recently i've been eating in 12-hour intervals. today i had "lunch" at 10 AM, and dinner at 10 PM. wow, ever since CYS rehearsals started, i've been rushing from place to place and frantically trying to debug programs, study for weekly math tests, practicing my nerve-wrecking xylophone *er* "solos" so i won't get yelled at... haha.. shostakovich got me all uppity at rehearsal. but mr. eylar was SURPRISINGLY nice and tolerant about it. i missed some really simple stuff on the bells, and he actually SMILED and said, "come on shelley! you can do this!" *gasp* he's NEVER been like that before! and i saw the new guy, Jason, and how he was kinda down about messing up. i tried to make him feel better by telling him about my horrible first CYS rehearsals. heh.. i still remember it all. wow, i've really learned a lot about orchestral music through CYS... good good. the 160 bucks per quarter is not going to waste. haha!
can barely keep my eyes open... gonna do devotional, study math, and then hopefully go to sleep before 3 AM. get 4 hrs. of sleep and start it all over again tomorrow... x_X blah!
7.31.2002
ahhhhhhhh i feel like a huge string of cuss words are about to jump out of my mouth but i'm not supposed to swear! but but but i'm soooo frustrated!!!!!!!! >_< i just spent the last hour and a half trying to find the stupid bugs in my program and as of now, my program is still SCREWED. why do i always wait until the last minute? wahhhhhhhhh!!
oh my gosh, i have SO MUCH respect for computer programmers now. i can't believe they do these things everyday. and all i had to do was convert celsius to fahrenheit, they have to write such complicated programs!! maybe i'm NOT programming material after all. i can't imagine doing this every single day! if only i started earlier i wouldn't be so stressed.
arghs! *extremely frustrated grunt* i hate pointers. i hate them i hate them i hate them.
oh my gosh, i have SO MUCH respect for computer programmers now. i can't believe they do these things everyday. and all i had to do was convert celsius to fahrenheit, they have to write such complicated programs!! maybe i'm NOT programming material after all. i can't imagine doing this every single day! if only i started earlier i wouldn't be so stressed.
arghs! *extremely frustrated grunt* i hate pointers. i hate them i hate them i hate them.
7.30.2002
7.29.2002
so tired... did a lot of travelling around today. first went to foothill college to load percussion equipment, then to foothill elementary to unload, then to deanza for comp class while my mom went back home for my mallets, then went to foothill elementary again for like half an hour of rehearsal. i can't live like this!! ahhh!!! *pulls hair out*
cys rehearsal was... interesting.. and different. heh. a lot of the same faces, a lot of new faces. lots of asians! lots of young kids. lots of "hi! how have you been doing?" and lots of confused-looking expressions. it felt weird.. somewhat like CYS, but not like CYS at the same time. becuz so many ppl were missing! i looked around for the usual familiar faces, and it all of a sudden hit me that they're never gonna sit in those seats again.. ah so sad. *sniff*
my arms are so sore. i better not skip calc tomorrow morning again. augh i'm such a slacker and i don't even care and that's what worries me. i worry becuz i'm not worrying. oy!
cys rehearsal was... interesting.. and different. heh. a lot of the same faces, a lot of new faces. lots of asians! lots of young kids. lots of "hi! how have you been doing?" and lots of confused-looking expressions. it felt weird.. somewhat like CYS, but not like CYS at the same time. becuz so many ppl were missing! i looked around for the usual familiar faces, and it all of a sudden hit me that they're never gonna sit in those seats again.. ah so sad. *sniff*
my arms are so sore. i better not skip calc tomorrow morning again. augh i'm such a slacker and i don't even care and that's what worries me. i worry becuz i'm not worrying. oy!
yay!!! the new blog i promised myself i would make is now up! i'm starting w/ the book of Romans becuz it's probably the most "encouraging" one, and encouragement is certainly what i need right now... i'm not gonna put any of that tagboard or links stuff on the page, so if you want to go to someone else's blog from my links or post any messages, just link back to "i've got the blues." cuz i'm gonna keep "food for the spirit" somewhat personal. k... *yawn* got busy day tomorrow... sleepy time.
7.28.2002
ahh.... *BIG smile* back from the church retreat!
