lately,

i've been sorta living in the new apartment. i don't want to say i've moved in there because i really haven't. my stuff is EVERYWHERE - dorm room, taipei house (parent's, where i'm obligated to go on the weekends because it is so awfully close) and the apartment. so i currently have three toothbrushes, three contacts cases, three sets of shampoo/conditioner, and so on.. it's not very fun at all, because i have to clean everything and all the areas i use, so it really is A LOT OF CLEANING. i feel like that french cleaning hermit crab guy in Finding Nemo. -___-;;

so winter vacation i was living in my parent's house, then moved back into the dorms, two weeks later living in the apartment. i feel like this constant moving around and using all sorts of showers, towels, bedding, even different sets of clothes (!) is getting on my nerves. it gives one a sense of non-belonging. like anywhere i go, i'm not really home, and it seems like the things i need are always in another house.

i want to just settle down in ONE place but that doesn't seem to be possible. why? obviously my parents want me to stay home but that would not only be inconvenient in the transportation way but also in other ways as well. then of course i'd have to keep stuff at the dorms because sometimes i go "back" without going "home." and the apartment place is the most unnecessary one, but it'd be a waste not staying there what with the *new house ta-da* thing and also the nice own bathroom and springy bed. *HUGE sigh* i guess i'm destined to be nomadic, country-wise AND home-wise. it feels weird to be sleeping in four different beds every week.

endure

woohoo~ i spent only 100 NT on food today!! that's less than three dollars! and no i didn't starve myself, in fact they were very full meals. i'm one step closer to my dior girlies... ^^;;

it's strange. sometimes the qualities you know you hate about certain people keep on coming up in everyone you surround yourself with. and then you realize that it is that quality which you hate so much that ties you to them, because it's probably one of the only things you don't have emotional control over. and the less control, the more.. genuinity? but also the more bondage. but then again, sometimes it becomes the glue that holds you together. and you find yourself loving it and hating it.

this is a normal post.

so chrissy says i haven't been doing "normal" blogging. >"< ok here is some "normal-ness"

it's sunday night. tomorrow's monday. start of another busy week. why is it that it seems like i never have enough time for anything?! i hate being busy i hate being busy i hate busy i hate busy i hate busy!!!!

this is me ---> /"\(>_<)/"\ "stopppp!!!!!!!!!"
........................\../........\../
............................().....()
.............................`.....`
. hrm.. i look very fat in this picture.

well the good thing is that i have been getting plenty of sleep. and my face is whiter now!! hahahahahah XD. yeah yeah i know i'm conforming to the whole "white is beautiful" but..

i'm whiter! *^______^*

the apt is almost ready now. after much wiping ad sweeping and hauling and unboxing and assembling... *wipes sweat from eyebrows* taking care of a house is a lot of work!! especially if you're not quite living in it yet.. but! i will be able to move in this week i think? :D of course, i'll still be going back to my dorm room at certain times in the day, so that i don't have to travel back and forth and most importantly, i can still take naps. XD yay yay yay. but i'm so glad to be able to have certain luxuries (that never were luxuries back in high school of course) such as HAVING YOUR OWN BATHROOM!!! hehe and a REAL bed with like.. springs!! ^o^

mm.. what else has been going on? i'd really like to go to berkeley during summer, if i can, for classes. but i'm awkwardly kind of a "visiting domestic student" AND "visiting international student." is a definition of intnl. student one who doesn't have a u.s.a. passport? hrm.. @_@ and i don't really know exactly what classes i want to take.. what if i forget all my japanese! but i don't know if i want to learn japanese in english, seeing as how i'm finally almost adjusted to learning in chinese sorta. but all this is under the assumption that i can GET IN in the first place. what with my grades and all.. ack. my average is 80 pts. which is i guess a B average? blahhhh..... :*(

k i'd better get to studying.. so.. much.. studying.............. and i conclude by giving you a very very very good song. :)

梁靜茹 - 為我好

才知道 你臉上的微笑
不是幸福代表 是種不自在的禮貌
才知道 感情已經動搖
我一直被誤導 是你還不願意揭曉

太多小煩惱 怪我們不懂得拋
太多的問號 答案也都不必找
只換來疲勞 忘了要一起變老

為何要無話可說 才懂沉默比爭吵難熬
為何會在恨消失後 愛還是挽回不了
為何要在疼愛我的時候 才對我說離開我
都是為我好

don't lie to me

maybe there is no meaning in it anymore.

i think certain types of music, however repetitive they can be, might be able to help me rediscover passion. what i want isn't just strong feelings. i need.. wildness, desire, craziness, unruly, hair-messily-sticking-on-face-with-beads-of-sweat-dripping-down kind of passion. call it unorthodox. improper. whatever. things need to be heated back up again.

mind

sometimes i really hate that my head is working properly. i hate my rationality. i hate being sensible. i don't want to reason out something that wasn't meant to be offered an explanation. sometimes i feel like the little passion i show is playacting. but inside, it's cold. nothing can melt it. it can only be chopped up. and maybe if the blade moves fast enough it can begin to liquefy. but even then, it will still be ice-cold.

have i ever truly felt anything? i doubt it... maybe at the moment, i can make myself believe i feel it. but then take away the background image and the costumes and all the props, and it's back to.. normal? reality? without the lighting and the music, it's as if the emotions never existed. it's scary.

and maybe that's why i want to be around you. you give me feeling. even if they are pin pricks.

freedom or enslavement?

freedom to deteriorate
freedom to fall
freedom to be immoral
freedom to lack discipline
freedom to be frowned upon
freedom to disobey
freedom to lack virtue
freedom to self-indulge

"everything in moderation."

everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.

the tiffany song :D

梁靜如 - Tiffany

怎麼回事 突然會
在意起自己 左手的無名指
需要裝飾 些什麼
難道要我提示 情人節不用慶祝
現在我想要 那另一種幸福

櫥窗裡那一只銀白色Tiffany的戒指
天使說戴著它就會 得到祝福
說再多要冷靜三思也不能 阻止
我只想在紅色地毯 跟他跳舞

OH∼我願意
這一句話不停的練習
午後的 那道陽光
對著我說不想繼續遊蕩
多自由 也比不上
鋪滿紅玫瑰的白色禮堂
我知道 愛的形狀
就在無名指的那個地方
閉上雙眼 只是想像
穿上禮服自己的模樣

傻傻看著那櫥窗
夢在裡面發光

v-day

this is simply ADORABLE. i love it! taken from tyson's xanga. XD

valentine's day for a cuber

classes

too lazy to post up my schedule, which is not particularly interesting anyway. but i have 27 hours of class each week! that's 25 units, which is the maximum. and still i seem to be taking only the classes i absolutely should take. and i don't even have math!!

second semester starts monday. i hope i can do better than the last one.

saw this on peter's blog. you guys thought i don't read the blogs on my list, didn'tcha! hohoho.. this is good:


I asked for Strength...
And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong.

I asked for Wisdom...
And God gave me Problems to solve.

I asked for Prosperity...
And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work.

I asked for Courage...
And God gave me Danger to overcome.

I asked for Love...
And God gave me Troubled people to help.

I asked for Favors...
And God gave me Opportunities.

I received nothing I Wanted...
I received
everything I Needed.

round 19

why are human relationships sometimes so difficult to manage? we each bring our own baggage when we meet, and depending on the circumstances, some of us take on other people's baggages, and some of us relieve our burdens. i still have a lot to learn about people in general..

money issues have been bugging me lately as well. having spent the last nine years (and very important years) of my life in wealthy, protected, clean silicon valley, i seem to have been a bit out of touch with the "real world?" yes, monetary comparisons will always exist in life. you can keep running like a rat to try to keep up with the thompsons, or you can be constantly grateful that you have the opportunity to do certain things that are just out of reach without the access to large amounts of money. it's not just the glass half full or half empty question. it's the simple fact that no matter where you stand, there will always be people above and below you. sometimes, it's about more than just how you view your circumstances. it's also about how to handle and manipulate the situation in a way that anyone who stands to try to judge you can be silenced. theoretically, what comes out of their mouth should not affect you. but if you plan to get anywhere in a society which is built on human connections, especially business-wise, you must learn to be harmonious. if it's not an intimate relationship, it should at least be a beneficial (some would say useful or practical) one, yes? and in these cases, some outer appearances and expressions of opinion DO matter. very much.

it's quite scary, but life seems to be composed of endless rounds of a huge competition. so you just keep running.

current obsession: dior girly and shiatzy chen

pink! ^_^

safely

alas, i have safely arrived in taiwan. slept well on the airport. it's raining in taipei right now...

byebye

leaving in.. four hours.

i love cupertino. thank you guys for letting me stay with you and driving me everywhere! it was nice seeing you all again.. seeing you guys makes me feel at home. :)

more thoughts on visit later. goodbye tino until summer!

thought

"It seems to be absolutely true, that our world, which appears to us the surface of all things, is really the bottom of a deep ocean: all our trees are submarine growths, and we are weird, scaly-clad submarine fauna, feeding ourselves on offal like shrimps. Only occasionally the soul rises gasping through the fathomless fathoms under which we live, far up to the surface of the ether, where there is true air. I am convinced that the air we normally breathe is a kind of water, and men and women are a species of fish.

