so almost every american i "bump into" online tell me to get an account on this or that. mostly it's facebook or myspace, but there is so many others like friendster and google groups and i just can't keep track. not only am i too lazy to sign up in the first place, it doesn't help that a lot of the websites have different requirements and i keep forgetting my many different passwords. i guess it doesn't help that for the past FOUR years i've been mainly producing content on an archaic BBS that no one except those on the tiny island of TAIWAN would ever see.
so. i have decided to just stick with this cuz this is the only thing that has continued and stayed with me ever since.. high school? junior high? i forget. and how come no one except kafung uses MSN? hmm.
well, right now evan is here in taiwan but sadly i have been super busy with work so we have only got to eat soup dumplings and other great stuff at gong guan but that's about it. SAD.
if anyone still reads this and i'm not talking to myself here, just remember that you can email me at the same email if you plan on coming to taiwan! you can also email even if you aren't coming! isn't that just great.
i'm going to japan for a few days during early march.
12.23.2006
how to remember
星期五的行管課結束的時候 我跑去問助教期末報告可不可以用英文寫
她微笑著問我: 喔你是外國人嗎?
我常常被大家說是外國人 但我一點也不介意
因為我知道大家其實都很好心的把我當成跟自己一樣是台灣人
但不知道為什麼 助教認真的問我這個問題 讓我之後想了很久
我一直都把自己當做台灣人 只是因為離開台灣太久所以需要適應而已
但是助教的問題卻讓我再一次的反省
雖然這不知道是不是結論 可是我想到最後真的被自己嚇到了
沒想到 我竟然跟David宅 是同一種人....
我好想吐 (雖然我真的有試著去喜歡他 真的!)
when i was in the u.s., i thought of myself as chinese american. but i wasn't the only one; everyone who knew me saw me as chinese american. i lived for several years without giving much thought to who i was or what country i belonged to. questions like that didn't seem very important to me. i received most of my education in the u.s., identified more with americans, had more "american common sense" than i had "chinese common sense," had better command of english than chinese, sided with american values more often than chinese values when they are in conflict, enjoyed american literature, music, movies, theatre more than i did chinese ones, wore american eagle, drank jamba juice--in general, i was just as american as any other blond-haired blue-eyed lived-in-the-u.s.-their-whole-life american, only without the popular image factor.
i guess some people (this includes my mother) would say i adapted. my whole life up to this point has consisted of nothing but change. at this point, i have already gone to 13 different schools and moved 6 times. so losing became an easy task. losing friends, losing the way, losing old furniture, losing neighbors, losing pets, losing habits, losing ticket stubs... memories started piling up. they gathered dust and lost their glow. it wasn't long before losing turned into forgetting.
forgetting is a powerful tool. it dulls the pain you feel when you realize you lost something important to you. i learned to forget many things. at first i delighted in this new skill because forgetting was so refreshing. i forgot in whole bundles and crates. it wasn't that i saw them as trash that needed to be thrown away, but they were like bulks of yellowed newspaper clippings--still worth keeping but not worthy enough to travel thousands of miles away with me. some people envy what i have experienced, but what they don't know is that too much of something became nothing at all. most experiences were telephone directories to me, though they may seem like gold to others.
and so, like an anorexic who refuses to eat foods they once enjoyed, i refused to remember forgotten memories i once treasured.
of all things, i forgot what being chinese was like. now if this happened to an american-born-chinese, you can't blame them because they never really knew that feeling (although many may think they do). but it happened to me, someone who has always been and should always remain chinese. so the decision was to come home, even though it seemed ironic to me that my home was such an unfamiliar place. leaving a whole country behind was hard, but it wasn't impossible. after all, i had done it once already when i was 9.