(yes, in case you wondered why i didn't go online or write in my blog for, oh, four days straight, it's becuz i was at our annual church-wide retreat)
(and yes, in case you were surprised, i am a christian. and if you were THAT surprised, there's proof that i'm not a very good one)
i must say that i've been at an all-time spiritual low lately. i'm starting to ask questions about christianity as if i'm a non-christian. if i told you all my questions, they sound pretty normal. like questions anyone would ask about any religion. but to a person who has been a christian for SUCH a long time, it really is very very very very very scary that i'm doubting all this. everything i've believed in for uh... about 7 years now. so if you're the type to be interested in shellie's spiritual condition, read on.
i have been skeptical about everything church-ish i've been hearing for several months now. it's the whole "but why" business. i can't just BELIEVE anymore. i have to ask why. i have to ask why people believe the things they believe. why is the Bible taken as absolute truth for so many people? why is God so real in millions of people's hearts? why do some Christians speak in tongues, while others despise it? all these questions are completely normal for a non-christian friend that you might bring to church. but is it normal for me?
take prayer, for instance. have you realized how many people take it for granted? for many christians, praying is just another way of talking. but you're not just talking to anyone, you're talking to GOD, the maker of heaven and earth. from a non-christian's pov (point of view), people praying may look a bit weird, a buncha people closing their eyes and mumbling words they don't normally say. at least that was what i first thought about prayer. my first close encounter with a person praying was my sister, and she was praying for my mom and me, before we immigrated to the States. she was the first in our family to become a christian, and at that time, i remembered that in the middle of her prayer, i opened my eyes and just stared at her, because i thought it extremely strange what kind of a different person my sister had become. why did she believe that someone, some omni-powerful BEING, was listening to her? and now i'm once again asking the same thing. what exactly IS prayer? what differentiates our normal everyday conversation with friends from a conversation with God, if one does exist? and if God does exist, what makes us think that by closing our eyes, bowing our heads, and just TALKING into space, that God is listening? i know if i talk to anyone at church about this, that they will tell me about the time when Paul (or whoever it was in the Bible) prayed to God, "Lord, help my unbelief." but see? that's my problem! why should i pray??? why should i listen to the Bible? and the strangest thing is, why am i only starting to ask all this now? anyone that knows me well enough also knows that i always ask too many questions. so why did i never ask any questions about the most important thing in my life?
many of my questions that i ask out of my little faith can be answered by ricky's once-favorite subject, apologetics. but even if the "intellectual" aspects of Christianity were all proven to me, there still remains the most important thing that can never be proven, and that is the original question of whether or not God even exists. i feel extremely irritated and ashamed with myself that i am even asking this question, just because of who i once was, and who i have become now. Jesus said that blessed are those who have simple faith, like little children. but put bluntly, isn't child-like simple faith just "blind faith?" and to a person who is obessive about asking "why," you just can't tell her to simply believe. my mind just doesn't work that way. well, not anymore. i look at the lyrics to our worship songs, the same songs that i used to sing and drum and cry to, and i think to myself, do i really believe what i'm singing? or am i a hypocrite, just like the Pharisees? but i don't really agree with secular songs either. so i'm stuck. in a pathetic middle ground where i'm not really 100% christian, and not really non-Christian.
on a side note, on the way to the retreat on thursday, i must have looked deep in thought, becuz my mom asked me what i was thinking about. i shrugged it off, but she said, "aha! i still know what you're thinking." and i taunted, oh what am i thinking about? she said, "you are thinking about what you were doing at this same time last year." oh yikes. i wasn't thinking about that, but once she mentioned it, i immediately felt like crying. heh.. the longest conversation i've ever had on a cell phone. with...? yup, you guessed it. the reason i wanted to cry wasn't becuz i missed him, but it was just this whole rush of events. what happened AT the retreat, what happened after i got back, the aftermath of it all. when i told him last week that i was gonna be at the retreat, he was like, "oh.. THAT retreat... heh.." and to think that this whole Christianity business was what started it all, the thing i'm being so skeptical about, it's just... meh. no words to describe how it feels. to give up something so important for something so much more important. and to have both things end up slapping you in the face. well, maybe not that bad. but i'm exactly what Jesus described as "oh ye of little faith." and now i'm "ye of little faith PLUS someone who's had a not-working-so-great relationship in the past." oy oy oy!
