehe XD and of course, various puzzles and such.. some were passed down from my sisters. but i had wayyyy too many toys..
i keep falling asleep when i'm reading lolita at home. this annoys me. i think i shall be visiting starbucks again.
i like our yearbook. there is a strange picture of me which i discovered starting on the second page of the index of names. i look like i'm... uh basking the sunlight? yawning? stretching? hmm but i was wearing my tino crew t-shirt. oh well. and everyone looks very beautiful and/or handsome in their senior portraits!! ^_^ i look like tiffany! hahaha it took a while for me to realize that was my own picture.
6.06.2003
6.05.2003
COME TO OUR GARAGE SALE ON SATURDAY!!!!
ah ok... lolita is a very interesting book. only 50 or so pages into it and it's.. interesting. :D i think for prose i'm gonna use madame bovary, streetcar named desire, lolita, and this short monologue. for poems? not sure yet but got books on poetry and that "living in sin" poem we read in class a while back... mm.. for non-fiction got two essays that i skimmed through and sorta liked. my, my, bertrand russell is an interesting guy.. must find out more about him. oh what else? oh yeah self-expression piece.. >_< aiya completely forgot about that part when i chose my topic. grrr.
i think honesty is a very important virtue. don't ya think? yes, i think so too.
oh and i need to find some way to remind myself about.. that thing. must adjust accordingly. ^_^
current canker sore count: 3!!!
i'm so excited. on the way to less and less painful meals!! hehehe
ah ok... lolita is a very interesting book. only 50 or so pages into it and it's.. interesting. :D i think for prose i'm gonna use madame bovary, streetcar named desire, lolita, and this short monologue. for poems? not sure yet but got books on poetry and that "living in sin" poem we read in class a while back... mm.. for non-fiction got two essays that i skimmed through and sorta liked. my, my, bertrand russell is an interesting guy.. must find out more about him. oh what else? oh yeah self-expression piece.. >_< aiya completely forgot about that part when i chose my topic. grrr.
i think honesty is a very important virtue. don't ya think? yes, i think so too.
oh and i need to find some way to remind myself about.. that thing. must adjust accordingly. ^_^
current canker sore count: 3!!!
i'm so excited. on the way to less and less painful meals!! hehehe
6.04.2003
6.03.2003
bare white walls. staring back at me. blank.
on a lighter note, we're having a garage sale on saturday! come one, come all! highest bidder gets shellie's bed. *ooh* (dark humor, i love it)
but seriously though, tell everyone you see! and come and buy cool stuff becuz shelley's stuff are.. well, cool. :D
on a lighter note, we're having a garage sale on saturday! come one, come all! highest bidder gets shellie's bed. *ooh* (dark humor, i love it)
but seriously though, tell everyone you see! and come and buy cool stuff becuz shelley's stuff are.. well, cool. :D
6.02.2003
6.01.2003
i lay on the top of the concrete dome at wilson park and looked up at the blue sky. jamba juice cup beside me, ae bag under my head as my pillow. i was alone. all by myself. so i looked up and listened to the birds and watched the trees sway. being there by myself.. it was as if time had stopped, and everything stopped happening.
yes, i wish things would just stop happening.
i remember reading something like this in catherine called birdy in 7th grade.. she was sitting outside the house, listening to all the sounds and trying very very hard to record them in her head, so that she could play it back whenever she needed to.. yeah, i need a tape recorder like that in my head. and i need a camcorder too. to remember what everything and everyone looked like, before it all disappears..
i accidentally saw the word document containing my mom's letter of resignation for her job as the church secretary. she thanked all those who needed to be thanked, apologized for her mistakes (which were non-existent in my mind), announced her plans for the near future, and wished everyone the best and, of course, thanked the Lord for everything. she's good at concluding things like that. i've always liked reading what she writes in chinese. it reminds me of all the things i underestimate her for.
my dad told me i have to be more careful when parking in the garage, now that there are furniture on the sides.
my mom told me not to put up any more pictures on my walls because we'll just have to take them down in a few days anyway. good thing i got photo albums for my birthday.
yesterday my mom told me that if i do decide to go to NTU, the money i save by going there will be enough for frequent plane rides back here to visit. i guess that's a good thing?
someone once told me to keep repeating the word "one" when i'm trying to meditate. i tried doing that today when i was lying like a homeless person on the toasty rock. it sorta.. gave me a weird feeling? the whole "clear your mind and find inner peace" might not be as b.s. as i thought it was after all.. i just like the feeling of pressing the "pause" button in my life. especially at this point.
banana berry tastes nasty with a vita boost in it. but i have to heal my canker sores. NOW. before i go crazy from having to eat in pain.
yes, i wish things would just stop happening.
i remember reading something like this in catherine called birdy in 7th grade.. she was sitting outside the house, listening to all the sounds and trying very very hard to record them in her head, so that she could play it back whenever she needed to.. yeah, i need a tape recorder like that in my head. and i need a camcorder too. to remember what everything and everyone looked like, before it all disappears..
i accidentally saw the word document containing my mom's letter of resignation for her job as the church secretary. she thanked all those who needed to be thanked, apologized for her mistakes (which were non-existent in my mind), announced her plans for the near future, and wished everyone the best and, of course, thanked the Lord for everything. she's good at concluding things like that. i've always liked reading what she writes in chinese. it reminds me of all the things i underestimate her for.
my dad told me i have to be more careful when parking in the garage, now that there are furniture on the sides.
my mom told me not to put up any more pictures on my walls because we'll just have to take them down in a few days anyway. good thing i got photo albums for my birthday.
yesterday my mom told me that if i do decide to go to NTU, the money i save by going there will be enough for frequent plane rides back here to visit. i guess that's a good thing?
someone once told me to keep repeating the word "one" when i'm trying to meditate. i tried doing that today when i was lying like a homeless person on the toasty rock. it sorta.. gave me a weird feeling? the whole "clear your mind and find inner peace" might not be as b.s. as i thought it was after all.. i just like the feeling of pressing the "pause" button in my life. especially at this point.
banana berry tastes nasty with a vita boost in it. but i have to heal my canker sores. NOW. before i go crazy from having to eat in pain.