as always people, don't take my results too seriously.. ^^;;



What's YOUR sexual fetish?
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How azn are u?
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AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

oh my gosh! someone linked to my website by typing in "make your own sex quizzies" in search-msn!!!! ^o^ how funny. i have no sex quizzies! hahaha..

in case any of you are wondering, i just called them. they mail decisions on tuesday the 17th, but i can also call them on the phone after 2 p.m. *sigh*

speech tourny tomorrow! gotta memorize an extremely feministic 7-minute speech.

i think that i am misled a lot. actually, correction: i mislead myself a lot. i'm always living in my own little happy world, pretending that things are the way i wish they were, but somewhere in the back of my head, i know the reality is just waiting there for me when i wake up from my dream. is it because of egotism? i'm too idealistic? refusal to accept things the way they are? fear of not achieving everything i want? and why is it that i have to make my life so achievement-based? why can't i just settle for "good enough" and have to kill myself for.. something i think is better? for me, senior year is a time of realizing my inadequacy. realizing that not only will there ALWAYS be many people who are much more talented than i am, there will be even more people who are willing to put in more time and effort doing the exact same task i am supposed to be doing. inadequacy.

but back to the dream world vs. reality bit. it doesn't only apply to academics. i have this tendency of assuming everything is fine and dandy, and leaving it like that. too afraid to think more about something for fear of disturbing the calm surface, making big unnecessary splashes in my life... too afraid to go against the norm in my life, because the norm is what has always "worked." it's comfortable. it's reassuring. it's safe. it's what everyone expects. it works.

what happens when i break out of this habit of mine? of doing things i'm supposed to do, of living the life i'm supposed to live, of being someone i'm supposed to be. i know what you're thinking.. no one is imposing any such thing on me! no one is telling me what i'm supposed to be, not even my parents! again, this is something i impose on myself. what a contradiction. i'm the one who's stopping myself from becoming what i want to become.

too afraid to be wrong. too afraid to offend someone. too afraid to seem unreliable or flighty. too afraid to be lost. too afraid to be pretentious. too afraid to become someone i think i should be, but am not. too afraid to fly. too used to leaning with other people, stuffing my head with straw..

oh yeah, if anyone is doing stanford apps on adobe acrobat (not reader, adobe acrobat), and is too lazy to create thousands of text boxes, i can send them my file with boxes already created. ^_^

saturday afternoon...

it's so strange to think about the past.. not just my own past, but other people's past as well. to think, hey that person used to be like this and that.. hey he used to be with her and now she's with HIM but didn't they used to be like this and that.. wow. our not-so-dramatic but still soap-opera-ish lives.

reality...

at one particular point in time our emotions can be so intense, they can feel so real and so.. near to us. but then a few months pass, we get caught up in other things, and soon our past becomes like a dream. like in peter pan, after the little kids grow up.. when they think about their adventures, they dismiss it as just a dream.

letting my mind wander...

interesting how you can be so close to a certain person, but the next time you know it, they've become someone you just write christmas cards to. christmas cards people. so who's to say what's real and what's not? who's to say the phrase "best friends forever" is not a lie? who's to say whether someone really means it when they say "i love you?"

forever..?

it's been said that life is like theater. the scenes go by and the play goes on. i'm not going to be cliche by going on and on about how we are the actors and actresses.. that's old. but sometimes i wonder if there is any meaning in the act we put on.. what's going to happen when the final curtain falls..?

what does "forever" mean? does it carry any weight in this day and age? is anything lasting? this reminds me of something, lemme dig it out of my binder, i'm sure y'all know what this is from:

shape without form, shade without colour
paralysed force, gesture without motion

between the idea
and the reality
between the motion
and the act
falls the shadow
for the time is the kingdom
between the conception
and the creation
between the emotion
and the response
falls the shadow
life is very long
between the desire
and the spasm
between the potency
and the existence
between the essence
and the descent
falls the shadow
for thine is the kingdom
for thine is
life is
for thine is the

:(

i hate waiting. and i realize that i haven't seriously blogged for a while, which is unlike me, becuz i always seem to have something to say about my life, huh? so lately i've been flipping coins, trying to get some kind of a sign. sounds so stupid. *half-hearted chuckle* but i feel like it all depends on something.. that something.. it's just a fantasy or an illusion that i've been living in, but soon the bubble will burst. i don't think i'll be able to function normally until that day.

*sigh* what a vague blog entry.

something essential is missing in my life. and i know what it is. and i know how to get it back. and i know what it's been doing to me lately. but.. i'm too stubborn to go and get it back.

which song describes you the best?

Which food are YOU? Find it out at Perverted-Pink.Net!

hmm.. i seem to be functioning in taiwan-time lately.. i think i actually work better this way.. come home in the afternoon, sleep until 9 or so, then get up, eat dinner, and start working (ahem, or procrastinating) until a couple hours before school starts, then go to school. it's a much better system!! this way, i'm super efficient cuz there's no distractions and there's nothing else to do at freakin 3 in the morning.. well except blog. hehehhe... the only problem with this "shellie-time-zone" is if i have stuff to do after school.. then i get super sleepy. oh and if ppl call me i don't return calls till like, 10 pm. haha (angela knows)

"Dear Stanford Applicant:

"We just wanted to let you know that we have received your application documents and your file is ready to be evaluated."

I've always thought that paying one dollar for a lottery ticket was a waste of money.

I paid $65 to apply to Stanford.

yikes.. dropped below 100.

saw this on someone's profile.. hehe check it out: http://www.cripplingdepression.com/comic.php?id=80

how's my application process...

*shelley falls onto her bed, lies on her stomach*

five minutes later...

*flip*

*stares at ceiling*

hahaha... i don't know why i all of sudden remembered this. but on tuesday during gov, when mr. eldridge passed out the white house packets, i looked at it and exclaimed, "ah! so many words!!" and he stopped walking, looked back at me incredulously, and said, "'so many words?!' i'm a little worried about your being in an ap class if you think it's so many words!" hehehhe.. eldridge is so funny.

stuck in my head...

It just takes a little bit of this
A little bit of that
It started with a kiss
Now we're up to bat
A little bit of laughs
A little bit of pain
I'm telling you, my babe
It's all in the game of love
You roll me
Control me
Console me
Please hold me
You guide me
Divide me
Into what...

*proudly* i feel like i have achieved a whole new level...! ooh this is so exciting!!

Where Did Your Soul Originate?
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"You come from the Future. Your soul came from a different time, far in the future. You're just a little bit a head of everyone else and you're constantly wondering what lies ahead."

this thanksgiving is.. different. it's the last one before a long while that i can spend with my mom, because she might not be here anymore after i go to college. if i decide to stay here, that means i would only fly back to taiwan for maybe xmas, but not thanksgiving.. so.. heh. it's strange. i dunno how to explain it.

made a big fuss out of not being able to find my transcript today. funny how when you're under stress, the littlest things can tick you off.