i talked to my mom about my lack of faith business just now. it was quite a LONG conversation. but anyway, she convinced me to keep on reading the Bible and praying, not pretending to be chrisian-like, but praying to ask God why i don't believe everything anymore. and to ask Him for help, as little as i believe in Him. so my new idea is to make a spiritual journal. it's gonna have my thoughts from reading the Bible everyday. a devotional journal. and it's gonna be all digitalized!! haha.. yes, i am making another blog. woohoo! wow... come to think of it, this is strange. when i DID believe, i rarely was motivated enough to read the Bible. now that i don't really believe, i AM gonna read the Bible. hehe.. i crack myself up sometimes.
wow this was a long@$$ blog.
(yes, in case you wondered why i didn't go online or write in my blog for, oh, four days straight, it's becuz i was at our annual church-wide retreat)
(and yes, in case you were surprised, i am a christian. and if you were THAT surprised, there's proof that i'm not a very good one)
i must say that i've been at an all-time spiritual low lately. i'm starting to ask questions about christianity as if i'm a non-christian. if i told you all my questions, they sound pretty normal. like questions anyone would ask about any religion. but to a person who has been a christian for SUCH a long time, it really is very very very very very scary that i'm doubting all this. everything i've believed in for uh... about 7 years now. so if you're the type to be interested in shellie's spiritual condition, read on.
i have been skeptical about everything church-ish i've been hearing for several months now. it's the whole "but why" business. i can't just BELIEVE anymore. i have to ask why. i have to ask why people believe the things they believe. why is the Bible taken as absolute truth for so many people? why is God so real in millions of people's hearts? why do some Christians speak in tongues, while others despise it? all these questions are completely normal for a non-christian friend that you might bring to church. but is it normal for me?
take prayer, for instance. have you realized how many people take it for granted? for many christians, praying is just another way of talking. but you're not just talking to anyone, you're talking to GOD, the maker of heaven and earth. from a non-christian's pov (point of view), people praying may look a bit weird, a buncha people closing their eyes and mumbling words they don't normally say. at least that was what i first thought about prayer. my first close encounter with a person praying was my sister, and she was praying for my mom and me, before we immigrated to the States. she was the first in our family to become a christian, and at that time, i remembered that in the middle of her prayer, i opened my eyes and just stared at her, because i thought it extremely strange what kind of a different person my sister had become. why did she believe that someone, some omni-powerful BEING, was listening to her? and now i'm once again asking the same thing. what exactly IS prayer? what differentiates our normal everyday conversation with friends from a conversation with God, if one does exist? and if God does exist, what makes us think that by closing our eyes, bowing our heads, and just TALKING into space, that God is listening? i know if i talk to anyone at church about this, that they will tell me about the time when Paul (or whoever it was in the Bible) prayed to God, "Lord, help my unbelief." but see? that's my problem! why should i pray??? why should i listen to the Bible? and the strangest thing is, why am i only starting to ask all this now? anyone that knows me well enough also knows that i always ask too many questions. so why did i never ask any questions about the most important thing in my life?
many of my questions that i ask out of my little faith can be answered by ricky's once-favorite subject, apologetics. but even if the "intellectual" aspects of Christianity were all proven to me, there still remains the most important thing that can never be proven, and that is the original question of whether or not God even exists. i feel extremely irritated and ashamed with myself that i am even asking this question, just because of who i once was, and who i have become now. Jesus said that blessed are those who have simple faith, like little children. but put bluntly, isn't child-like simple faith just "blind faith?" and to a person who is obessive about asking "why," you just can't tell her to simply believe. my mind just doesn't work that way. well, not anymore. i look at the lyrics to our worship songs, the same songs that i used to sing and drum and cry to, and i think to myself, do i really believe what i'm singing? or am i a hypocrite, just like the Pharisees? but i don't really agree with secular songs either. so i'm stuck. in a pathetic middle ground where i'm not really 100% christian, and not really non-Christian.