"But sometimes the soul does come up, shoots like a kittiwake into the light, with ecstasy, after having preyed on the submarine depths. It is our moral destiny, I suppose, to prey upon the ghastly subaqueous life of our fellow men, in the submarine jungle of mankind. But our immortal destiny is to escape, once we have swallowed our swimmy cathch, up again into the bright ether, bursting out from the surface of Old Ocean into right light. Then one realises one's eternal nature."

taken from Lady Chatterley's Lover, D.H. Lawrence.

survey quizzie thing *RARE*

hah. saw while surfing xangas (darn xanga! switch to blogger!!). apparently you're supposed to copy paste this into your own and bold the things that apply to you.

1. I can not draw.
2. I have strange eating habits.
3. I am currently obsessed with maroon 5
4. I love xanga
5. I just ate a sandwich
6. I am from a house
7. I was born in October.
8. I enjoy reading.
9. I am not on anti-depressents, yet.
10. I bite my nails like a lil bitch
11. I am in love with Johnny Knoxville.
12. I like English class.
13. I've lost/fucked up my cell phone twice.
14. I hope someday I'll find happiness.[dont get enuff of it]
15. I'm about 5'6"
16. I like sports.[some]
17. I am quick witted.
18. I often stare into nothing.
19. I like board games
20. I appreciate gratitude
21. I can usually sleep even when I'm not tired.
22. I am too lazy.
23. I hate the smell of movie popcorn.
24. I constantly procrastinate.
25. I have never done hardcore drugs before.
26. I drink alcohol.
27. I wish I had better grades.
28. I love chocolate.[at times]
29. Stupid people amuse me.[other times they piss me off]
30. I hate when people judge others without knowing them.
31. I love hot chocolate
32. I like *some* kids
33. I hate cabbage.
34. I dress casually.
35. I am judgmental.
36. I don't have a favorite television show.
37. I'm not a senior in high school.
38. I am single.
39. I go to ECR.
40. I like Garlic Bread. [sometimes]
41. I am an optimist.
42. I love winter.[sometimes]
43. I haven't seen Marilyn Manson in concert.
44. I can be harsh.[i think...]
45. It annoys me when people disrespect nature.
46. I am a hypocrite.[somtimes]
47. I wish i could vote in the 2004 presidential election.
48. I am trustworthy.
49. I wish I could play guitar or sing.
50. I want to get my hair cut.
51. The silence after a long discussion when you're trying to think of what to say next is terrible.
52. I burn my own cd's.[sometimes]
53. I am not passive.
54. The best thing about a guy is his personality.
55. I often put others before myself.
56. I hate it when I don't understand what the lyrics of a song mean.
57. My mother is a fucking bitch. [ that's mean]
58. I am currently smoke-free.
59. I'm half korean and half white.
60. Stupid people really confuse me.
61. I like showers.
62. I love surprises.
63. I'm not fond of confrontation.
64. Sometimes I laugh about absolutely nothing.
65. The known makes me uneasy.
66. I am perfectly comfortable with knowing that I will eventually die.
67. I hate cold showers.
68. I speak just to fill silence.[sometimes]
69. I am afraid of not having control over my future.
70. I wish I could visit New York.
71. I like to keep life exciting.
72. I have ran into a tree.
73. I have walked into windows.
74. I like looking at and taking pictures
75. I don't know how to play pool.
76. My favorite sport to watch is basketball.
77. I learn song lyrics quickly.
78. I like candles.
79. I like school sometimes.
80. I am annoyed by phony people.
81. I have studied one language besides English in my life.
82. I don't have a favorite color.[i got more than one]
83. I am avoiding homework, thats why I am doing this.
84. I usually hold doors.
85. I have 1 sister. [do step sisters count?]
86. I don't like when people brag.
87. I had a bad camping experience.
88. I really want to find love.
89. I like people with a really good sense of humor.
90. I like taking my time, yet I'm impatient with others.
91. I was just on the phone.
92. I like color coordinating my clothes.
93. My hair is brown.
94. I have never dyed my hair.
95. I reminisce to myself a lot.
96. I am fond of Dave Matthews Band.
97. I don't know who Saul Williams is.
98. I am not a needy person.
99. My bedroom is always messy.
100. I don't like some fancy jewelry.

oh and i think i'm going to get my ears pierced before i go back to taiwan.. maybe more sanitary here? heh..heh..

wow

oh my gosh.. i think this is what we will be performing around mid-march.. it's where the entire japanese major puts on a whole bunch of performances (every major in NTU does this freshman year).

can you say FOB?

alright so i admit it.. i do think it's kind of cute. ^^;;

bullet points

today was fun. went to san francisco and guess what? ate CRABS!!!! *^____^* i don't know why eating crabs make me so happy. i don't have to repeat what we did because you can now read it on xtina's blog. but some highlights:

- "candid" pictures
- every asian guy has a black jacket
- shoulder types
- 3 for $25.. meaning if i get two, i get one free?!
- "let's count the piers!"
- the crab's claw helping itself get eaten (by me)
- what did you get at jcrew? "what you got at VS" um... i don't think so...
- thousand-year-old eggs
- right ear migi no mimi
- finding another size that has become too small..
- comparing femurs, later on finding mine was shorter by two inches
- trotting to catch up every few seconds
- to alex: "spread"
- my habit of taking care of everyone's gifts by buying a whole box of individually wrapped items
- the chinese apron/undergarment fashion show
- "can i have a cup of water?"
- "we'd probably go faster if someone just picked you up and carried you"
- furutsuzeri... oh fruit jelly!!
- i don't think the fish like oatmeal...

there was much more but i should go to sleep now.. in christina's nice big warm comfortable soft bed BECAUSE SHE IS TOO STUBBORN TO LET ME SLEEP ON THE COUCH FOR A CHANGE! heheheheheh... "cramped beds.."

on an ending note for me to ponder upon.. do we determine our environments or do our environments determine us?

alternate

so far i would have to say that this break was nice and very badly-needed.. and it's been interesting seeing what COULD have been. so i guess it wasn't one of those robert-frost-two-roads-diverged-in-a-yellow-wood kind of choices. it was another road which stemmed from the "main road." and now i'm looking at the main road, not from where i left off but at the exact place i would be if i had walked it all along. just for fun, i've been imagining another "shelley" living here, living a berkeley life. imagining the friends i'd make, the classes i'd have trouble in or have fun with, where my hangouts might have been... and it becomes not a matter of regret or no regrets, but just seeing the consequences of your decision playing like a movie in front of you.. see, we don't really get that chance much, to see what would have happend if you made another choice? so i guess i'm lucky. i get to see my non-existent alternate life.

i'm in tino!!! yay yay yay! :D last night had huge crab dinner and today i slept till noon~~ -___-;;

angela's dorm is so niiiiiiiice!!! *carpeting*!

>"<

oh man.. talk about being un-updated.

notes

tentative schedule~

17 (sat)---arrive in s.f. (2:30 pm)
17-20------tino, then to berkeley?
20 (tue)---arrive in davis
30 (fri)-----back to berkeley/tino (charlton: 1/30night - 2/2)
2/1 (sun)--off to airport, night


AM Departures
41 Passenger Bus
7:30 a.m. leave UCD
9:00 a.m. arrive UCB*
11:30 a.m. leave UCB
1:00 p.m. arrive UCD

PM Departures
41 Passenger Bus
2:15 p.m. leave UCD
3:45 p.m. arrive UCB*
6:30 p.m. leave UCB
8:00 p.m. arrive UCD*

ARGHS

j aoiwjfoaidjofaiejofaejofaejoaiwejfoaejoaiwej oi

>"< i can't connect to aim anymore!! the school's having connection problems and dorm net isn't working half the time and they've come up with some temporary solutions for connecting to out-of-the-country websites and msn and yahoo messenger but NO ONE USES AIM so i am left with.. no connection. GAHHHHH!!!!

