4.22.2004

things

what am i doing... i don't seem to know anymore. how do you connect the past with the present? how do you cut a worm in half and connect its two halves together again? how do you bring your past life back from the dead and have two different people live in the same body?

i put her to sleep. finally. but she was woken up. in a place where her soul has no body to dwell in. so she comes to haunt me, relentlessly, trying to seep in through the cracks and drive the other one out. i know i long to welcome her, but under the present circumstances, i know i cannot.

but she has no home. half of me is a homeless wanderer.

i woke up, and i wish it was a dream, but it wasn't.
i guess i will never know.
i guess i will always remain the selfish, ignorant person that i am.
i guess i will only know how to receive and never know how to give.
i guess i will never be a complete human being.
i guess ironically, the non-Christian is a better Christian than i will ever be.
i guess i will never know how to love.
i guess i will never know what love is.
i guess i will always be blind to compassion.
i guess i will never be able to know real warmth even when i feel it.

you never see the other side of the moon. but what's worse than that is, the people who DO see the other side sees only that. when i turn to you, you will only be able to see one side. i can't show you the other side, even though i want to. no matter how badly.

why can i never get out of this double life i'm living? i wish i was.. normal. i never thought there would be a day when i wish this wish:

i wish i can be just like everyone else.

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