on a side note, on the way to the retreat on thursday, i must have looked deep in thought, becuz my mom asked me what i was thinking about. i shrugged it off, but she said, "aha! i still know what you're thinking." and i taunted, oh what am i thinking about? she said, "you are thinking about what you were doing at this same time last year." oh yikes. i wasn't thinking about that, but once she mentioned it, i immediately felt like crying. heh.. the longest conversation i've ever had on a cell phone. with...? yup, you guessed it. the reason i wanted to cry wasn't becuz i missed him, but it was just this whole rush of events. what happened AT the retreat, what happened after i got back, the aftermath of it all. when i told him last week that i was gonna be at the retreat, he was like, "oh.. THAT retreat... heh.." and to think that this whole Christianity business was what started it all, the thing i'm being so skeptical about, it's just... meh. no words to describe how it feels. to give up something so important for something so much more important. and to have both things end up slapping you in the face. well, maybe not that bad. but i'm exactly what Jesus described as "oh ye of little faith." and now i'm "ye of little faith PLUS someone who's had a not-working-so-great relationship in the past." oy oy oy!
i talked to my mom about my lack of faith business just now. it was quite a LONG conversation. but anyway, she convinced me to keep on reading the Bible and praying, not pretending to be chrisian-like, but praying to ask God why i don't believe everything anymore. and to ask Him for help, as little as i believe in Him. so my new idea is to make a spiritual journal. it's gonna have my thoughts from reading the Bible everyday. a devotional journal. and it's gonna be all digitalized!! haha.. yes, i am making another blog. woohoo! wow... come to think of it, this is strange. when i DID believe, i rarely was motivated enough to read the Bible. now that i don't really believe, i AM gonna read the Bible. hehe.. i crack myself up sometimes.
wow this was a long@$$ blog.
7.24.2002
forgive (fer giv') -- v.t. 1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, sin, etc.); absolve. 2. to cease to feel resentment against...
something i've always been taught but have never learned. happiness doesn't come from saying, "ha! i'm right and you're wrong!" happiness comes from saying, "i don't CARE who's right or who's wrong, i just want my friend(s) back..."
heh. forgiveness. what a concept.
something i've always been taught but have never learned. happiness doesn't come from saying, "ha! i'm right and you're wrong!" happiness comes from saying, "i don't CARE who's right or who's wrong, i just want my friend(s) back..."
heh. forgiveness. what a concept.
7.23.2002
WARNING: this blog is extremely mushy. please don't read if you're one to barf at such things.
so i was talking to my new friend from comp class today, and he wanted to change the subject, so he said, "tell me about your parents." well, as i started talking about my mom, i realized that i had been taking too much for granted.
the kind of relationship i have with my mom is like no other. i would be even as bold as to compare ourselves to gilmore girls. hehe.. no, i'm not going to harvard. and no, my mom is not in her 30's. and of course, i do not have a boyfriend like dean. oh and also we're asian. duh. but other than that, we're practically identical!! hehehhe....
becuz my dad isn't here most of the time, my mom and i are practically like roomies. we roam the house with no restrictions or "house rules" whatsoever. we eat whenever we feel like, in front of our tv or in front of our lassie. neither of us have a bed time, although i have been known to take 5-hour naps. and most importantly, we can tell each other ANYTHING. when i talk to her, i get to hear about things from perspectives dramatically different from mine - from a mother, a wife, and a woman who realizes her hair is becoming white. i never feel as if i'm talking to my mom. i feel as if i'm talking to a best friend.. the way i talk to jaclyn, practically!
i feel so lucky to have this, especially being an asian kid in high school living in silicon valley. becuz my mom never butts in my academic and social (hah, that's funny) life, i have to really think for myself. she would never even mention about me taking SAT classes if i hadn't asked her if i could go to princeton review. she doesn't care what my GPA is, as long as i'm happy learning what i'm learning. that's the kind of cool mom she is. yes yes, mushy moment. let's all go *awwww*
and if i ever have a daughter in the future, that's exactly the way i want to raise her. yeah, VERY far off in the future, but everytime i look at mothers who try to control their children's lives, i feel infinitely sorry for both the parents and the kids. of course my mom's "method" may mean that i will make more mistakes than others, but at least i get to live my own life. i would HATE it if my parents ever tried to tell me what college to go to or what to major in. if my mom took me through every step of the "college planning process," as they like to call it, i would be a mindless pawn, and there is nothing sadder (?) than not being able to think for yourself. it's not like she doesn't care. she knows what i'm doing, and she lets me do it and learn things my own way. i am totally starting to fully appreciate it now.