"just a day.. just an ordinary day.. just trying to get by..."

the dizzy spells came back... :(

i don't have my ELC number!!!! >_<

so today when i got bored with math hw, instead of staring blankly at the wall in front of my desk, i decided to make an "early bird xmas wish list." if you read my last entry, i am VERY much in the "holiday spirit" now, thanks to the last CYS rehearsal.. -__-;; i decided to post it up here, and no no not becuz i'm a spoiled brat wishing for a long list of things :D but becuz.. well like i explained to my mom, you don't want money to go to waste on something you don't like... see? i think everyone should do this. and also becuz by posting it on my blog, the list is automatically formatted into pretty blue schemes. hehe. anyway here goes:

Shellie's "early bird" Xmas Wish List
- a nice belt
- that newsies hat (in denim)
- a watch that doesn't detach from itself
- scarf (crazy stripes!!) ^_^
- Barnes & Noble gift certificates (i spend way too much money there)
- See's candy ONLY MOCHA!
- earrings maybe
- CD's (which one..?)
- CAMERA! not digital, but one you can take panaramic w/
- gift certificates in general (haha don't you wish they made those for Collegeboard? that way, you can save so much money on SAT reports! and the people who give it to you can attach a lil card saying, "good luck on your college applications!" hahaha i come up w/ the best business ideas :)
- new Jansport backpack in baby blue (i'm tired of carrying everything on one shoulder)
- new cell phone or cell cover
- i need white Etnies-like shoes...
- Abercrombie button-down pull-over sweater that i was too stingy to buy last time
- TI-89 (i'm getting really annoyed with my TI 83)
- a picture of yourself (i wanna collect more pictures of my friends! ^_^)

ladeeda.. there. haha i sound very greedy don't i? *devilish giggle* but hey, this is only xmas list draft number 1! haha j/k j/k.. ok.. i should go to sleep now. i fell asleep in 3 our of 5 classes today! >_<

CYS was interesting today.. FIRST, i finally got to meet my look-alike from associate orchestra! at the first regular rehearsal of this year, mr. eylar asked me if i had any siblings in associate. i said, "no, why?" and he told me about a girl who looks EXACTLY like me in the french horn section.. so i vowed to check it out, becuz these things have happened in the past and they NEVER look like me. so today, i arrived 10 min. before the associate rehearsal ended (surprisingly early for me), and i took a good look at that girl. and i gasped. she really DID look a lot like me! well, me in glasses.. she didn't know i was looking at her, so i was kinda being stalker-ish. i told someone how weird it was to look at someone who looked exactly like me. and they said, "ever looked in a mirror?" >_< grr..

we started playing xmas music.. it's bad for me, becuz the moment i started playing the sleigh bells, i had a sudden urge to go xmas shopping. and all of a sudden i felt like it was already xmas. a very weird experience. but the atmosphere became all.. jolly and.. giddy all of a sudden. interesting how much music can influence you. but i must not spend any money until.. well, not now.

if i had to be a pea, i'd like to be a green wrinkled one. ^_^

i've been hearing lots and lots about many ppl's parents being very very worried, even paranoid, about their kids' college stuff.. and the annoyance from their kids! it just seems funny becuz one night during dinner, i suddenly had a thought. i asked my mom, "do you know which colleges i'm applying to?" and, in her asian accent, said, "ah.. CO-LAM-BEE-YA.. HA-FORD.. umm.. MIT?" "no! i'm not applying to MIT!" i said. and her explanation for this complete lack of knowledge about my college choices was that, if she didn't know anything about it, i'd be forced to learn it myself. and that way she'd never have to bug me about things like colleges! to this, i shake my head and have invisible sweatdrops down the side of my head...

hours later.. and i'm still thinking about memento.. (don't keep on reading if you haven't watched the movie yet)

what did he mean when he told me to watch memento and "i can't trust him because of his picture?"

agh! i wanna watch that movie AGAIN! charlton, christina, and alex all thought that his wife WAS a diabetic, but that would mean that teddy WASN"T telling lies, that he was indeed who he said he was, and that Leonard was Sammy Jenkins after all, with the diabetic wife that he killed. then he made up the story of how his wife got raped and murdered by a John G. and went on looking for the murderer, making up things to believe in order to have a life and a purpose. but who knows if teddy was telling the truth? although that last scene where he said "you can be my John G." and then copied down his license plate made us believe that teddy wasn't the one who murdered Leonard's wife. see, in the beginning we were all fooled into thinking that this was just a plain detective story, told backwards in chronology. we also thought natalie helped leonard. but if what teddy said was true, then it ISN"T a plain detective story, more like A Beautiful Mind, where the character makes up everything in his life and basically lives in his own fantasy. but how can you believe a guy who might have faked being a cop and manipulated Leonard because of his "condition" into killing some guy and stealing all his money?

the people who used Leonard's condition to control him were scary. that part where Natalie was finally revealed as a backstabber, after she got beaten up by Leonard and he was trying furiously to find a pen and write down what happened, but failed. she had said to him, " we could still be friends... maybe even lovers." that made me shudder but also reminded me of some things. humans are very funny people. even though we don't have leonard's condition, we can sometimes easily forget the things people have said to us in the past and then remain friends, or even lovers. it's a sort of virtue, perhaps? or else we'd all be calculating each other's faults. forgive and forget. at least we don't have "freaky tattoos" all over our bodies reminding us each morning of who we must take revenge on. that must be very very tiring. if i were him, i'd probably never wake up.

there were some plot holes... like, if he can't create new memories and could only remember the things that happened before the incident, then how does he remember to check all the notes he has? or even to remember to take notes? he has so many pockets in his jacket, but there is no way he can remember which pocket is for what. and the various facts tattooed on his body. if you woke up one day not knowing where you are and why you're there, would you look at the tattoo that tells you to murder some guy and follow all of the facts also tattooed on your body? every morning?

"i can't remember to forget you..." interesting quote. wonder what happens after he killed teddy. if he goes back to natalie and becomes her tool for killing people, that would be very very sad.. but would he go back? or would he completely lose meaning in his life? or would he keep on hunting for another John G. like teddy said he would?

*exasperated sigh*

there. new counter. (the old one kept count but became invisible..)

wahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

You are Zhang Ziyi.
you're free and wild. you like to have fun, whether it's flying in the air,
picking fights, pretending to be a guy, or kicking ass. you like to do it all. you also have an evil side which some
ppl dislike. the only thing you've been really wanting to do is to shut chris tucker's annoying ass up!
as he would say it, "you are one crazy bitch!"

so today i came up with a shellie-term. "academic bulimia." it's where the student engages in "binge studying," meaning studying intensively over hours on end a certain night. then they go through a period of laziness and procrastination, where they wait again until there's a certain test or paper due the next day and binge studies again.

i, unfortunately, am a member of the ABA, the academically bulimic anonymous. hehe.. and hmm.. tomorrow is our math test. yikes..?

watched gilmore girls AND half an hour of smallville today. ah, the advantages to not having band practice. everything reminds me of everything! i never got to find out what happened at the end of smallville though.. that evil guy who kills the teacher becuz his 4.0 was gonna get ruined was kinda scary.. *shudder*

not much has been going on.. no one updates their blogs anymore!! *sad*

currently developing my theory of "the sullied one." updates soon, under ideal conditions.

what happened to my counter?! i need to get it back up again.. it's still counting, but it became invisible or something..!

shelley is centrally located
shelley is shocked by phone sex
shelley is dead
shelley is a modest but necessary attempt to assure a healthy classroom environment for california's school children
shelley is a registered trademark of linotype
shelley is an internet addicted physiology student who lives in new zealand with her boyfriend and three cats
shelley is available for your edutainment
shelley is approximately 3536
shelley is fully grown at about 1 year old
shelley is resting comfortably and the doctors are pleased with the results of the transplant
shelley is in love with death
shelley is indicating the struggle that exists between the control of the imagination and the control of the will over the body's actions
shelley is seriously for sale for 100
shelley is not ready to do that yet
shelley is a badass shah
shelley is the best choice
shelley is the 2
shelley is friendly
shelley is born

shelley is


www.googlism.com

STUPID.