i didn't choose immigration; immigration chose me. for those who wished they moved to a foreign country when they were little, allow me to ask: if you had to choose a time in your life to live in a country where you needed to say to your teacher that you had to go to the restroom but didn't know how, what age would you choose? or where you sat in the car next to your mother, who got lost driving to a nearby supermarket and you wished you could help read the map for her, what age would you choose? or when your classmates made fun of you because you brought chinese food to school for lunch, what age would you prefer? or when a neighbor came to speak to your father and, after talking very fast in his own mother tongue, looked at your father condescendingly and asked him in a tone he might use when talking to a five-year-old, "do you understand what i said?" what age would you prefer?
all my other family members, even though they too lived in the u.s. for quite a while, were able to adjust quickly when they came back to taiwan because it was where they grew up. but for someone who was american in every way except for appearance and birthplace, the task of adjusting was not easy. perhaps i would have felt better had i received the encouragement and positive attention that "popular image" americans do when they perform simple tasks most chinese were used to everyday, such as using eloquent or "fashionable" language, knowing how and when to haggle, the proper way to greet and make conversation with the different people you meet everyday... i didn't even know that when they play "fur Elise" it means it's time to take out the trash. but i could tolerate such things because i wanted to learn them, if such chinese survival skills were what made a chinese person chinese. what i could never get used to was the way "popular image" americans were applauded when they spoke the same language i was struggling with and did the same things i was learning to do. it was mythical the way waiters and cashiers were always friendlier and more patient when they were serving a white customer.
so, white americans are treated better in their own country AND in a foreign country? people speak to them in their own language in their own country AND in a foreign country? they don't MAKE these things happen; we LET these things happen because we think of ourselves as lower or not as advanced as they are. (some people have tried to make me feel better about this by telling me that we are being nice to them because they are in a foreign place. but if that is the case, why do so many people discriminate against foreign laborers and vietnamese wives?) and so i envy those white americans who are taken for who they really are--people think of them as foreigners, so they can behave like foreigners and not feel out of place. (it's ironic that a foreigner in taiwan might feel more at home than i do.)
in america, people treated me like i was american and therefore "one of them" because i spoke perfect english and behaved as an american would in every way. in taiwan, people treat me like i'm taiwanese for probably the same reasons. but even though the people around me already recognize me differently, i fear that i still see myself in the same way. after all these years of trying to prove to myself that i am in fact taiwanese, i realize now, with some degree of horror and disbelief, that i may never "turn into" a taiwanese, that i am and will never cease to be really american. it's like looking into a mirror and seeing a monster. i look like one thing but inside am actually another completely different being. am i an american who has to wake up every morning and learn how to become more chinese because i am "supposed to be" chinese? or am i chinese but just don't know it? or worse yet, am i both?
it's not that i WANT to be treated as an american just to live an easier life. but being treated as a chinese person who has had the "opportunity" to become bilingual (and, therefore, ooh so lucky) is more than i can take. i hope i am not being unappreciative, because i do enjoy having two mother tongues, but i know that if i could go back in time and choose for myself, i would stay where i belong and not move until i have already developed a set picture of who i am.
because there is nothing worse than losing yourself.
她微笑著問我: 喔你是外國人嗎?
我常常被大家說是外國人 但我一點也不介意
因為我知道大家其實都很好心的把我當成跟自己一樣是台灣人
但不知道為什麼 助教認真的問我這個問題 讓我之後想了很久
我一直都把自己當做台灣人 只是因為離開台灣太久所以需要適應而已
但是助教的問題卻讓我再一次的反省
雖然這不知道是不是結論 可是我想到最後真的被自己嚇到了
沒想到 我竟然跟David宅 是同一種人....