*edit* problem solved. yay. :D

for you

過完冬季

收到你的信 帶來最近你的消息
忙碌生活裡 唯一的驚喜 像一顆興奮劑
南方陽光滿地 台北走進飄雨冬季
你說別忘記 早晚加件衣

常常在夜裡 我把回憶反覆溫習
像認真的孩子 寫完日記才能夠 安心的到夢裡
每個心中秘密 都在夢裡一一甦醒
燃燒身邊寒冷的空氣 溫暖到天明

過完這個冬季 你是否一如往昔
恨不得睜開眼就能聞到夏日氣息
過完這個冬季 愛你的心更加確定
寫信告訴你 台北也好天氣

one more week.. i wonder what my old house looks like now.

孫燕姿 - 這一刻

這一刻 回頭看見自己
這一路的風景 百感交集的我
下一刻 又將飛向那裡
漸漸疲憊的羽翼 為你披上了勇氣

放心離開我 我會記得這一刻
那些還飛翔著 不可思議的夢
雨後的天空 會有絢爛的彩虹
像最初相信著 我們終會找到 自由

這一刻 時間變成行李
越過生命悲喜 陪伴著我前進
因為你 讓我看清自己
面對未知的恐懼 腳步更加堅定

放心離開我 我會記得這一刻
那些還飛翔著 不可思議的夢
雨後的天空 會有絢爛的彩虹
像最初相信著 我會找到 自由

喔 只是遠行 不是逃避
告別是為延續回憶永恆的華麗
你 要照顧自己 不要忘記
那些燦爛過的痕跡


i'm as worried as you are.

confused

considering the fact that all my finals are a whole week earlier than i had expected them to be, and that my first two finals are two days away, i really should be speaking/writing/hearing japanese right now instead of english (or chinese for that matter).

but anyway, i feel like blogging.

as the date of my going back to the states creeps closer and closer, i find my urge to go back becoming stronger and stronger. not that i don't like it here, but there are certain things that i just don't think i can ever get used to. it's a necessary part of life to often times forget about the past, simply because your mind needs to be occupied by the present and the future. but at the rare times when the past comes back, maybe not to haunt you but to.. nudge its nose at you, you start to pay attention to it. and then you sort of re-discover its existence and the impact it STILL has in your life. going back home, i think this happens with every college freshman.. the total and sudden change in environment. you find yourself surrounded by things you used to know, and somehow it's all familiar and strange at the same time. you miss it, but you know you can't forever bask in its glorious past-ness.

i'm not sure if i'm making sense because my english is really becoming horrible as the days go by. the frustrating thing is that i'm not sure if i'll make more or less sense if i said it all in chinese. but at least it would be better than if i had to do it five months ago.

whenever i visit alex's blog i'm welcomed by pictures. pictures of the past. sometimes i see myself. and it's weird because even though i still look the same, i come face to face with a person that i USED to be. i'm not just MORE [insert adj. here], i'm just NOT [insert same adj. here]. i don't know if my american-ness will ever come back to me, maybe if i live in america again i'll become american again? or maybe it's never left me, but just hibernating in some part of me. all i know is, they can't co-exist. or at least, not co-displayed. my gosh all that bio gene expression thing just all of a sudden came back to me. >"< ew go away go away away away!

sometimes i wish i could just be one thing. and not shifting from one thing to another, back and forth. i don't think i'm a mammal, i think i'm an amphibian, because i'm too easily affected by my environment. it's a good thing because i can adjust. but it's a bad thing because i'd like to know what i'd be like sans-environment. of course, there is ALWAYS some sort of an environment, so that is impossible. then again, are we defined by our lifestyles? this is a problem that just keeps on re-surfacing in my mind. can you really just live an entire life not minding what you are but just simply knowing how you're living it? like a crayon that doesn't know what color it is itself, but all that matters is what's being drawn with it?

i am confused. crayon would like to know its color.

2004

Happy New Years everybody!!

i'm going to break my tradition of not making new year's resolutions:
have compassion

by the way

did i ever mention that one of my pet peeves is being around people who take themselves too seriously?

life is funny, sort of like a big comedy show. laugh with it. laugh at yourself. in the end everything will sort of just even out on its own, i've seen it happen so many times..

XD

there is something undeniably satisfying about running into people you know everywhere you go. college is great. :D

ohayo~

hey.. it's morning.

when i went downstairs to get some breakfast, i noticed that the sun was shining in my eyes. in other words, it was on the other side of the sky, the side i'm not used to seeing it on. a sign that i should start WAKING UP in the morning instead of going to sleep in the morning. (yeah, lately i've been living like a moon - only up when it's dark)

i was thinking about what it's going to be like when i go back in a few weeks.. i'm actually kind of worried. am i what people call a "fob" now? i sort of have always been called one, but maybe what i used to be was only.. half a fob. and now maybe i'm.. fob made from concentrate. but then i looked at myself in the mirror and i don't see any difference between what i looked like before i left and now.

then i'm also worried about english. my english has been getting.. just worse and worse. this is really bugging me that i can't express myself as well in english as the days go by. although my chinese has improved, the improvement isn't enough to cover my.. de-provement in english. hrm.

life is good here. it's different. certainly not what i've always been used to, like the placement of the sun in the morning. but like i said, i should be getting up earlier, shouldn't i?

eighteen

sometimes it feels like i'm walking on a road with no signs and no compass in my backpack. there are no signs telling you "wrong way" or "detour" or "rest stop next exit." but similarly, there are no speed limits or traffic lights. so everything really becomes.. what you make of it.

陶吉吉 - 二十二

春天是她最愛的季節
當微風隨意吹亂她的頭髮
她並不在意身邊世界的吵雜
只想著自己生命中的變化
還有十五分鐘才午休
從早到晚沒有想像中那麼好過
安定的日子不一定就是幸福
忘不掉她在心裡做過的夢

她今年農曆三月六號剛滿二十二
剛甩開課本要離開家看看這世界
卻發現許多煩惱要面對 Oh yeah
她常會嚮往能回到那年她一十二
只需要好好上學生活單純沒憂愁
她就像一朵蓓蕾滿懷希望
秋天是忽然間就來臨
青春雖然有本錢可以灑脫
一場戀愛二十二個月後結束
才知道有些感情不值得賭
九月天氣還是有點熱
她想公車再不來就走一走路
她開始明白等待未必有結果
一個人也能走上夢的旅途

她今年農曆三月六號剛滿二十二
剛甩開課本要離開家看看這世界
卻發現許多煩惱要面對 Oh yeah
她常會嚮往能回到那年她一十二
只需要好好上學生活單純沒憂愁
她一直滿懷希望
人生偶爾會走上一條陌路
像是沒有指標的地圖

別讓他們說妳該知足
只有妳知道什麼是妳的幸福
她常會嚮往能回到那年她一十二
只需要好好上學生活單純沒憂愁
她笑著想過未來
Oh 她應該得到幸福
如此的簡單的夢
有沒有實現

oh yeah, and also, merry christmas everybody! it doesn't feel a bit like xmas here. arghs. i still have class tomorrow AHHH~~

GOOD NEWS

after repeated begging sessions, the dates are FINALLY set.

JANUARY 17 TO FEBRUARY 2, OH YEAH~~~

i believe this means i'll be in time for: 1)chrissy's bday! 2)before berkeley starts 3)charlton's in tino too and 4)hopefully before davis starts getting busy?