I am Carbuncle! Rather than attacking, I help protect party members from taking damage. What Final Fantasy summon are you?
Click here to find out!
This test created by Cp's Coo Coo Planet

heh..heh.. credit card bill came today.. it was NOT good. i'm turning into an Emma!!!! then i made a promise to myself that i won't buy anything else for the remainder of this month. hah! like that's really gonna happen.. SADIES is coming up. dances are expensive! then there's all these SAT reports to be sent.. blah! and..and.. i still gotta eat, right? and there's also gas.. i REALLY need to wash my car.. speaking of which, xmas is coming up. oh my.. >_< *frowns and shakes head*

got a busy busy weekend ahead of me!! tomorrow afternoon will be devoted to sadies pj-shopping, then football game. saturday would be the lincoln band review (at least we don't have to get up THAT early this time..) then sunday is CYS concert day (oh boy, lifting timpani cases).. and finally the thanksgiving feast. so i dunno when i'm gonna have time to prep for four tests and an essay. oh and uc apps. blah! to seniors who are reading this, do you feel my pain?! whoever said JUNIOR year was the hardest.. grRR!

back to math.. i'm *almost* caught up..?

band was interesting today.. our last rehearsal..

i looked at my vibraphone, and thought about the countless times i had to haul it back and forth between the band room and the field.. all the runs and pedaling i've had to do on this instrument.. the pedal that always fell off and dragged on the ground.. the motor belt that evan used to manually turn so the vibe can produce vibrato sounds... the string that broke during a competition and had to be replaced... looked at my mallets and thought about how tommy was always complaining that he couldn't hear me because the mallets were too soft.. thought back to the days when the vibraphone player wasn't me.. when he used to strike so hard with the mallets that a whole layer of the yarn tore off..

thought about how it all got started... our little tiny practice room where a few of us would all squish in and practice there.. jaclyn's puffy hair and braces and bellset. daniel's "kick ho!" along with the motion of him kicking pam. me and thomas getting locked in the practice room by the rest of pit.. losing an early percussion director's vibe mallets.. mr. gomez's threat: "if you don't have the closer down perfectly by thursday, you're getting an F!!!!" my initial fear and then lack of appreciation for the song duelin xylos...

i looked at the muddy field today.. the field that i've stood on for how many football games? how many rehearsals? how many run-throughs? how many push-ups were done on this field.. haha.. how many pictures this field has been included in.. how many thousands of feet have marched on this grass.. how many times anxious pit crew members have set up on this field at the beginning of their show?

makes me wonder.. who will be performing on *my* vibraphone next? what hands will be holding *my* mallets? who will be watching..? am i ready to let it all go yet? i guess i have to, huh? after all, i've hogged my little area of the spotlight for four years now.. time to leave? time to move on? is there something better? haha.. *melodramatically* oh! the great unknown! what paths lie ahead of me!?

that's it. ta-da.

i guess it's back to just me and my mom again.. and back to.....?

still catching up on madame bovary.. came upon an interesting passage..

"But how could she break free? Though she felt humiliated by the base quality of such happiness, she clung to it out of habit or depravity. Each day she clung more desperately to it, thus destroying all happiness by demanding too much of it."

*in a contemplative mood*

if i learned anything today, it's that i care about what other people think WAY too much. how can you be a free and independent person if you are caught up in other people's perception of you? i've been so dependent on other people... i haven't realized it until now, but maybe sometimes, on those rare occasions, i'm better off just listening to myself.

caught the second half of top gun today on TV while eating dinner... and drooled over tom cruise in his pilot jacket. ahh... what caught my attention was that car chase, when the lady w/ the ramen-like hair chased after him and told him about his flight performance and then, "i think i've fallen for you." and he grabs her and kisses her. :D and oh oh! that song that song! the famous "take my breath away.."

Watching every motion
In this foolish lover's game
Haunted by the notion
Somewhere there's a love in flames
Turning and returning
To some secret place inside
Watching in slow motion
As you turn my way and say

Take my breath away
Take my breath away

ahh... :D *dances and whirls away*

What Element Are You?
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hmmm... it's so strange! in the past few weeks or so, i've changed so much i don't even know if i'm the same person anymore. maybe i've just had enough of it all. hah, i dunno.. gotta catch up on math, that's for sure... haven't done any math hw for 2 weeks now... christina asked me today, "you didn't do bio.. you haven't been doing math.. you didn't read madame bovary.. what have you been DOING shellie?!" ahhh... *shrug* i dunno... i feel like giving up. i'm almost touching the finish line and i'm giving up. why should i excel? i can't answer that question anymore..

we were talking about how humid it is in gov today. i love it when it's humid!! it makes my skin all soft becuz the air is like a natural moisturizer or something.. especially my cheeks!! my own hand happened to brush against my cheek today and i was like whoa!! hehe they're so.. soft and smooth and.. bouncy! >_^

i wanna go shopping...

today is my mommy's birthday! i surprised her at her office today and brought her a single rose. then i treated her to lunch. *shhh* don't tell her this, but i got her a really warm scarf from express (which was a bit expensive, i must admit) and a necklace. the necklace had a silver butterfly with lil diamonds (not real, of course) on each of its wings and a short lil silver chain hanging from it, with another tiny diamond attached. and i wrapped it all very nicely!! actually i didn't wrap, cuz i dont' like wrapping. but for the express box, they ran out of the tops, so i got two bottom parts of the box, which made it entirely black. i tied a silver ribbon around it and tucked in two pink hawaiian flowers on the box. they really stood out against the black background! hehehehe... the rose is already in a vase in front of her desk in the office...

i love my mommy. ^_^

i finally broke down in front of my mom today. she asked me, "is it really worth it?"

i nodded.

i'm touched. thanks.

it's almost become an escape from reality... like brandy... i forget about my troubles and all my worries and just indulge in that single moment, where i can pretend my world doesn't even exist.. it numbs me and allows me to let go of everything.. no inhibitions.. at that single moment, nothing else exists except for it and myself.

p.s. no, i'm not addicted to drugs.

wow.. i don't think i've ever shed tears of joy.. until tonight!

all the signs were there - the smiles on every percussionists' faces when we finished the show.. the congratulating handshake.. josh's wide grin.. when they got to the percussion awards, class B, i got soooo nervous. third place wasn't us. second place wasn't us. i was too afraid to say anything in case i'd jinx it or something.. but my heart was beating soo fast i thought i was gonna DIE. and then he said, "first place, with a score of 92 (?) .... CUPERTINO!" i think i was the first person to jump up and shriek. and then i couldn't control it, but i just started crying and crying cuz i started thinking about all the times i forced myself to get out of bed to go to practice and all the times i came home from band stressing out about a test or something due the next day... and after all that, we get a first place trophy. i'm so happy!! i don't think i've been so happy since that time i got my SAT II scores back. ah... i love our drummers! and i love pit! yay!!!!