我好想吐 (雖然我真的有試著去喜歡他 真的!)
when i was in the u.s., i thought of myself as chinese american. but i wasn't the only one; everyone who knew me saw me as chinese american. i lived for several years without giving much thought to who i was or what country i belonged to. questions like that didn't seem very important to me. i received most of my education in the u.s., identified more with americans, had more "american common sense" than i had "chinese common sense," had better command of english than chinese, sided with american values more often than chinese values when they are in conflict, enjoyed american literature, music, movies, theatre more than i did chinese ones, wore american eagle, drank jamba juice--in general, i was just as american as any other blond-haired blue-eyed lived-in-the-u.s.-their-whole-life american, only without the popular image factor.
i guess some people (this includes my mother) would say i adapted. my whole life up to this point has consisted of nothing but change. at this point, i have already gone to 13 different schools and moved 6 times. so losing became an easy task. losing friends, losing the way, losing old furniture, losing neighbors, losing pets, losing habits, losing ticket stubs... memories started piling up. they gathered dust and lost their glow. it wasn't long before losing turned into forgetting.
forgetting is a powerful tool. it dulls the pain you feel when you realize you lost something important to you. i learned to forget many things. at first i delighted in this new skill because forgetting was so refreshing. i forgot in whole bundles and crates. it wasn't that i saw them as trash that needed to be thrown away, but they were like bulks of yellowed newspaper clippings--still worth keeping but not worthy enough to travel thousands of miles away with me. some people envy what i have experienced, but what they don't know is that too much of something became nothing at all. most experiences were telephone directories to me, though they may seem like gold to others.
and so, like an anorexic who refuses to eat foods they once enjoyed, i refused to remember forgotten memories i once treasured.
of all things, i forgot what being chinese was like. now if this happened to an american-born-chinese, you can't blame them because they never really knew that feeling (although many may think they do). but it happened to me, someone who has always been and should always remain chinese. so the decision was to come home, even though it seemed ironic to me that my home was such an unfamiliar place. leaving a whole country behind was hard, but it wasn't impossible. after all, i had done it once already when i was 9.
i didn't choose immigration; immigration chose me. for those who wished they moved to a foreign country when they were little, allow me to ask: if you had to choose a time in your life to live in a country where you needed to say to your teacher that you had to go to the restroom but didn't know how, what age would you choose? or where you sat in the car next to your mother, who got lost driving to a nearby supermarket and you wished you could help read the map for her, what age would you choose? or when your classmates made fun of you because you brought chinese food to school for lunch, what age would you prefer? or when a neighbor came to speak to your father and, after talking very fast in his own mother tongue, looked at your father condescendingly and asked him in a tone he might use when talking to a five-year-old, "do you understand what i said?" what age would you prefer?
all my other family members, even though they too lived in the u.s. for quite a while, were able to adjust quickly when they came back to taiwan because it was where they grew up. but for someone who was american in every way except for appearance and birthplace, the task of adjusting was not easy. perhaps i would have felt better had i received the encouragement and positive attention that "popular image" americans do when they perform simple tasks most chinese were used to everyday, such as using eloquent or "fashionable" language, knowing how and when to haggle, the proper way to greet and make conversation with the different people you meet everyday... i didn't even know that when they play "fur Elise" it means it's time to take out the trash. but i could tolerate such things because i wanted to learn them, if such chinese survival skills were what made a chinese person chinese. what i could never get used to was the way "popular image" americans were applauded when they spoke the same language i was struggling with and did the same things i was learning to do. it was mythical the way waiters and cashiers were always friendlier and more patient when they were serving a white customer.
so, white americans are treated better in their own country AND in a foreign country? people speak to them in their own language in their own country AND in a foreign country? they don't MAKE these things happen; we LET these things happen because we think of ourselves as lower or not as advanced as they are. (some people have tried to make me feel better about this by telling me that we are being nice to them because they are in a foreign place. but if that is the case, why do so many people discriminate against foreign laborers and vietnamese wives?) and so i envy those white americans who are taken for who they really are--people think of them as foreigners, so they can behave like foreigners and not feel out of place. (it's ironic that a foreigner in taiwan might feel more at home than i do.)