HEHEEHEHEHEHHEHEHEHHEHEHEHEHHE

some things...

never change.

i miss you too stupid.

mosquitos

i hate them. they're the reason i've been up since 6 am. hah. up this early, feels like high school again...

date change

i'll be coming back on feb. 1 and leaving for tw the night of the 8th. price ticket difference, dad paying, what can i say? :(

konbanwa samuidesune~~

nothing's up. just felt like writing. and thinking. in english.

only 10:35 at night! this sort of leisure, especially at this time of night, on a SATURDAY night, is to be treasured. but there is no heater in my room, and i can't take the laptop up on my bed, so here i am, rolled into a tiny little ball with only two hands sticking out, tapping on the little keyboard.

the other day i actually became a "biker chick" and went on a tour of.. the history of my life. hah. ok ok, scooter chick, same difference. you see, NTU is located at gong kuan, which is some distance south of chong shan. so we rode through a fourth of taipei city, going north, from the NTU campus up to my house. as an adventure, not as an errand of course. we were both bored and had a "need for speed" and sick of pre-pre-studying for the final and curious about the big bad city that we live in. *chuckle*

along the way i kept on pointing in all sorts of directions, telling the story of my life, organized from south to north. interesting how as we moved northward, we were also moving back in time.

we started in the present, which is NTU. then we rode a bit and got to the chang kai shek memorial area. i guess you could say it was sort of my playground slash backyard from ages 0 to 9. more northward, taipei main station, where i spent every day of a certain summer practicing drumset. that was probably.. junior high? more northward, almost to my house, KTV's. and the 10th floor of what used to be sogo's (shopping center), yamaha, the place where my love of music was born. to say it was born there may sound a bit exaggerating, and to call my hobby "love of music" sounds a bit overrated, but it's still there. music.

then finally we turned into the little alley and stopped in front of the gate leading up to my home, on the fifth floor. we weren't going in, but i pointed upwards toward the newly remodeled window-box thingy that used to be an inefficient and ignored balcony. so we had gotten to the very beginning of my life. and as we rode back south, we traveled back to the present again. or is it future? i don't know. it doesn't matter.

much like how "fifth avenue" and other various street names in new york city have become famous and almost taken their own personality, street names here have their own pride too. it was interesting that although we were both taiwanese, we were completely susceptible to getting lost. so we tried to remember some road names on the way and at certain times, gasped at the realization, "so yadda-yadda street is here! isn't this where blah-blah-blah can be found?"

it was quite an adventure. self-guided tour of the city at 1 am. freezing, of course, and on an over-speeding motorcycle.

ok fine, scooter. but motorcycle sounds so much cooler doesn't it? ^^;;

now, it is just TOO cold for an island located within the tropic of cancer!! i'm going to go snuggle with myself..

product of a lazy, rainy afternoon

so maybe we've passed through that junior high school depressive phase where we talk about masks we wear in front of people. and then we think we've become all grown up when we finally learned that you can't gain anything without having risked something of yourself that is pure and true. the "having faith in humanity" spiel.

now that's all fine and dandy. but what if you discover that you're wearing masks in front of yourself? frankly, i find the over-used and under-interpreted phrase, "look within yourself" to be very funny. just which one are they talking about? what color, shape, size, or even price range? the spring line or the fall line? or maybe the swimsuit edition?

sometimes i find shopping to be quite addicting.

people lie when they don't want to reveal the truth to the person they're talking to. that is assuming that liars know what the truth is. and what if you don't know the truth? is what you're doing still called "lying" or is it.. hypothesizing? or maybe you're providing examples? drawing one out of the many to talk about.. because you certainly can't leave the conversation just hanging there in midair. at least not with some people.

i see i've reached a dead end. therefore i will start an inventory of the things i see around me.

box of tissues, because free toilet paper deserves an "ooh" here.
japanese tapes, one titled "everyday listening in 50 days" collecting dust, hah.
glasses which don't enough power for my eyes now.
chocolate, the cone-shaped kind with pink tips and brown bottoms. brought by my parents from their trip to hokaido.
aerobics classes schedule taped to the closet.
boombox, for dancing, for jazz, for classical, for jay chow, and of course, for japanese.
chopsticks my roommate gave me because i always forget to take the disposable ones when i buy instant noodles.
an hp printer lying around unused, because i'm too lazy to get it to work.
pocky, "deluxe" version, it's mousse-flavored.
directory of our group in the christian fellowship, also taped to closet.
a pink alarm clock, bought impulsively while shopping with some japanese people.
the white basket i bring with me to the bathroom every morning and night, bought for that stanford camp and still kept well.
index cards for japanese vocabulary words, that i later found to be too time-consuming and inefficient.
cal bear, for warmth, for reminder, for softness.
a receipt from a time i tried to study at mcdonalds but instead, ended up writing a poem all over that small, rectangular, otherwise ignored piece of paper.
copies of the play i'm supposed to be directing in my english class.
dried flowers.
two hairbrushes, one regular and the other round.
lime green plastic blinds.
unoped pack of yellow hard candies shaped like tiny slices of lemon, with a note still attached to the bag, from the wylie-parallel.
tiffany open heart.
mosquito spray.

"you have 4 missed calls."

i like funny

this is how japanese people learn english??? o.O

click here

i took the advanced (126 q's) one..

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test

updates which aren't really

*whew* only one word can describe the last couple of weeks: BUSY.

i'd like to explain "with what?" but that requires going into a lot of other details and things that you just won't understand unless you were taiwanese. so in order not to bore you, i have simply decided to group them all under the huge, indefinite, vague, somewhat abstract category of: interactions.

yup.

so i came online JUST now to read all of your wonderful posts about/around the time of thanksgiving!! yikes i can't believe i completely forgot about that holiday while i'm here! well i admit, i'm a just a tad bit jealous that everyone gets to see everyone while i get to see only a little bit of people when i go back (see dates below). and i will be able to see all the corners of the hexagon EXCEPT CHARLTON YOU BIG DORK!!!!!!! we will just have to form our own little pentagon without you! hmph! (well actually, you all formed all kinds of polygons without me this thanksgiving so.. *sniff*)

i really do miss you all very much though. and i thank god for whoever invented blogger (or the first form of online diary) because your posts are one of the only things which keep me relatively "american." i miss tapX and the hexagon and chilling at starbucks and buying six mcchickens all at once and lounging around on tangy's soft couch and weird green russian beverages and squealing and being skanky but not slutty and chubbi (!) and louduck and buying pudding at yoshinoya and make-overs and lollicup's good chicken + cranky lady and christimas lights in the trees and blasting the radio in the car and being the third wife and and and and so much more..

the closer friends i have here have seen some pictures of me with you guys. they said that when they look at the pictures and hear my explanations of the hexagon and others, it seems as if i have taken them into another world that i used to live in.

i miss that world a lot.

eagerly awaiting January 28. oh btw, i have achieved to do 90% of my thinking in chinese now. and i can understand about 20% of simple japanese shows (i.e. totoro). ^_^V

dates

Jan. 28 to Feb. 9

*dun dun dun*

still my question

things change.

... but why?

links updated.

one boot two boot red boot blue boot

i like boots.

i love my boots.

i love wearing my boots.

i like other boots as well.

i want to buy boots.

i would like to wear other boots.

i love boots.

:D

p.s. knowing the metaphorical style in which i write many "vague" *ahem* entries, this is a note to the reader that this entry should be taken completely literally. I LOVE BOOTS, ok? :)

anniversary, etc.

i seem to always be around people. not that being around people is bad, but i want one of those "alone" days again. where i go through the entire day without interacting with a single person, and by the end i can actually hear myself again. but that's not possible here. i'm annoyed. i'm not allowed to be antisocial!

last midterm tomorrow.. headache problem is getting better. busy week coming up. oh yes last weekend was NTU's 75th anniversary. after the big speech/ceremony there was something like tino's clubs day, but extended and expanded. anyway, i got to dress up in a kimono-like costume for the anniversary because we were "showgirls" trying to sell the mochi and paper dolls we made. here's the link to the pictures site, but again, it's not mine. please excuse my strange expression in the first picture - i had something in my shoe and i couldn't get rid of it with gloves on. the day was a huge success, we sold out before it ended!

mm.. tired.. must study..

hollow

after that chinese test (the ancient chinese literature one), i think i proved to myself that i haven't been doing what i came all the way here to do. i wish i wasn't so concerned with "it" and i would just give it a rest but i can't. is this really the direction i should be searching in?

i feel lost all over again. what am i doing here?

ego

it's really hard not to become egotistic in NTU. people here think "oh my gosh you go to the best school in taiwan you must know EVERYTHING." but that's not true at all. and comparisons within the school STILL exist, even though NTU is the one school every taiwanese high schooler wants to get into. it's not even like, "oh i like this school's blahblah program." it's just, "NTU has the best everything." but still, this creates many misconceptions and makes some students of NTU think that they have already "conquered" knowledge in their lives.

and yet even NTU students are still comparing with other majors that have better or worse scores. like if you say you're a law major, students of NTU would go "ooh" as opposed to if you were, say, a libarary management majors (translation?) student. and even WITHIN the major there is still comparisons, because the roster is ordered by scores, the best being at the top. so that guy (my big "sister") who would have gotten into law is #1, and everyone worships him. it's this icky obsession with the numbers game.