*satisfied grin*

What Type Of Anime Character Are You?
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How Emotional Are You?
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from "Fear no more" by William Shakespeare:

Thou thy worldly task hast done,
Home art gone, and ta'en thy wages.
Golden lads and girls all must,
As chimney-sweepers come to dust.

there once was a girl. people thought she had everything. she has so much going for her, they said. her future is bright, sky is the limit. until one day, the girl who had everything started losing everything...

at first the damage was minimal. her music teachers urged her, "shelley shelley, i think you should take up percussion lessons again." but shelley was too busy for non-mandatory activities such as percussion lessons, so she let go her passion. or what came closest to her passion, at least.

then her friends tried calling her. "shelley shelley, let's go somewhere tomorrow!" but shelley was too busy for "chill" time. so she let go her friends.

her sister waited for her. "shelley shelley, when you're free, let me take you out to Miyaki!" but shelley was too busy for nice, long dinners. so she let go her sister.

sleepiness haunted her. "shelley shelley, lie down in your soft, warm bed, you're too tired..." but shelley stayed up. so she became sleep-deprived.

hunger called out to her. "shelley shelley, you need to eat something during the daytime to keep your sugar level up." but shelley rushed out the door and forgot about her meals. so she became even thinner.

her father was worried about her. "shelley shelley, you need to exercise, you're too weak!" but shelley was too busy for physical activities. so she ignored her father.

her mother was also worried about her. "shelley shelley, you seem kind of depressed lately, are you ok?" but shelley was too busy to share her troubles with her mom. so she ignored both her parents.

one day, when this girl who had everything finally lost everything, she died.

then, it was His turn. He, the Creator of heaven and earth, asked her, "shelley, have you made time for me?"

find your inner PIE @ stvlive.com

so, after my ONE time of being late, we get this email...

"Unexcused absences or more than three excused absences may result in reassignment of parts, re-seating in the section, loss of principal status, or expulsion from the orchestra. Mr. Eyler is very concerned about tardiness or leaving early and Musician's Council is checking very carefully... Any unexcused late arrival will be considered an unexcused absence."

oy...

one more thing: writing about keats' poems actually had a significant effect on me... it sounds so simple, doesn't it? that you cannot have pain without pleasure, pleasure without pain. and to experience life fully you shouldn't try to avoid melancholy. sometimes, when i think that i should not be so emotionally involved because of some hurt, and i do pull back, i realize that life isn't necessarily better for me that way. i just regret my decision becuz even though it may mean less tears, it also means less smiles and more moments of this monotonous lifestyle i have right now.. speaking of monotonous lifestyle... is it good for any invididual when their schedule goes somewhat like this: get up, skip breakfast, school, skip lunch, work, eat dinner, work work work, go to sleep for 3 hours, and get up again? ok ok so i'm exaggerating, but sometimes i do feel like a robot with dulled facial expressions and minimal passion.

all work and no play makes shellie a dull - erhm - girl. >_<

yes i'm very tired right now.. but i feel like blogging

VERY hectic day today. for those of you w/ stebbins, how was your lit papers? i heard that at around 2:55 there were a whole bunch of people running toward her classroom with papers in their hands! hehehe i can just imagine the picture..

slept for a few hours, jocelyn even came to my house to try to wake me up. first she called five times. then my mom saw her at our door and let her in and she woke me up to tell me about band hours and dress. how nice!!! ^_^ so i got to sleep for a few hours...

went to homecoming, performed, then stayed for dance. then stayed for clean-up. then angela gave me a ride home becuz i didn't drive to school becuz i didn't have my license becuz i didn't have my wallet. ah, yes.. that's what made today so interesting... i REALLY thought i lost my wallet this time.. and what's worse was that i had a very big hunch that someone TOOK it - i didn't just misplace it. i had to play vibraphone during the rally, so i dumped my backpack on the floor in some corner of the gym. BIG MISTAKE! by the time the rally ended, i picked up my backpack, which was half open, and tried to look for the rest of my things scattered about the gym floor while sophomores pushed their way around me. ahhh... i didn't realize i had lost my wallet until i had to drive to school to turn in my paper. then... frantic-ness (?) struck! so yes, i posted an away message on aim to see if anyone knew the whereabouts of my wallet.

my mom got SO MAD at me.. and she thought i didn't care.. of course i cared! the first thing that ran through my mind was cash. i knew i didn't have a lotta money in there, so i didn't worry. then, check card. i didn't want to freeze my account until i was SURE my wallet was lost. then, driver's license. that was tricky, cuz my mom won't let me drive w/o a license, which makes sense, but makes everything very very troublesome. it's a good thing i don't keep stuff w/ sentimental value in my wallet, like pictures and ticket stubs. there were some valuable gift certificates and cards though..

the wallet story is still a bit muddled, but apparently somebody (whose identity is unknown to me up to this point) found it. i dunno how mr. eldridge got his hands on the wallet, but i wasn't there so they wanted to lock the wallet up in a cabinet. then someone wanted to take a picture of it and show it to me?? i dunno! i have no idea how so many people can be involved in my wallet story. in the end, it was in christina's hands, who dropped it off just a while ago. then i checked my messages while i was away, and found that people told me all kinds of things - jennifer said "again?" jesse said "someone found it" thomas gave me a link about "what to do when you lose your wallet," but good thing i didn't need it after all. yeesh.. what a busy day...

who is this mysterious person, and how lucky i am that they're not one of those "finders keepers" people! but what's strange is why they would want to take it in the first place. did it fall out of my backpack? did they know it was my backpack? did they want to teach me a lesson for some reason? did they do it as a prank? hmm..... who are you, o wallet-burglar!! ^o^

this was quite a long rant. i am tired. i will only get 3 hours of sleep again cuz i have to do a lotta things in the morning before i have to get to school at 6:45. then come back at around 1 at night, probably will be too tired to go to church again (sigh) and then have CYS in the afternoon. hopefully i won't be late this time and have the conductor say "oh look who decided to show up" and have a million asian violin players' heads turn around and stare at me. hah.

*yawn*

this is a BAD week... spent a whole hour last night recording a short 5-minute piano thing. ARGHS! i never thought i was a perfectionist but when i KNOW there's a mistake in there, i just can't tolerate the idea of having people listen to that! so it took me such a freakin long time to record the stupid thing. alas, it is done. i am happy and proud. now i just have to make sure everything is sent out before i go to foothill.

CYS concert coming up!
Nov. 10 and 17 at 2:30 PM. it's at Flint Center in DeAnza on the 10th, and at San Mateo Center of Performing Arts on the 17th. everyone come!! for FREE tickets and more info, contact shellie. (of course, you can always buy tickets at the door, but it'll cost you 6 or 12 bucks)

and with that, i shall end tonight's lonely blog with something heartwarming. well, only if you read chinese. so i guess it only warms chinese hearts. ^_^

幸福常常就像是貓跟牠的尾巴一樣
當妳一直追求著幸福時
妳會發現自己在原地打轉
唯有妳昂首闊步的往前走
幸福才會一直跟著妳..........

tired of living a double life...

shelley, stop whining and just go do it. >_<

i dunno why i started listening to this CD again... hehe >_^ ahh.. WAY too applicable, it's scary.