in america, people treated me like i was american and therefore "one of them" because i spoke perfect english and behaved as an american would in every way. in taiwan, people treat me like i'm taiwanese for probably the same reasons. but even though the people around me already recognize me differently, i fear that i still see myself in the same way. after all these years of trying to prove to myself that i am in fact taiwanese, i realize now, with some degree of horror and disbelief, that i may never "turn into" a taiwanese, that i am and will never cease to be really american. it's like looking into a mirror and seeing a monster. i look like one thing but inside am actually another completely different being. am i an american who has to wake up every morning and learn how to become more chinese because i am "supposed to be" chinese? or am i chinese but just don't know it? or worse yet, am i both?
it's not that i WANT to be treated as an american just to live an easier life. but being treated as a chinese person who has had the "opportunity" to become bilingual (and, therefore, ooh so lucky) is more than i can take. i hope i am not being unappreciative, because i do enjoy having two mother tongues, but i know that if i could go back in time and choose for myself, i would stay where i belong and not move until i have already developed a set picture of who i am.
because there is nothing worse than losing yourself.
6.23.2006
6.22.2006
hitori gatari
i took a look at some of my previous posts and realized that they've been sorta.. misleading. :\ it's not really that bad here, in fact, life has been treating me pretty good and i'm adjusting ok. but sometimes i DO miss home (if i may call cupertino home, that is) and when i do, this blog becomes the only way to let negative emotions out.
so just in case anyone still reads this blog, i just thought i should paint a more "realistic picture" by blogging more about NORMAL stuff.
ironically, i'm in finals hell right now and also in a pretty good mood.
i wonder what everyone is doing after graduating from college. most of my friends here in tw want to go to grad school. haven't been using aim so haven't been talking to people... not in real time at least. but i do use msn! so add me if you see this: Shelley508@hotmail.com
sadly, will not be visiting u.s. during the summer. i have a feeling it will be quite a while before i go to the u.s. again. :(
so just in case anyone still reads this blog, i just thought i should paint a more "realistic picture" by blogging more about NORMAL stuff.
ironically, i'm in finals hell right now and also in a pretty good mood.
i wonder what everyone is doing after graduating from college. most of my friends here in tw want to go to grad school. haven't been using aim so haven't been talking to people... not in real time at least. but i do use msn! so add me if you see this: Shelley508@hotmail.com
sadly, will not be visiting u.s. during the summer. i have a feeling it will be quite a while before i go to the u.s. again. :(
2.08.2006
dreams and thoughts
i've been having weird dreams about friends back in the states for several nights now. last night i dreamt about tyson, the night before chrissy, and some nights before i saw charlton and angela. maybe it just means i miss you guys. but i think there's more.. i feel like i'm losing some part of myself slowly, and before i know it, i'd turn my head and find that part of myself completely disappeared. just vanished into thin air. and it makes me so scared to think this way, but there's nothing i can do to make things better.
i'm stuck in one place and not going anywhere. and i'm all alone.
i'm stuck in one place and not going anywhere. and i'm all alone.
12.17.2005
correction
apparently my previous post was a little bit misleading.. "sex on the beach" is a drink. i didn't actually have sex, and to do it on a beach would be too cold at this time of the year. ;)
but i love how the name always misleads people. i remember when cys went touring in france and some of us snuck out to go to this pub.. i ordered my second sex and people started shouting, "shelley wants more sex!"
haha. there you go kaka. don't worry i'm still saving myself for you. *muah*
but i love how the name always misleads people. i remember when cys went touring in france and some of us snuck out to go to this pub.. i ordered my second sex and people started shouting, "shelley wants more sex!"
haha. there you go kaka. don't worry i'm still saving myself for you. *muah*
12.16.2005
almost xmas!
it's a week before christmas and everywhere i go i hear jingle bells! went to a jazz club/pub today (brown sugar) and it was great! except i spent a week's worth of food money tonight.. but the music was definitely worth it. i also tried sangria for the first time and sex on the beach (the nth time!), but i think i still like sex better. haha :D
think i'm gonna go dancing for christmas and new year's eve.. but maybe not both. my friends all seem to be taken for christmas eve.. apparently it's supposed to be a "couples" night. :( i despise how some holidays in taiwan just become another form of valentine's. especially when i don't have a valentine.