and yet even with all this "NTU is #1" kind of attitude that everyone holds here, when people find out that i would have gone to berkeley if i didn't come here, they still go "oooh." so i don't really understand - the BEST school in taiwan is much much better than a pretty good school in america? how are they evaluating this? and yet it seems to be the unanimous decision. i just don't get it. everyone wants to go outside.

anyway, back to my topic of egotism. even tutoring jobs. the hourly rate of hiring an NTU student as a tutor is about three times as much than the average college student. people here are already making more money than other people of the same age group from the moment they step onto the campus! all of this add to the big egos some NTU students ALREADY have when they found out they got in. it's just a big shining road of arrogance ahead of us. and it's not even valid. there is so much for us to explore we can't begin to say we're the best, so it's worse than arrogance - it's ignorance.

past, present, future

i was browsing some old blog posts of mine.. came across the link to the webpage which told me i had gotten into NTU japanese. i looked at it again just now, but somehow, although all the coding itself never changed, the page looked different to me. it seemed more.. artifact-like? familiar. an "i told you so." it was proof of my first moment of betrayal.

yes, the page is still up after all this time. it seemed as if after the big hype of who got into what, they just left the page there to rot by itself. looking at my own name, written in both chinese and english, and seeing "National Taiwan University" next to it, i remembered the first thought that came to mind when i saw it all.. i remember it distinctly, it struck me like lightening at that crucial moment. from the very first second my mind was made aware of the fact that i had gotten in, i immediately thought,

i'm going to taiwan.

it wasn't an enthusiastic "ooh yay i'm going to taiwan!" or a dreaded "oh my gosh.. i'm going to taiwan?" or a surprised, "what? i'm going to taiwan?" it was just plainly, "i'm going to taiwan." knowing in the back of my head that it wasn't going to be business but neither was it going to be berkeley. it was always something i didn't expect. no, something i didn't want to expect. and yet i knew i wanted to come back here. despite.. all the things i had come to love about america.

so why am i thinking about this all over again? why do i keep thinking about it? i think it's because i'm always going to wonder, what if i had stayed at berkeley? but you know, i'm happy here. and perhaps i would have been even happier had i gone to cal. but i guess if you can't predict the future, you also can't predict an alternate past.

and now the difficult task lies ahead of me. without forgetting, no i'm not going to forget, but without forgetting, i'm going to let go. because i've been holding on too tight. you can't grab something else when you've got your hands full.

you're always going to be my sweet tap water.

rneycdtep

images unseen
voices unheard
don't let the line unravel
tied up is better.

you can swim in the air
walk on water
and fly to the end of the earth
on the day that
tap water becomes sweet.

find a place
for nestling

fall backwards
expect to hit it hard
and crack your skull open
trampoline
arms
sticks and leaves

empty space.
keep falling
nothing spilled out yet.

...and how long does it take for a flower to wilt?

incorrect

hanging above it all was a curse. cursed since the very beginning.

response

*aHEM*

i can see that the 10/28 post has generated much angry response from members of the cockier sex (not that i didn't expect it). however, i would like to inform my dear readers that as anti-male as i can be at times, that post had to do with a particular incident which made me much more aware (a little more than i wanted) of the simple fact that GUYS HAVE DICKS. and many do not think before acting on behalf of them. and considering that, unfortunately, every guy i meet that is at least my age is stronger than i am, i really don't think the 10/28 post was out of bounds.

besides, i could write whatever i want. HA. sue me.

going right along.. i saw this on ricky's blog:

...girls are bitching about how there are no good guys around. That's what happens when you live in a shitty country like everywhere but America...

i agree that bitching about the lack of nice guys around and sincerely meaning every word said would be quite foolish. but first of all, that post i believe you're referring to is NOT about there being no good guys around. hastily drawn conclusions often lead to such mistakes. secondly, although i'm not quite sure which country can be called "my country," i DO get offended when you imply that "Taiwan (being everywhere but America) is a shitty country." if it's so shitty, why are you struggling to learn its national language? in fact, why would you ever want to understand any other culture if we're all so "shitty?" yes, i admit, if we were at war with America we would definitely be the weaker side, but i don't think the "degree of shittiness" of a country is solely dependent upon its national defense.

and i'm keeping that controversial 10/28 up. go ahead and cast the first stone.

hehe i miss you two

i was browsing alex's picture page and i just really wanted to put this picture up for the heck of it. hehe hope you don't mind alex. ^^;;

chicago - razzle dazzle

give them the old razzle dazzle
razzle dazzle 'em
give 'em an act with lots of flash in it
and the reaction will be passionate
give 'em the old hocus pocus
bead and feather 'em
how can they see with sequins in their eyes?

what if your hinges are all rusting?
what if, in fact, you're just disgusting?
razzle dazzle 'em
and they'll never catch wise!

give 'em the old razzle dazzle
razzle dazzle 'em
give 'em a show that's so splendiferous
row after row will grow vociferous
give 'em the old flim flam flummox
fool and frature 'em
how can they hear the truth above
the roar? roar, roar, roar

throw 'em a fake and a finagle
they'll never know, you're just a bagel
razzle dazzle 'em
and they'll beg you for more!

give 'em the old double whammy,
daze and dizzy 'em
back since the days of old methusaleh
everyone loves the big bamooz-a-ler
give 'em the old three ring circus
stun and stagger 'em

when you're in trouble, go into your dance
though you are stiffer than a girder
they'll let you get away with murder
razzle dazzle them
and you've got a romance

give 'em the old razzle dazzle
razzle dazzle them
show 'em the first rate sorcerer you are
long as you keep 'em way off balance
how can they spot you got no talents?

razzle dazzle 'em razzle dazzle 'em
razzle dazzle 'em
and they'll make you a star!

GUYS ARE FUCKING IDIOTS. YOU'D ALL BE SMARTER IF YOU HAD YOUR DICKS CUT OFF.

woohoo less biking for me

it is official. i am now a biker chick.

ok, ok. bicycle chick. same difference..

but somehow i knew that my biking days were not THAT long. i now have.. *dun dun dun* my very own passenger seat. but in case you, my dear reader, is getting ideas again, as you all have a habit of doing, he is completely off limits. and don't worry, i will still get my thigh work-out from climbing 80 steps of stairs at least twice everyday (dorm).

oh and everyone studies so hard here for midterms! you'd think taiwanese colleges are all about play but.. not here. and i am VERY pleased with their efficiency. totally lives up to the "play hard, work hard" motto.

they

they are each in their own place. each have their own stories to tell. each have stories they wish they could tell.

and as time slowly passes them by, they each see things, people, come and go. and they are watching. watching for any signs of these things and people stopping. but nothing and no one stops for them. and they are passing, too. in this stream of tasks. stream of consciousness. stream of everyday. stream which keeps flowing no matter what. and they are carried along in that stream, and they float like a log with it, turning left, turning right, at times buried underneath, at times bouncing up and out of the water. sometimes they go fast, sometimes they go slow, and sometimes they are stuck in a whirlpool going very fast but getting nowhere at all. but they are each moving. continuously and interminably.

where are they headed to? for now, that's not a question to be answered. because there is only one way. they have chosen this path, and now they must each walk it. or swim? perhaps float. the current carries them, and they are each part of it. they are the ones who keep it moving.

the women of the river. i hope we don't drift apart.

shelley is going to burst

shelley is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst is going to burst.

indecision. why can't i wake up from this dream..

oii

it's times like these when i wonder why i didn't go for a more science-y/math-based major. i've forgotten how much memorization is involved in learning a language... o.O *dizzy*

next best thing

so if i can't become a biker chick, i'll go for the next best thing..

scooter chick? >_^

O.S.

they always look at you when they think you don't know they're looking. but you always know when they're looking. and in a way you're looking at them. looking at you. but maybe.. they knew you were looking too, all along?

one month

dorm life is getting better and better every day. and it was already pretty good in the beginning. today we celebrated one of our roomie's bday. we got a cake for her! and i put my chair in the middle and we used it as the cake table and we sang happy bday and blew candles and everything! haha ok i sound kinda dumb getting excited over such simple little things, but my roomies are really cool people. and considering the fact that no one really has much of a "dorm life" here (everyone stays out until they have to shower and sleep), i'm really lucky to have my roommates.