他給了她一個吻
然後就害怕這個女人 對他太認真
他傷害過很多人
只因為同時愛很多人 互相平衡
他要讓她心灰意冷
才心安理得找別人 避免一場戰爭

valen hsu - their story

what happened to my archives???

eee~~ i'm happy! cuz i found out that i DON"T have to turn in my entire application with my red folder! yay!! that means i have more time to work on my essay..! but blah! i don't know how to write these essays! why am i using so many exclamation marks...

jakovina's recommendation forms are allll due in mr. eldridge's hands by tomorrow. well, technically, today now since it's 1 something am. but anyway.. all these "i have to get it done by tomorrow" things are actually really good for me! i'm getting a lotta work done before the final FINAL deadlines, which is cool. cuz i know i won't do it until i absolutely have to. heh..heh.. like i'm pretty much done w/ my stanford app except for the essay and the optional stuff like auditions, recordings, additional pages, etc. and once you get the first one done, the rest are much easier, so yay!

speaking of auditions, did i mention that i DID get my audition time? it's a good thing, and it's also a bad thing. it's good cuz i got it even though it was way past the deadline. it's bad cuz.. now i have to practice!!!! >_<

sometimes i wonder why i go to so much trouble for a school that will most likely end up rejecting me anyway.. i mean, look at all the other brilliant ppl who applied to stanford and got rejected.. am i committing too much time and effort into the whole application process?? why, it's only one of the MANY important things i will have to do in my life!! and like i was telling taeree today, even though i know how freakishly impossible it is to get into stanford, when i get my rejection letter from them, i'll still be very very sad.. cuz before they tell you the results, you still have hope. you can still say, hey i need to work hard so i get into my top-choice school, right? but once they really do reject you, it's kinda... it's.. it's like you've fought so hard in a battle and still lost..

*sigh*

hahaha... i dunno if i should put this one on the blog, but what the heck.. >_^ don't get any weird ideas ppl!



Take the What
animal best portrays your sexual appetite?? Quiz

i'm staring at the flashing banner on my blogspot, and i just realized something really cool! the flashy stuff are because there are arrows on the border, and the arrows flash alternately red and white. all the arrows travel counter-clockwise. so when you look at it, it looks like red and white arrows are all traveling counter-clockwise, when in actuality, they're just individual, unmoving arrows switching colors from red to white to red to white and so on! then i tried to make my eyes see that the arrows are actually travelling backwards, like clockwise! and it worked for a while but then my mind started making the arrows go forward again... if you guys see this banner, you should try it. haha talk about going against the flow!!!

hehehe.. to answer your question, yes i'm trying to put off writing my essay.

i hate the fact that i have to put practically everything i did in high school onto four pieces of paper. it's driving me insane. i wish i knew about the college folder thing sooner... and i hate counting the number of hours and weeks i did some activity.. i hate how every single hour i spend during high school is supposed to count. and i hate trying to remember awards that i've won, only to discover that there's only been like, two. and i regret not going to that johns hopkins summer program thing last year. and i wish i knew what to write about for my essay... ahhhhh *hyperventilating*

and i hate how i have to do this for a buncha schools while in the end, only one really counts. wah.

"but he doesn't care about you."
"why not?"
"you tell me."

bowling w/ "the guys..."

alex: ok, just throw the ball toward the middle arrow
*shelley throws the ball*
alex: noo!!! that's NOT the middle arrow!!

hehehe :D

i'm a hamster.what kinda pet are you?
quiz made by muna.

my dad ate my flan. >_<

i went through a rather depressing phase during 8th grade pondering the meaning of life. i'm sure at this point we all know how depressing that subject can get. i ended the phase with a "i can't just think about this all day, i've gotta go out and do something" and then went on to other, happier phases. for a while i thought i had found the answer - my purpose, my life, everything i do, should revolve around God.

that's not working anymore. lost in a sea of selfish ambitions? maybe... now that everything's happening so fast it's all in a blur, i'm getting even more lost because i feel all the hard work slipping away into meaninglessness. i do agree that this subject has been a bit over-discussed, if anyone has had mr. gnass, they would know what i'm talking about (10 pg. narrative?). and now what with godot and rosencrantz, i do have to admit i'm a little tired of thinking about the meaning of life. but all of a sudden i feel like the question is jumping out at me, and i have this strange impulse to drive toward the very core of it and finalize it once and for all. easier said than done. i don't think it's possible to "finalize" such things. all i know is that i'm like a rat running in the lil wheel in my lil cage. all i do is run and work and run and work, but i don't know why i'm doing it and i'm getting nowhere. if something extraordinary was to happen, like the second coming of Christ or something, my lil wheel and my lil cage would all disappear. and then what am i left with?

i know when i finish blogging i will go back to what i think is "reality." sounds a bit like the matrix but it's true. which one is real? the life which we live everyday, or something higher and truer that we have become so blind we don't even think about it anymore? i can't just dismiss it and "go back to work" or whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing anymore... i have to know what i'm doing before i keep doing it.

my mom and i got into heated discussion towards the end of dinner. it resulted in her asking me why i do what i do, and i told her because i'm ambitious. and she told me, "that's it. it's because you are selfish." we both knew she didn't say it to be mean. i never thought of myself as a selfish person, but now i know it's true, because i can't think of anything to say to her to prove her wrong. she told me that she had faith in me that i would change. i told her she believes too much in the goodness of mankind. she told me no, she just believes in me.

having too much fun...

So which letter of the alphabet matches YOUR personality, huh?

say bye-bye to the colorful clowns! (esp. the pink one who jumps out of rhythm) ^_^

I'm getting there. I don't suck, but I've got a ways to go.

yay!! go percussionists! 2nd place overall! you guys be happy, it's a good start. no more of that "i could have done better...! *frown*"

for those of you who don't know but wanna know, we took second in our division, which means we lost to foothill, but that's ok.. jamie and elliott won outstanding drum major award! hehehe.. oh and i DID end up taking medicine for my headache, for those of you who heard me say "pills are for wimps." ^^;;

i will be putting up more quizzie links, it's not completely updated yet...

1 week away from SAT I and TOB and novice IE tournament (all on the same day!)...
2 weeks away from stanford audition...
3 weeks away from spirit week...
4 weeks away from stanford e.d. app deadline...
5 weeks away from first CYS concert...
time just flies by like that... senior year!!! *sigh* the band truck person has never seen me before, and i've been in band for all four years... haha.. what have i been doing for the past three years???

currently a bit obsessed w/ OLD sugar ray songs...
someday
when my life has passed me by
i'll lay around and wonder why you were always there for me

Last time I talked to you,
you were lonely and out of place.

You were looking down on me,
lost out in space.

Laid underneath the stars,
strung out and feeling brave.

Watch the riddles glow,
watch them float away.

You're falling back to me,
the star that I can't see.
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

You're falling out of reach,
defying gravity,
I know you're out there,
somewhere out there.

Our Lady Peace ~ Somewhere Out There

barenaked ladies

yes, the mitsubishi commercial.

*cheer* i found soooo many more quizzies!! one day i'm gonna make a section of links dedicated to all my favorite online quizzies. eeee~~~ i'm supposed to be studying for bio right now but i can't resist. kaka, take the penguin one!!!

I'm a broccoli! I'm introverted but always try to be more outgoing. I'm sort of dim on the outside but inside I'm really a good person and always trying to fit in. Even though a lot of people don't like me, they really do learn to love me!

Take the Vegetable Quiz at quizlets.tk!
by Krysten!

I may look funny, but I�m one of the best penguins under the sun! Yes, that�s right, the sun! I can�t stand hanging around in freezing weather, keep it away! I�m a nice sized bird, about medium weight and height. My population is globaly increasing!