so what is everyone else doing for christmas? when does everyone's christmas vacations start? this blog is becoming kind of lonely..!
think i'm gonna go dancing for christmas and new year's eve.. but maybe not both. my friends all seem to be taken for christmas eve.. apparently it's supposed to be a "couples" night. :( i despise how some holidays in taiwan just become another form of valentine's. especially when i don't have a valentine.
so what is everyone else doing for christmas? when does everyone's christmas vacations start? this blog is becoming kind of lonely..!
11.25.2005
updates!
i hate missing thanksgiving. there's no turkeys and no giving thanks to things (even though we're supposed to do it all the time). and at this time of the year it's supposed to feel family-mushy-like isn't it?
after, what, four months, the 40-year-old virgin is finally playing in taiwan. i remember i missed that because of stupid jet lag when i visited.
this year i would like to spend xmas and/or new year's eve in a more college student fashion.
oh and does anyone know people in the fashion industry?
after, what, four months, the 40-year-old virgin is finally playing in taiwan. i remember i missed that because of stupid jet lag when i visited.
this year i would like to spend xmas and/or new year's eve in a more college student fashion.
oh and does anyone know people in the fashion industry?
9.30.2005
busy
school is SUPER busy and tiring.. especially this year because it's the third year, and you're supposed to be having deep conversations and thoughts in japanese. also, because japan is so related to china, it doesn't help that i lack the solid background in chinese history/literature that everyone else has.
went to see the vivienne westwood exhibit with evan today! it was FABULOUS. i think my favorite would be this one dress that was made of RUBBER. it looked like the one monica bellucini(?) wore in matrix II or III, but it was white. and i don't know if it was the way the light hit on the dress, but the entire thing, jacket and skirt, looked like very much edible white chocolate. :P
i wish i had courage like westwood's to do whatever i felt like and not care about what anyone else thought. and to eventually find a husband who shares the same passions i do and supports me in my work and play.
went to see the vivienne westwood exhibit with evan today! it was FABULOUS. i think my favorite would be this one dress that was made of RUBBER. it looked like the one monica bellucini(?) wore in matrix II or III, but it was white. and i don't know if it was the way the light hit on the dress, but the entire thing, jacket and skirt, looked like very much edible white chocolate. :P
i wish i had courage like westwood's to do whatever i felt like and not care about what anyone else thought. and to eventually find a husband who shares the same passions i do and supports me in my work and play.
8.15.2005
here are the dates
i will be in cupertino from 8/19-29! it's all confirmed and everything.
if you will also be in tino during this period and want to meet up or want me to bring something for you from taiwan, email me at my new and better email address Shelley508@gmail.com (i still check the old one though!)
the list is getting bigger and bigger already so hurry before i regret this offer! ;)
if it's something urgent and i'm already in tino, call one of the hex people. ^^
if you will also be in tino during this period and want to meet up or want me to bring something for you from taiwan, email me at my new and better email address Shelley508@gmail.com (i still check the old one though!)
the list is getting bigger and bigger already so hurry before i regret this offer! ;)
if it's something urgent and i'm already in tino, call one of the hex people. ^^
6.30.2005
tumbleweed
is the name of my new hairstyle!
it was really short before but then i cut it even shorter and dyed and permed it. so now it's a big fuzzy ball but not like an afro. i call it the tumbleweed. :D
and it's all for free! it's a promotional thing for their website, so all i have to do is do some poses and let them take pictures and put it on their website. i saved about.. $3000 NT at least!! ^^
it was really short before but then i cut it even shorter and dyed and permed it. so now it's a big fuzzy ball but not like an afro. i call it the tumbleweed. :D
and it's all for free! it's a promotional thing for their website, so all i have to do is do some poses and let them take pictures and put it on their website. i saved about.. $3000 NT at least!! ^^
6.26.2005
last one!
tomorrow i'm taking my last final (world economy) and then i'm done! also finish my translation homework and START my report for gay and lesbian film class. and then i'm DONNNEEE!!!!
whee summer here i come.
whee summer here i come.