yesterday we talked until almost 4 am. at first it was about my roomie's soon-to-be lover, then it went to.. just a whole bunch of things. haha.. they're great people. :)

this is such a happy post. but i've been really happy here, despite my not-so-happy sounding posts previously. i mean, life is treating me well, i can't complain much. the only things i'm worried about right now are the upcoming midterms, and how well i do depends on me (not luck or circumstances).

i had complained about not having guy friends but i don't really think that's a problem now. one because i've made some guy friends, and two because girl friends do just as much (and maybe more than) guy friends do.

oh yeah today was our "uniform day" for the jap major. so everyone wore their high school uniforms, and since i had no uniform, this guy who had an incredibly thin waist and generally small body frame lent me his. it was funny wearing a guy uniform. and since they had their names embroidered onto their shirts, and this guy had a particularly "scholarly" name, everyone commented on it. (ie, my chinese teacher)

tomorrow afternoon we're going to talk to our interior designer. he's really only designing my sister's condo, i just get him to do the ceiling, lighting, and walls. heh..heh.. and furniture-shopping is fun. except i'm not buying much..

and now i'm heading home for the weekend. i think the jap major ppl are all going to dan shui for like.. a "major day trip" on sunday. not sure if i should stay home and study?? :-/

so yes, i've been in school for a month. and this is my first month update!

dream

row, row, row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily
life is but a dream

"fled is that music:--do i wake or sleep?" (Keats, Ode to a Nightingale)

imagine it as if you're only dreaming. then all of it seems to become okay. acceptable. normal. there are no two roads diverged, just one. close your eyes and walk them both.

prelude

i may not know the rules of the game..

but i think i'm winning anyway.

dialogue II

he liked to be my big sister.

when you meet someone you can really talk to, i mean REALLY talk to, you just know. and your conversation consists of only the handful of words necessary. and it's strange, because when you realize you can really talk to someone, that's when the talking seems to fade and become obsolete.

not big brother. big sister.

perhaps he doesn't consider himself "man" enough to be a brother, but he knew enough about certain things that circle in the female mind, enough for him to refer to himself as my big sister.

i don't exactly know when it started, the strange big sister/little sister relationship. i suppose my need for a guy to just be a friend and nothing more was the exact complement for his guy-trapped-in-a-female-body syndrome. oh right, and the fact that he already has a fiancee should also be noted.

well then, does he still count as a "guy" friend? at least biologically, yes. that's good enough for me for now.

so one night, we were talking, as usual. it almost feels exhilirating, knowing that words compose only the surface of the ocean of conversation. we didn't need many of them, and even less considering the chinese language is such a concise one.

"so that's why i have to leave." i didn't want to, of course. but unending dialogue would be an indulgement for another night.

"hmm?"

"to wake up tomorrow morning and do this. and not know why. but i do it anyway. and i won't stop until i find out why i'm doing it." i was telling the truth.

"child, find yourself."

this was the best translation i could come up with for what he said. and even though we were the same age, it didn't feel strange at all that he called me "child." and why did it not occur to me that all of this, everything i've been doing, can all be summed up in this one line he spoke?

"so hard." 2.

"i know. i'm looking too. i know."

being something we're not. not being something we're supposed to be. what. the doubt which plagues us acted as our glue.

blind leading the blind? perhaps. but it felt more simply like.. blind walking beside the blind.

and it feels pretty good.

dialogue

"well, then can you come with me to find a seat then?"

i chuckle and tease. "what, you're afraid to look for seats by yourself?"

"i just don't like being alone." something i rarely hear from people. why?

"but doesn't it annoy you that you can't hear yourself think when you're not alone?"

"no.. i'm afraid of being by myself."

"well.. sometimes i am too. but aren't you planning on studying abroad after you graduate?"

"then i'd have to spend a lot of time alone. and i'd cry a lot. because i wouldn't know anyone there at first."

"oh..."

ughh

why does it seem like everyone who's just been exposed to "the college scene" has some sort of scandalous story to tell? does college really have to be that.. sexually explicit? it's as if we're all bunnies that have been trapped inside a cage all our lives, and we've just been freed from our cage to the outside world and instead of starting to learn about the world OUTSIDE the cage we choose to stay beside it and reproduce. mate like crazy. like bunnies. and it's as if that's all we can do and all we know how to do and even if we don't want to other bunnies will come up behind you and *woop* there it goes.

and everyone is trying to use that to replace something they've been lacking.. but it's not really what they're searching for. and it won't be fulfilling. but it's only until after the mad mating season that the bunnies will know..

hrm. i'm quite annoyed with the nonexistent morale. not that i'm much better but i'd like to think i'm making an effort? *sigh*

chicago

i went music-shopping with one of the very few guy friends i've managed to make. btw, why are good guy FRIENDS so hard to find?! isn't pure friendship nice? like alex and charlton, see why can't i find guys like you guys!? (there, there *strokes ego*)

so anyway, the music-shopping. it was with that tutor guy i wrote about last time. he's almost like one of those professional conversationists, if there even is such a thing. like, you can talk to him about anything, and he can probably whip up some profound opinion. and if it happens to be a topic he doesn't know much about (which is a rare occurence), then in just a few minutes he can already.. grasp the swing and sway of the conversation and again provide incredible insight.

ahh anyway, the music-shopping!! i bought the chicago soundtrack!! muahahaha.. i couldn't resist. and CD's are much cheaper in tw so it's even MORE tempting!!! it was about 10 U.S dollars. hehe :P

i just came back from a two-day trip with the christian fellowship on campus that i'm currently in. it's a really good group. i hope they will eventually become the group of people i can really share things with and be myself around. it's not that i haven't been myself, but i've been very confused about who exactly "myself" is. so until i figure THAT out, i have yet to figure how to BE that self.

hmm.. anyway, i really like the chicago CD.

you can like the life you're living
you can live the life you like
you can even marry harry
and mess around with ike

and that's good, isn't it?
grand, isn't it? great, isn't it?
swell, isn't it? fun, isn't it?
but nothing stays

in fifty years or so
it's gonna change, you know
but, oh, it's heaven
nowadays

routine

wake up wishing i had gone to sleep earlier last night.
class.
lunch with jap friends.
class. class. class.
dinner.
aero or fellowship.
more dinner. i eat a lot.
shower.
talk to ppl on BBS even though i should be memorizing vocab.
keep talking to ppl even though i should go to sleep.
finally drag myself to sleep.
wish i had gone to sleep earlier.

rinse and repeat.

i hate straight guys.

mr. blog, remember my complaints about not having guy friends? well... it turns out that half of my wish was granted. there's the guy part. but er not so much the friend part. that makes a REALLY BIG difference.

i find that in the little tiny circle of guys that i know, i like to hang out with ones who are either taken or gay. or both. it's so much easier to talk to them. they don't have that little cloud above their head. the little cloud every person has when they're available. VERY available. available to a point where you wish they weren't so very.. available.

completely incoherent ramblings. so much for that updated you wanted alex. sorry. i've been breaking promises and making bad decisions and hiding from people and wishing sometimes that i wore a sign that said.. "I'M NOT LOOKING FOR A BOYFRIEND."

if you find this particular post to be offensive and/or that i sound really arrogant and self-centered, it's because i've had enough of guys who look at you like you're a stock option.

in conclusion,
I HATE GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! >_<

YOU ALL SUCK. THE WORLD SHOULD BE DOMINATED BY WOMEN.

:o

*drool*

back in love with jay. aahhhh.. memorized by song..

oh jay, you and i were meant to be. i'm so sorry i forsook you and let your CD collect dust all these months.