What penguin are you? find out at quizlets.tk! by Krysten!

reasons why i like jazz: it de-stresses you. it's unpredictable. it doesn't distract you from homework. it's not hard to understand. it can be background music, or you can listen carefully and take it apart and analyze cool chord progressions! saxophones are cool. trumpets are cool. BRUSH work on drumset is cool. 91.1 doesn't have commercials and the hosts have very nice, mellow voices. you can dance to it if you want, alone or w/ a partner (hehe). the lyrics are interesting, not cliche or overly-sexual like some pop songs are. and you can actually hear other parts of the drumset other than the bass & snare drum. and if you're sad, you won't get annoyed by listening to something too peppy. oh and you can listen it to sleep if you're the type to do that.

yup yup. i have infected some ppl w/ jazz already. hehehhe

nothing new even though i haven't updated in a while... still busy. still stressed out. still anti-social. i'm including college progress now just for the heck of it. deadlines are sneaking up soon!!

college progress: started basic info for Stanford early decision app, due Nov. 1... getting info for live audition oct. 19. need to get 2 rec forms ready for teachers + 1 optional for artie. download other college pdf forms.

aw...! *sniff*

bleh. dead shellie. x_X

i, too, am waiting for godot.

arghs... been so tired out lately... fell asleep in both my classes today!! and i didn't even realize how bad it was until in the middle of our lit discussion, justin asked me, "shelley are you ok?" i realized how horrible a state i must have been in. then kafung tells me his lil brother saw me walking through quad, looking "stoned." *sigh* i don't think i'm doing ok.. no, not ok at all. i drove home at lunch and immediately collapsed on my bed, then woke up at 2:55 and rushed to speech & debate meeting. my dad got mad at me cuz i didn't eat breakfast or lunch, becuz i said i had "no time." how can i not have time to eat?? everyone must have time to eat! you have to make time!!! but all this rushing around lately have definitely been bad for me. good thing i dropped my comp class.

christina told me she dropped tennis. my mom's been urging me to drop SOMEthing. like band, she says. but i can't drop anything even if i wanted to! everything i've been doing is mandatory, and if not mandatory, it's becuz without it, my life would be miserable. (like band!) right now it's not THAT bad. i mean, i'd rather be busy than idle. so i guess i can't complain, really. but... well hopefully this new "twist" in my life is a change for the better. everyone says so, don't they? i might as well take their word for it, becuz i don't know what else to believe anymore. certainly not in myself.

a very pessimistic shellie.

sometimes i really don't understand how the world works... how can something so definite, so sure, become completely opposite the next second?? what did i do to make them hate me so much, and so suddenly?? i have too many questions floating around in my head right now.. all i wanted was a true friend... but i guess it was too much to ask..

i should have been smarter than this. i should have known. now i have to learn to be strong all over again.

ahhhhh!!! everyone's complained about college apps so i'm gonna put in my own lil spiel of the day about colleges. today i got the paper app from stanford and i was looking through their calendar.. and live audition date is october 19! yikes. and i'm pretty sure i'll apply early decision. my parents are yet to be disillusioned about the fact that the chances of their asian daughter getting in stanford is next to none. wah. >_<

stanford essay: significant obejct or risk. which should i choose??? those are the only two options! and ah everything is due nov. 1!!!! this is horrible.. why do we have to be seniors?!

a very much disturbed Asian high schooler.

不 說 再 見 我 們 卻 瞭 解
分 開 了 不 代 表 會 改 變

sorri, i copied you kaka! >_^
永 遠 的 畫 面

i've always known this day would come.. hehe.. i'm just glad it ended on a semi-good note.

so tired from cys... 7 hours!! >_<

what an interesting day.. had lots of talks with parents today. first with kaka's parents, then with christina's mom, then came back and talked with my own dad. hmm... strange way of celebrating moon festival.

my parents went to my dad's cousin's house for the moon festival, but i didn't feel like going. then at around 10:30ish i got a call from xtina inviting me over for mooncakes. that was fun. her house is always very.. active! her mom is interesting too. we have arbitrarily decided for xtina that she should play the french horn or saxophone, according to her personality. :D tea was good, except i dunno if i can sleep now. hehe..

came back and my dad started a huge rant about taiwanese colleges. mom already went to sleep. he's had a bit too much to drink cuz his face and chest are all red. i notice that almost every single day, he comes up with a brand new sales pitch about going to college in taiwan. today was about how he has given me advantage over tens of thousands of taiwanese high schoolers striving to get into top schools in tw. yes i'm thankful for that. but i'm still trying to get across the point to him that i will keep all my options open, and because i also might stay here, i have to do a LOT of american college prep too!! he seems to assume that i'll follow the nice easy path he has created for me. xtina's mom thinks i should stay here. who knows.. it all depends on which colleges i get into here. funny, my parents still think i have a chance at stanford.

complete change of subject. i think it's time to refocus my life. i've been too unbalanced on the "social scale." that football game and today's conversations made me see that. i've been so.. detached from my environment! both physically and mentally. part of it has to do with how busy and stressed out i've become. like most ppl, when i get too stressed out, i become very cranky and prone to snap at people. so i just might as well not talk. perhaps i've been wrong all this time. but yes. i need to spread myself out and "give other people chances." *hint*hint* to a certain someone. haha.. pu tong peng you right? >_^

hmm... wanna get back in touch with some ppl.

why did the things that used to be so easy all of a sudden become so difficult? i think something in my brain must be disintegrating...

there are so many secrets in this world. words whispered. things done in shame. things like "hey can you imagine what so-and-so would think if he/she found out?!"

if you think about the amont of things you don't tell other people, that is probably the amount of things other people don't tell you. just the thought of this makes me shudder. why do we hide so many things from each other? i guess sometimes it's for the best. some things we're just not supposed to know about. it's better if we don't know. maybe we don't want to know.

hmm... sometimes i wish i could communicate with some people. it feels horrible to be so excluded. and it feels horrible to exclude. how did we end up like this???

drained.

some girls have the amazing ability to appear calm and collected even when inside, it's all stormy and tornado-y. i guess it's like a pot of oil. even when the oil gets really really hot, it will still look calm on the surface. it won't go gurgling and bubbling like when water boils. but if you're fooled by the serene surface of the hot oil, you will get BADLY BADLY BURNED.

why girls, you ask? pure observation. bias? of course i'm biased! but i've noticed how much easier it is for a girl to smile even when she's unhappy, than for a guy. i wonder why that is... hehe "but whyyy"

i know i do it too, but i hope i don't do it TOO often.. cuz i know some people who can see right through me. if they knew everything, they might think i'm very foolish... heh. very foolish indeed...

hmm... i guess, just like everone else, i've been a little too busy lately. but i don't know why, my entire outlook on life has been changing ever since... summer? i used to be so much more.. uptight about stuff i had to do! and yes, i still get stressed out at times, but for some reason, my lifestyle isn't so work-work-work anymore. this can be good, or it can be bad.. like i haven't even finalized my list of colleges to apply to yet! let alone start on the apps. >_<

but somehow i just know, everything will turn out alright...

i'm so glad i have all these wonderful people who care so much about me.. ^_^ they watch out for me and make sure i don't "get taken advantage of..." hehe *wink* people who care if i get sick.. people who care if i don't do my hw.. people who care if i get burnt out.. people who care if i get bored, get tired, get cold, get hungry.. hehehe.. i get a warm feeling everytime i think about that.