6.11.2005
i hate finals
finals are this week and next week and next next monday for me. :( boo i hate finals. so i don't get summer until the 27th!!!
summer plans are studying japanese (classes and on own), salsa/ballroom dancing etc., AIESEC stuff (it's a club, i KNOW berkeley has it too even though all of you deny it!), going to japan with mom, and maybe some other little traveling on my own.
so as you can see, most of the time i will be in taipei! that means come visit me!!! :D my english is getting fobbier as the days go by, please someone come rescue me!! >"<
and due to the lack of updates, if you're reading this please tag or just say hi (like dennis, see?). no one ever tags it makes me very sad that no one seems to remember me anymore. :(
and how do you put up pictures?
summer plans are studying japanese (classes and on own), salsa/ballroom dancing etc., AIESEC stuff (it's a club, i KNOW berkeley has it too even though all of you deny it!), going to japan with mom, and maybe some other little traveling on my own.
so as you can see, most of the time i will be in taipei! that means come visit me!!! :D my english is getting fobbier as the days go by, please someone come rescue me!! >"<
and due to the lack of updates, if you're reading this please tag or just say hi (like dennis, see?). no one ever tags it makes me very sad that no one seems to remember me anymore. :(
and how do you put up pictures?
5.30.2005
i got a haircut!
it's super short right now! o.O
btw, anyone coming to taipei over the summer? let me know!
btw, anyone coming to taipei over the summer? let me know!
5.08.2005
4.15.2005
guess what
i downloaded AIM again so maybe that'll help me keep in touch with people. taipei is sometimes the center of everything and sometimes way out of the loop. how funny. i might go to cali over summer, not sure yet, but not many people will be in cupertino it seems! >"<
4.05.2005
so..
no one may be reading this anymore but.. hey i can still write in it right?
sometimes a song would come up or i'd smell something and.. images of tino and of the past would suddenly flash before my eyes (i guess like they do when you die? huh....) . well, i really miss it there.
as much as i miss it there, though, there is nothing you can do but keep putting one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. city life USED to be my thing.. i don't know. living in taipei can be so stressful. everyday there's people people people EVERYWHERE! and you squish around and get bumped around and it's even worse when it rains. ugh. the population density in this city is just TOO MUCH!!!! gahhhh~~~~
today i almost suffocated crossing the street. every breath i took was a different smell, and every breath very very dirty air. bleh.
sometimes a song would come up or i'd smell something and.. images of tino and of the past would suddenly flash before my eyes (i guess like they do when you die? huh....) . well, i really miss it there.
as much as i miss it there, though, there is nothing you can do but keep putting one foot in front of the other and just keep walking. city life USED to be my thing.. i don't know. living in taipei can be so stressful. everyday there's people people people EVERYWHERE! and you squish around and get bumped around and it's even worse when it rains. ugh. the population density in this city is just TOO MUCH!!!! gahhhh~~~~
today i almost suffocated crossing the street. every breath i took was a different smell, and every breath very very dirty air. bleh.
2.15.2005
i miss everybody!
last night i discovered some SHOCKING news. but it's good, i guess. and now i realize you never know the true value of something until you lose it.
ah well. yes, life does go on. :)
taiwan is getting warmer and warmer now. it will be spring soon! yay. and if anyone still reads this tag or comment or something. i hope to go back to the u.s. during summer!
ah well. yes, life does go on. :)
taiwan is getting warmer and warmer now. it will be spring soon! yay. and if anyone still reads this tag or comment or something. i hope to go back to the u.s. during summer!