為什麼我對你說的話
你.. 都聽不懂..?

following the christina party train~ oh yea~~~


Which Part of a Meal Are You?Find out!

don'ts

oh oh and one more thing

note to guys who have a particular target in mind, and who actually want the girl to like him back:

1. do NOT follow her around
2. do NOT outright tell her you're "interested" in her when you've only first met
3. do NOT keep sending her messages if she's not replying
4. do NOT keep waiting around for her if she looks like she's going to go somewhere with her GIRL friends
5. do NOT keep STARING at her, it will freak her out

*nod*nod* words of advice. he actually seems like a pretty nice person but when you do the above five things, it's.. sorry. :(

fun and games

this is definitely mr. blog-worthy.

so i went to a dance tonight. it was for the colleges of liberal arts, engineering, agriculture, and management. my first time at a taiwan dance!!! woohoo~~ well, it wasn't far from our normal american dances, except they served alcohol at a school-sponsored event. uh not sure how american colleges do it??? cuz apparently here the legal drinking age is 18. yet you can't vote until 20. strange huh?

well they threw out glowing bracelets like crazy.. and they had this big giant beachball. it was HUGE. you could probably fit four of me in there. anyway they bounced it on top of the huge crowd and everyone kinda got to hit it like a volleyball. at first it was fun but then it just kept on.. bouncing.. around.. and it was like.. ok i get the point. but everyone else kept on jumping up to try to hit it so er.. *shrug*

taiwanese people are more conservative, but only in general. i mean, the people who really danced ARE very very good dancers and they really "get the party going." but the majority kinda just compose the circle around those really good dancers. ooh and i went up on stage w/ a buncha friends!! haha..

they had these lil round stickers that they give to everyone. they said you can stick them on the people who you liked and wanted to get to know more. soooooo this resulted in this one guy getting like completely buried in lil round stickers. hahha.. i got like... five or six. but it's not what you guys think!! it was all in good, clean fun. ^_^

however, contrary to popular belief (haha yeah right), shelley's life is not all fun and games. *serious tone* i have actually been studying quite a lot! not japanese.. -___-;; but chinese. i'm learning to read wen yan wen (old chinese? as compared to old english?) better now.. it's so hard it gives me so many headaches. *sigh* that genius tutor guy is helping a lot. we spent a whole hour on like.. 8 sentences of shi ji, which is written completely in wen yan wen. then we spent another hour just on the DESCRIPTION of another bunch of sentences. so basically that's what i've been spending most of my time on. and i've been reading some random chinese literature i found to be interesting... so i can express myself better in chinese.

tired... mm not my style to end a post like this mr. blogger but g'night. x_X

決定愛你 徐若瑄

詞：大塚雄三　　
曲：大塚雄三　　
中文詞：徐若瑄

愛你 不需要原因 只要有一顆真心
分隔兩地 也可以傳給你
愛你 不會有距離 只要你在我心裡
隨時隨地 我也可以感覺得到你
nanana…

小時候　常常擔心的一個問題
男人結婚之後　到底會不會外遇
我的爸爸媽媽在我小學三年級
他們離婚了　其實我非常地傷心
長大後　覺得沒什麼了不起
愛情並不是生活裡全部的事情
只要此時此刻　我們愛得很用心
就足夠我一輩子去回憶
Repeat *

有時候我也會碰到不如意
寧願哈哈大笑 也不要哭哭啼啼
付出去的感情 就算都沒有回應
可以碰到你 已經覺得非常幸運
失敗做錯了 也沒什麼關係
換個髮型 或是唱唱歌發洩情緒
不要浪費時間 一直躲在後悔??
要找回那顆 不認輸的心

決定要做的事情 不要輕易受打擊
今天不行 還有明天可以
決定要談的愛情 不要隨便說放棄
幸福全部要靠自己努力去爭取

有天我一定會等到 生命?堥漲鴙^雄
有天我一定會找到 被我的愛 感動的人

喜歡 賴在你身旁 看你說話的模樣
就算我們不能地久天長
喜歡 為了你而忙 看你開心的模樣
就算沒有我想要的答案

things to be appreciated

a few things i realized i used to, or have always, taken for granted:

mrs. stebbins: i never really knew how much i liked going to her classes, sitting in my seat and hearing smart comments from the people sitting around me. i liked the way she introduced books to us, such as making us take a quiz of "what women want" before reading madame bovary. i liked her thought-provoking questions. i liked her projects. i liked her essay-grading standards. i liked the books she chose. i liked her essay prompts. i loved feeling like i learned a lot from just TALKING during discussions. the english class i'm in right now is.. so much less. i wonder what ms. stebbins would think if she knew what i was doing.. true, my english class was never designed for native english speakers, and of course was not an AP class, but.. what am i doing in this class???? purely for credit. purely because i have to. waste of time.

my mom: in the couple of weeks that i spent in taiwan while she was still back in tino, it felt horrible because no one here really cared about how i thought of certain things. they took care of me, yes, but there was no emotional/mental support. wherever my mom lives, that is where home is. that's how i define "home." she provides the stability i need and i never knew that before this because i've always been able to live with her every single day.

sunshine: of course the sun still shines here, but it rains a lot more.. i guess that's why everyone talks about the california sunshine or whatever.. sunshine state? or is that florida. hrm. anyway, i realized i'm one of those people whose mood is affected by the weather.

the lack of cockroaches and rats: self-explanatory.

HEXAGON!!! i've made many friends here, but still have not built intimacy. i suppose it will all come in good time, but i miss just being able to call people up and go swimming or watch a movie or whatever..

being able to drive: i love the freedom of driving to wherever i want to. and turning on the radio as loud as i want to and singing along and rolling down the windows. and just parking somewhere and just sit there in my car and think. and not do anything else but sit and think.

furry carpets: impractical solution here in tw because it will get moldy. but they're so comfy. ^_^

free toilet paper! if you forget to bring you own lil pack of tissues before you go into a bathroom stall, you suffer the consequences. *grave nod*

i think that's it for now.. i probably left out some important things, as always, but my eyes are getting tired.

tonight

"is it you?"

strange way of saying hello, i thought. i pretended to be in full control of my bike (i still wobble occasionally) while he showed off, of course, taking advantage of oncoming speed bumps. he caught up with me even though i sped up on purpose, and we rode side by side for a while, palm trees all along the sides of the road.

"don't you think this is kind of dangerous?" he was referring to my unusual habit of riding on the left side of the road. i told him about my theory.

"this way the cars don't come up behind me." i still stubbornly held onto the belief that riding on the wrong side of the road was actually safer, despite the obvious irony that the only reason it would be "safe" was that i was the only one doing it. so obviously i was "safe" at the cost of everyone else's safety, trying to avoid me. but no matter.

the night hid my anxiety. i was nervous because i wasn't used to having someone riding so closely beside me for such an.. extended period of time. i liked to have them pass me. i liked to see them coming toward me, then pass. and one by one they pass. all going in the opposite direction.

we rode side by side in silence. two bikes foolishly riding against traffic.

the wind blew against my face but unfortunately my hair didn't magically float up in wispy strands like it's supposed to in fairy tales and romance movies. so the pomade works. our dear hair styling products always help to pull us back into reality.

i turned left in the direction of my dorm room. he turned too. but the basketball courts were in the opposite direction. we said our goodbyes.

i rode on.

until i crashed into another bike. it was coming towards me.

inspiration

i don't know if i deserve to be quoting this poem as if my situation was similar to the speaker's. but i feel like it speaks for me, and i was stricken with awe when i discovered it in chinese. it's such an inspiration for me, but i don't want to give away the title of this poem so easily.. you figure it out for yourself. ;-)

在一片黃樹林裡, 有著兩條分岔路,
很遺憾, 我不能同時走這兩條路,
我站在第一條路許多,
遠望而去, 直到路隱沒在樹叢裡,

然後, 再看看第二條路,
景致也是同樣怡人,
但似乎更吸引我,
因為草深蔓延, 人煙者然;
雖然只要途經於此, 總也會留下痕跡.

這時, 晨曦鋪灑在這兩條路上,
落葉滿地, 還未留有旅人的痕跡,
喔, 我還是等來日再來走第一條路吧!
但, 踏上路後, 不知會走向何處,
我懷疑我是否再回過頭來, 重走一遭.