complete change of subject. sometimes it can be fun to go shopping with guys. they give you "guy" advice. i also noticed that there are two extreme types of male shoppers: the first is the drone. he walks around with the girl, the girl sees something interesting, and the guy gets bored and eventually ends up waiting outside or on some chair. for me, this is the worst possible scenario, becuz it's boring for the guy and the girl will feel guilty.

the second type is the slave. the slave walks around with the girl too. but when the girl sees something interesting, the guy stays around to help search for "rare sizes." :D then the girl goes to try it on, and when she comes out, the guy gives her his honest opinion. and if the girl needs other sizes, the guy goes to get it for her (and remembers where it was from too!) after they exit the shop, the guy holds all the bags for the girl. this guy is also talented enough to remember the location of the girl's favorite foods, nearest bathrooms, and where the car was parked. :P

usually guys don't act like either one of the above described. they're somewhere in the middle. if someday, however, i do find a guy who leans toward the "slave" type, i would grab on and never let go. hehe! yup yup.

ahhh ok enough blogging. should practice piano now.

angela and i were talking about this song today during our togo's trip. i really like it!


sk8ter boy
avril lavigne

He was a boy
She was a girl
Can i make it any more obvious
He was a punk
She did ballet
What more can i say
He wanted her
She'd never tell secretly she wanted him as well
But all of her friends
Stuck up their nose
They had a problem with his baggy clothes

He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
She had a pretty face
But her head was up in space
She needed to come back down to earth

5 years from now
She sits at home
Feeding the baby she's all alone
She turns on tv
Guess who she sees
Skater boy rockin up MTV
She calls up her friends
They already know
And they've all got
Tickets to see his show
She tags along
Stands in the crowd
Looks up at the man that she turned down

He was a skater boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn't good enough for her
Now he's a super star
Slamming on his guitar
Does your pretty face see what he's worth?

Sorry girl but you missed out
Well tough luck that boy's mine now
We are more than just good friends
This is how the story ends
Too bad that you couldn't see,
See the man that boy could be
There is more that meets the eye
I see the soul that is inside

He's just a boy
And Im just a girl
Can I make it any more obvious
We are in love
Haven't you heard
How we rock eachothers world

I'm with the skater boy
I said see you later boy
I'll be back stage after the show
I'll be at the studio
Singing the song we wrote
About a girl you used to know

i dunno how i've become so busy lately... seems like every single minute is precious.. that's why i haven't been blogging so much lately i guess. that must also be why everyone started a bunch of blogs during summer and now no one's blogging or reading blogs.. i guess you have to be kinda a very.. reflective kind of person to do this a lot? hmm i dunno. it's a good way to vent sometimes though.

ahhhh i'm one of those unfortunate people who can't stand being busy. how much time do i spend in a week doing things i'm supposed to do? arghs.

this week has been hectic. shellie is so burnt out she is crisp.

was doing some cleaning in my "Shelley" folder and found a buncha old convos, this one caught my eye. sometimes when i read old convos, i'm reminded of how funny life can be. these things are what keep me sane..! heh.. they remind me to not take life too seriously, cuz you never know where the next turn will take ya.

this one was dated October 29, 2001. (yes not only do i save my convos but they're dated too, maybe it's a minute maid thing >_^) almost been a whole year..!

T: i been weak and i let myself be fooled for sometime..shelie i love u and i care for u
T: that's why i had to do wat i did as bsed as it sounds to u
T: i didn't want to see u become someone i couldn't talk with..see or even look without becoming bitter
T: dont put up a fite..just let it be...

T: do ur hw...
T: concentrate on skoo..
T: we be friends..and we'll try
T: it'll be hard...
T: but to get over this..
T: sigh..
e: are we just gonna be like this forever?
e: and ever and ever and ever
T: its hard..it always is..no one ever said i'td be ez...
T: iono..shelley
T: that's up to fate..

heh.. one of these days i'm gonna think back on what i'm doing now and say to myself, "now wasn't THAT strange..."

some new and exciting updates in shellie's life!

1. guess what? i'm the MINUTE MAID! hehehe... discovered this during leadership with angela. my new nickname. if you don't get it, ask me cuz i'm not explaining it in here or else it won't be funny anymore.

2. i have found the key to christina's heart. *wink* isn't that right chrissy?

3. i guess it's pretty cool if your ex's parents treat you like their own daughter. free prom dress and rental on their son? ooh.. how can anyone resist.. *drool* hehe j/k! wow, endless supply of yummy cantonese food. *giggle*

4. when shopping for perfume/cologne, be sure that it's for HUMANS and not for dogs or cats. hint: it will say on the bottle, "for dogs."

5. i love tyson!! haha are you reading this? >_^

dad came back from taiwan. it felt weird again, becuz for a long while my mom was practically a single parent. i've always known my dad as a rather distant figure who made a lotta family decisions even though he wasn't living with us. kinda like the king in england was to the colonies during pre-revolution days... hehe.. except my dad isn't some tyrannical king. he's actually a very nice guy.. just misunderstood sometimes becuz he's one of those chinese males who aren't the best at expressing themselves.

along w/ my dad also came the new jay chou cd. i am so unupdated on these things! well, i love the cd. except i saw that he wrote all the songs.. i wonder if when i start playing the guitar, maybe i could write my own songs too? i don't like the ones i've written so far, becuz i "had to" write them.. eh..

dad also showed us the floor plans for the apartments. they all look so.. neat and organized! everyone lives in their tiny lil cubicle houses. then they wake up and drive their tiny lil cubicle cars to another tiny lil cubicle, where they work all day. and everywhere they go, they see thousands of the same nondescript faces in the city, just like them. then at the end of the day, they return to their tiny lil cubicle houses again, watching their tiny lil cubicle tv's.

i've always hated cubes.

sugar cubes are pretty cool, i guess, but all other kinds of cubes are scary to me. especially after living in an actual house w/ a backyard that has real grass, i don't know if i'd be able to survive back in taiwan... but it's still pretty cool to know that i own two bedrooms and a bath. my sister would be right next door. literally, on the other side of the wall, cuz of the cubicle-ness of the taiwanese apartments. meh. it's all so very odd.

*sigh* in a melancholy mood tonight...

just had a huge talk with my mom. at times, she can be so pessimistic, and me so optimistic in comparison. and sometimes she has the ability to make me see how being overly optimistic can be very harmful for myself. and it made me question the whole concept of "it is better to give than to receive."

arghs. why do people have to be so difficult. why do you have to measure out exactly how much of yourself to give, and how much people appreciate what you have given them? i consider myself a rather selfish person, and even i don't like doing that.