see? it's almost 1 AM, and i have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. she knows it, but she never yells at me. i was late to my math class for an hour this morning. hopefully i'll learn! :P
so i was talking to my new friend from comp class today, and he wanted to change the subject, so he said, "tell me about your parents." well, as i started talking about my mom, i realized that i had been taking too much for granted.
the kind of relationship i have with my mom is like no other. i would be even as bold as to compare ourselves to gilmore girls. hehe.. no, i'm not going to harvard. and no, my mom is not in her 30's. and of course, i do not have a boyfriend like dean. oh and also we're asian. duh. but other than that, we're practically identical!! hehehhe....
becuz my dad isn't here most of the time, my mom and i are practically like roomies. we roam the house with no restrictions or "house rules" whatsoever. we eat whenever we feel like, in front of our tv or in front of our lassie. neither of us have a bed time, although i have been known to take 5-hour naps. and most importantly, we can tell each other ANYTHING. when i talk to her, i get to hear about things from perspectives dramatically different from mine - from a mother, a wife, and a woman who realizes her hair is becoming white. i never feel as if i'm talking to my mom. i feel as if i'm talking to a best friend.. the way i talk to jaclyn, practically!
i feel so lucky to have this, especially being an asian kid in high school living in silicon valley. becuz my mom never butts in my academic and social (hah, that's funny) life, i have to really think for myself. she would never even mention about me taking SAT classes if i hadn't asked her if i could go to princeton review. she doesn't care what my GPA is, as long as i'm happy learning what i'm learning. that's the kind of cool mom she is. yes yes, mushy moment. let's all go *awwww*
and if i ever have a daughter in the future, that's exactly the way i want to raise her. yeah, VERY far off in the future, but everytime i look at mothers who try to control their children's lives, i feel infinitely sorry for both the parents and the kids. of course my mom's "method" may mean that i will make more mistakes than others, but at least i get to live my own life. i would HATE it if my parents ever tried to tell me what college to go to or what to major in. if my mom took me through every step of the "college planning process," as they like to call it, i would be a mindless pawn, and there is nothing sadder (?) than not being able to think for yourself. it's not like she doesn't care. she knows what i'm doing, and she lets me do it and learn things my own way. i am totally starting to fully appreciate it now.
see? it's almost 1 AM, and i have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. she knows it, but she never yells at me. i was late to my math class for an hour this morning. hopefully i'll learn! :P
7.20.2002
i'm sad... :-(
too many things i can't fix.. or don't know how to fix. he was right, my apologies are always "ambivalent," and even when i AM the one at fault, i can't let go of my pride. even when i KNOW i'm losing something very valuable to me, something i can't ever get back again once it has all passed, i still can't get myself to do it.
i'm beginning to see why staying friends with your ex can sometimes be a very good thing. cuz they know you so well that they can tell your habits and the reasons behind your every seemingly insignificant gesture. and at the same time, they can help you see things from another perspective. like WHY did so-and-so say that.. how would he feel.. what i should say to him..
so i get it now. but.. i just can't do it. if it really meant that much to me, i should try to get it back, right? but it's so hard.. in the end, it won't matter anyway.
*sigh* i will really miss him though...
too many things i can't fix.. or don't know how to fix. he was right, my apologies are always "ambivalent," and even when i AM the one at fault, i can't let go of my pride. even when i KNOW i'm losing something very valuable to me, something i can't ever get back again once it has all passed, i still can't get myself to do it.
i'm beginning to see why staying friends with your ex can sometimes be a very good thing. cuz they know you so well that they can tell your habits and the reasons behind your every seemingly insignificant gesture. and at the same time, they can help you see things from another perspective. like WHY did so-and-so say that.. how would he feel.. what i should say to him..
so i get it now. but.. i just can't do it. if it really meant that much to me, i should try to get it back, right? but it's so hard.. in the end, it won't matter anyway.
*sigh* i will really miss him though...