"are you worth my while?"

i've always hated those chinese american books written by a chinese american author talking about their chinese families and their american lives and how they've had to face all these difficulties becuz they're chinese. like joy luck club. i hated joy luck club. ricky knows. hated hated hated. it always seemed as if they wanted the whole world to know about their exaggerated troubles, which they're not the only ones facing but are the only ones complaining about it (pardon my bad grammar). i've always hated any writer who tries to receive pity from their readers. ew. and the worst part is, they're usually written from a more american point of view than a chinese point of view. i always feel like when i'm reading from their perspective, i'm an outsider looking in. looking into the traditional chinese' lives. and i hate that, becuz it always makes me feel so detached from my own culture/family/root whatever you wanna call it.

so i really wasn't looking forward to woman warrior. but i finished it this morning at 5. i must say, woman warrior isn't like the other chinese american stories i've read. the best part about it is that she actually manages to talk about her life from both the chinese point of view AND the american point of view. i know it seemed like joy luck club was very chinese-y, but kingston rarely complained about the whole identity crisis-related problems in woman warrior. and i could actually identify with her troubles. in joy luck club, i hated the daughers. and i hated the mothers. and i hated the fact that i hated them, becuz i wasn't supposed to hate them at all! the daughters were way too american and, in my eyes, too un-filial for being chinese daughters. and the mothers, so narrow-minded. i hated how amy tan can make a fellow chinese american female feel so detached from the kind of people they have been around their whole entire life.

the part i loved the most about woman warrior was when she described her torturing that poor chinese girl who never talked. every word she said to the chinese girl reminded me of something i've forgotten for a long while. some of the things she said to the girl, i knew she had spoken them at one time or another to herself. telling herself that she had to be strong and speak the foreign language, or else everyone will pick on them, look down on them, ignore them, or think that they are stupid. now, the last thing i want to become is a drama queen. but i must say, i've completely forgotten about the days when i had to transform myself from a fob to an ex-fob. that's how powerful woman warrior was to me. it reminded me of the process fobs like me had to go through. actually, fobs nowadays have it so much easier than fobs back then. i remember in my fourth grade ELD class in devargas, there were only two chinese people including me. i hated the other chinese girl because she was just irritating to be around. i was originally supposed to be in john muir, but the class was too big so they transferred some of us to other schools. me, devargas. (i was actually supposed to go to dilworth, which i did in 5th grade, but they didn't have any fob classes, so i had to go to devargas until i passed my fob english test)

i remembered how much i got picked on, even by the fob kids. gosh, little kids can be so cruel! i remember one time i was in line for handball. i left briefly to walk inside the court for some conflict over the rules. when i came back, they had taken my spot, and when i tried explaining to them how i only left line a little bit but still stayed in the game, they just laughed at me and wouldn't let me get back to the front of the line. gosh. i still remember that girl's face. and how stupid i must have felt becuz i obviously couldn't explain myself very well in such broken english. i hated myself for not knowing the language of the land i was in.

one time i had been fumbling around in a box my mom kept in her desk drawer. i found the little pin that said "book it!" the pin had a picture of a bunch of little kids at a party, with five cakes and candles on them. five gold candle stickers were each stuck carefully on the pin, where the candles stood and gave a blank spot where the sticker was supposed to belong. i had felt so proud for earning all five stickers. they were the reward for me reading my fob books. each month, we had a certain number of books we had to finish and do reports on. everyone had different numbers, depending on how fobbish they are. i started with five each month. once i completed and turned in five book reports, i got a free pizza from pizza hut and earned one candle sticker. then next, the number required rose to 10 books. they were simple fob books, like curious george and stuff, that fobs like me could understand. i remember my mom and i would check them out from the library, and she would guide me through the reading and help me write the reports. i still remember the repetitive words she always told me to write in my reports, spoken to me through her heavy chinese accented english. we would sit on the ground, around the coffee table in her room, while the rain poured and thunder roared about us outside the house. it was just the two of us in the beginning. two newly immigrated chinese fobs sitting in their newly rented first american house, reading unfamiliar sguiggly words, attempting to adjust to a way of life which completely baffled them, and sometimes made them shed silent tears on their pillows at night. eventually i learned the language somehow (it wasn't as hard as chinese! haha j/k). toward the end i had to read about 25 books per month. i think that was when i earned my fifth and last sticker on the pin. of course, my english was still very bad at the end of fourth grade, when i tested out of eld becuz i scored 99% on my fob test. haha i remind myself of scott.. his "99%!!" hehehhe..

there are thousands more horror fob stories, some i don't wanna tell and some that are just plain funny. some too embarrasing even for me to dig up in my own mind. everytime my mom would mention anything from that period of time, i would whine and complain until she stopped talking about it. i hated hearing about it cuz not only was it embarrasing, it reminded me of weaknesses i wanted to conceal from everyone else. fobbishness wasn't just what people saw on the surface - the weird clothes, the loud talking, the clique-ing up, the pearl milk tea, the chinese novels, etc.. well at least for me, it was such a bad time that i still mildly cringe whenever my mom would bring it up. it reminded me of everything i failed to do and everything that made me look stupid in front of americans. but now i feel part-american, and part chinese, and i still can't accept it quite well. but i guess reading woman warrior reminded me of those days, and now i can better deal with it. which is why i'm writing this big rant about my fobbish days. there are lots more stories where that came from, so you guys can just ask me for more if you're bored enough to hear them.

i'm glad that language-wise, i'm not so fobbish anymore now. i even think in english. how crazy is that. haha.. er.. well i'm past my identity-crisis stage which i was in in my junior high years. i used to have big crying fits becuz i could not figure out who i was. i always felt chinese at home and american at school. but there comes a day for every young fob in america when they have to realize that their fob skills are diminishing, and they are becoming more and more like their american or abc friends. and it's scary. it's scary to see how everything that you're made of is slowing fading away from you. how complex characters you used to write every day have completely escaped from your hand, and no matter what you do, you just can't remember how to write them anymore. how sometimes when you talk to your parents in chinese, you realize that you can't convey your ideas without using english words anymore. this happens to every chinese child, but to a person who's always spoken 100% chinese and 0% english, conversations turning into 80% chinese and 20% english is extremely frightening. it's like you're losing a part of yourself. like you're getting old and your memories are slowly fading until they become nonexistent. and without these things that are so much a part of you, you don't really know what you're made of and who you are anymore.

i guess i STILL haven't found the answers. but i'm not in an identity crisis anymore becuz it doesn't really matter what i'm labeled as. i'm just shellie, right? haha.. the asian blond. i'm glad i don't know my complete identity, becuz if i was too used to being any one thing all the time, i'd prolly have a hard time seeing things from the opposite side. and that's the last thing i'd want. so ex-fobs are cool.

today my sister called again from taiwan. my mom told her i was in the shower. my sister said, how come everytime i want to talk to shellie she is always either in the shower, sleeping, or out? is she really always that busy?? my mom said that it seems as if everyone's saying that nowadays. my dad calls and never gets a chance to talk to me.. he's always worried that i'm over-working and that i should exercise and eat and sleep more. also, people at church sometimes ask why they can never get hold of me. then my mom joking said, yeah i'm so lucky i live in the same house as you, cuz then i can actually see you from time to time!

-__-;; that's the face i have upon hearing all this. mild annoyance. i don't really think i'm THAT busy... i think people just have a hard time contacting me becuz of my weird schedule. and the fact that i don't usually pick up the phone if i'm eating dinner or practicing piano. if ppl call me in the afternoon, i'm either sleeping or out w/ friends, which doesn't happen that often on weekdays. and if ppl call me at night, i'm prolly at other classes/lessons or band practice or eating dinner or practing piano or showering. the best time to call me is after 11 pm. cuz then i'd be doing hw, and i'd get so bored of doing hw that i'd be so happy at the thought of something important interrupting it to happily pick up the phone. yes yes. but not many ppl call me that late... so dear reader, if you have tried in vain to contact me, call after 11! it's not impolite becuz we have two lines and i have a phone in my room. and i can't remember the last time i went to sleep before 1 am. oh this doesn't go for stalkers. haha if you plan on stalking me, do call in the afternoon. i never hear the phone ring when i'm sleeping. (i'm just kidding of course, too flat to have any real stalkers, although i DO get an average of 10 phone calls a day from the same person, who tries to make me "feel better", *cough*cough*)