7.19.2002
7.17.2002
ok. it is time for us to talk about singularities. yum! well, it's not the BEST time, becuz honestly, i'm still quite fuzzy about the subject. but i will initiate it today and if anyone wants to tell me more, IM me and i will GLADLY soak up the knowledge like a piece of expensive sponge.
so for those of you who don't know, a singularity works pretty much like a black hole. it's a big mass of material which basically sucks things in becuz the gravity is so great (bigger mass=bigger gravity). now, as Einstein (sp?) told us w/ his theory of relativity, if you can travel faster than the speed of light, you can go back in time. but as mr. mathiesen told us, you cannot travel faster than light becuz when you work out the equation, it's square root of c minus your velocity, c being the constant v at which light travels. and we all know that you can't have the square root of a negative number (unless you use imaginary numbers, which has nothing to do with singularities). this means that (c - your velocity) has to be greater than 0, therefore you cannot travel faster than light. it's just not mathematically possible.
if it's not mathematically possible, is it indeed impossible in practice? going back to singularities, there is such a thing as a "naked singularity." i forgot exactly what differentiates plain singularities from naked singularities, but anyway, a naked singularity behaves very strangely. in a naked singularity, the mass can get so great that the force with which the singularity pulls things in can approach infinity!! but how can you travel faster than light!? if you were to be sucked into such a singularity in space (and your body has not yet exploded, which it will if this were ever to happen in reality), and say you are travelling faster than light, somehow. then you will be travelling back in time. which MEANS that.. in this naked singularity, events will end just as they are starting, or before they have even started!!! what a concept eh? to see the result of a reaction before things have even reacted.. to see someone arriving before they even started travelling. ah.. but how is that possible??? i have yet to read more about this. or better yet, if you know more, please IM me and quench my thirst for knowledge!! ^_^
and now my mom is yelling for me to go eat dinner. i've only eaten once in the past two days! believe me, it's possible for me to FORGET to eat. bye bye mr. blog.
so for those of you who don't know, a singularity works pretty much like a black hole. it's a big mass of material which basically sucks things in becuz the gravity is so great (bigger mass=bigger gravity). now, as Einstein (sp?) told us w/ his theory of relativity, if you can travel faster than the speed of light, you can go back in time. but as mr. mathiesen told us, you cannot travel faster than light becuz when you work out the equation, it's square root of c minus your velocity, c being the constant v at which light travels. and we all know that you can't have the square root of a negative number (unless you use imaginary numbers, which has nothing to do with singularities). this means that (c - your velocity) has to be greater than 0, therefore you cannot travel faster than light. it's just not mathematically possible.
if it's not mathematically possible, is it indeed impossible in practice? going back to singularities, there is such a thing as a "naked singularity." i forgot exactly what differentiates plain singularities from naked singularities, but anyway, a naked singularity behaves very strangely. in a naked singularity, the mass can get so great that the force with which the singularity pulls things in can approach infinity!! but how can you travel faster than light!? if you were to be sucked into such a singularity in space (and your body has not yet exploded, which it will if this were ever to happen in reality), and say you are travelling faster than light, somehow. then you will be travelling back in time. which MEANS that.. in this naked singularity, events will end just as they are starting, or before they have even started!!! what a concept eh? to see the result of a reaction before things have even reacted.. to see someone arriving before they even started travelling. ah.. but how is that possible??? i have yet to read more about this. or better yet, if you know more, please IM me and quench my thirst for knowledge!! ^_^
and now my mom is yelling for me to go eat dinner. i've only eaten once in the past two days! believe me, it's possible for me to FORGET to eat. bye bye mr. blog.
it is 3:45 am now and yet again i took another quiz. now THIS one is more like me! ^_^
What Obscure Animal are you?
dude i gotta get up in 3 hours. better finish my calc. :P
What Obscure Animal are you?
dude i gotta get up in 3 hours. better finish my calc. :P
got bored with calc, so i started reading my friends' blogs. this cool test was in steph's blog. note: i do not believe in reincarnation, so the term "past life" didn't mean much to me while i took the qiuz. it's pretty predictable though.. anyway, click and enjoy!
What Was Your PastLife?
What Was Your PastLife?