在多年, 多年以後的某個時候,
我或許會深有所感的訴說著:
在那片黃樹林的雙叉路抉擇,
而我..., 選擇了人跡罕至的那一條路,
而人生的風貌, 也就因此全然不同了.

i like it here.

new bike

that tutor guy taught me SOOOOO much today.. and other people who passed by were all like, completely awed by his.. his.. wealth of knowledge. ^^;; they were all asking him how he knew so much about chinese history. and he memorized like huge blocks of obscure passages from ancient chinese literature that everyone else forgot.. he's just.. really.. really.. smart. ^^ but after two hours of strenuously battling with the text, we finally finished only one section. -__-;; and there's two more i have to do before friday. and i get all this for FREE. :P muahahahhaa..

after "class" i went to practice biking with a buncha girls from our major. and then we went to buy my bike! :D so i'm officially a biker on the NTU campus. ya! *fobbish V* of course, two locks were required..

japanese is going ok... i look at my roommate's desks and i see like huge bulky texts for calculus, chemistry, java, and an endless selection of chinese literature/poetry. and i have.. these colorful illustrated cute little japanese books with tapes and such.. haha.

the human heart is a dangerous thing. it can burn with furious passion but you'll be surprised at how easily it is deadened by something as ordinary as tap water.

recently me

i can't say that i don't miss it back in cali. but when i was in cali i missed taiwan terribly too. why can't i just 100% love wherever it is i happen to be?

it was a few degrees cooler today.. almost felt like i was back in tino again except it was still humid and very cloudy. i still wore shorts while other ppl broke out their sweaters. everyone kept on asking me, "aren't you cold?" but i haven't felt so comfortable in a long time...

went to the welcome performance (er? translation) for aero club (aerobics) today.. i think i'm going to join.

i'm getting someone within our major to tutor me in chinese. it's like, comparable to shakespearean english except i'm studying it as if i'm a new fob to america. i had never been so completely confused in one class before. my tutor is really really smart though. apparently his entrance exam score was enough to put him in the pre-law major at NTU (it requires the highest score within the college, and NTU requires the highest score of all tw colleges, so basically he could have gone to ANY college ANY major he wanted to). but he chose japanese as his first choice because he liked it so much. everyone jokingly yelled at him for it. haha. and in case you're getting any strange ideas, my dear innocent reader, he's off the market. (come to think of it, aren't i kind of too?)

there are officially 20 majors that want to have mixers with us. TWENTY!!!!! the jap major this year probably broke the school record. oy -__-;;

fobbish act to come #2: we're gonna go karaoke-ing!!! like, the nice palace-y kind, not the cheap imitation stuff. :P haha that was kinda cruel. but it's true!!! new KTV, heard it's literally like a palace.

a chameleon changes according to its environment. it doesn't become EXACTLY like it, but it changes enough for its own survival. but if it was not concerned with survival, i wonder if it will still change? but if it does not want to change, does it know what its original color was? and if it doesn't know, then won't it just keep on changing colors, desperately trying to find what color fits him the best? and what if the chameleon never finds that color..?

pictures!

pictures! yay!!

this is from our camping trip right before school started with the MSE people. of course, the girls you see most likely come from our major, and the guys from MSE. go here. (it's not my album, but i don't have a scanner here) ^^;;

just human

i see so many parallels of people here.. it's so strange because my "best friend" in taiwan so far is this wylie parallel, and wylie also happened to be my best friend during my first year in america. and there's this guy who reminds me so much of charlton! and a girl who was a combination of chrissy and kitty. and i don't really know exactly what makes me think of them as parallels of other people.. is it their personality? what they like to do? the way they say certain things? their thought processes?

how can humans be so different and yet so alike? sometimes it seems as if the only thing that separates us is the kinds of things we've picked up along the way because of our environments. things like learning languages, slangs, the kinds of songs we like, where "the party's at," our daily habits from day to day.. but those are only superficial details. the way people treat me remind me of friends or foes back in america. the way people express their ideals remind me of people who are completely different from them in other ways. and even though they may never know this other world with people who are just like them (if they don't move out of taiwan, that is), collectively the people around me is what my own little social polygon consists of. and even though they are completely different individuals, each serves the same purpose as each one of my old friends who used to be in the very foreground of my life.

ah my friends, don't think that this means you have been replaced! no no. what it means is that i have been somewhat developing my own way of surviving socially here. so that even though i don't have you guys here with me, i kind of do at the same time because there are these parallels of you. and even though none of you can ever be replaced, there are shadows of you that continue to revolve around my everyday life.

so maybe the things that happen around us can be on two opposing ends of the spectrum. and maybe the way we express our reactions to them have nothing in common with each other. but no matter how you express it, the emotions involved are universal. we may all mourn in different ways, but the feeling of loss we feel are the same. we may all express love in different ways, but we all know it when we love someone. i suppose it's our own human nature, that same "human nature" we blame all of humanity's mistakes on, that is universal among all of us. our every inevitable emotion, desire, needs, reasoning.. and we must depend on these very basic things to unite us when all else fails.

lalala

i feel the need to report some recent happenings but it all seems so trivial. i'm living here. and surviving. having.. as much fun as a person could have moving to a completely new country to start college.

sometimes when i'm right in the middle of doing something, i'm suddenly struck with this feeling of awe, because the way life works is just so.. strangely beautiful. i'm.. here. i'm actually really back here now. i don't know if you, the reader, have any idea what i'm talking about because i really don't know how to describe it. perhaps it's because i always felt like if i went to berkeley, it was the normal, obvious way to go. but now i'm here, and it all feels like such an adventure. it's almost as if my whole life i've been on this one track, and i didn't know any other one, and i never stopped to think WHY i'm at a certain place doing certain things and talking to certain people. life made sense. not that it doesn't make sense now, but i feel like i've.. diverged from my original track and gone.. this way. the way i'm going now. it's.. different.

i'm in pain right now because today this guy in our major had to take me somewhere on his bike and we crashed into this other girl who turned without looking behind her. pain. pain pain pain.

fobbish

today, i did the most fobbish of all fobbish acts.

i went to take sticky pics with some fellow jap major girls. and yes, we did the fobbish victory sign. ^^;;

and even more updates

apparently, we jap major girls in NTU have become.. er.. quite famous among the male-dominated majors in the school. ^^;; it's not my boasting or exaggerating, but we already have at least 12 representatives from other majors who want to (my translation) have mixers with us. haha it's really funny because when i went onto our college message board, in our major is like.. a whole bunch of posts with stuff like "we would like to contact your public relations officer blah blah blah..." and so i curiously went onto the EE board and they had stuff about their PR's having a race to see who got to contact us first.

despite all the hype about boy meets girl or girl meets boy, my college life has remained surprisingly.. single-sexed. even though our major DOES have a few guys, the guys always segregate themselves and so i don't really know them very well. and when chrissy and i went to visit berkeley, we found ourselves to be one of the few girls in foothill, but that is opposite here because my dorm is all girls. so day in day out my contacts have really just been.. girls. *nod* i don't think this is a problem though, because everyone says that the first thing you have to do socially is to build a strong group of friends who can help and support you, and then consider the rest such as possible bf's etc. not that every guy i meet is a potential target, but it seems like being in a girl-dominated major, our friends will most likely be girls and not guys. that is, unless i join clubs, which is a different story.

last night i met a lot of upperclassmen from this on-campus Christian club. one of them (the leader i think) helped me get my internet connection up!!! and yes, it really was very complicated. yup.

there is way too much to write about i've only touched the surface!! gah >_< i guess the only way to make this blog not be a laundry list of what i do each day is to just talk about.. what i feel/think/see? as opposed to what i did? but it's so hard to explain what certain things are because we simply don't have that in american culture! it's like.. when i tried to explain to them what AP classes were.. they don't choose their own classes in high school so yeah..

i'm surprised by how i can become so.. part of the group most of the time even though i've spent an entire 9 very important years of my life in a completely different environment. i'm really glad that i've been able to somewhat keep my chinese language abilities because it's really become critically useful here. i find that as accepting as some people can be about different cultures, it's still difficult to be able to feel like you belong somewhere if you can't even communicate with the people half the time. at the risk of sounding cynical, i still think it is human nature to want to associate with only the people who you consider to be like yourself, perhaps it's because you can identify with how they feel. there are very few people who truly enjoy doing things they've never done and conversing with people who have very little in common with them. it's so easy to just group together in your own little bubble and talk only about the things you ALL have come to familiarize yourselves with.. i suppose we need friends of both kinds then. ones who are like us because they came from the same background and you can say very little and they'll know what you mean. and the second kind, people who open your eyes to things.. people who allow you to be aware of completely different lifestyles, cultures, ways of speech, living habits, what's considered as "normal" and what's considered as "strange."

i'm really glad i've gained so much.. er.. cultural experience in the past month i've been here. i guess i've never really appreciated american OR taiwanese culture because i just took it for granted that taiwan has good food and america has clean air and many large, open spaces. yeah it sounds weird when i put it that way but everywhere i go it's so cramped and crowded i'm being so squished all the time >_<.

i've learned that it's one thing to survive in a place, and it's another to belong in a place. and since i learned to survive in cali and even felt like i belonged there, i'm learning to belong here as well. there's only so much you can see if you look from the outside. you see even more when you're.. part of it all. and you see it happen right in front of your eyes instead of just reading or hearing about it. it's.. it's been quite a journey for me.

more updates

ahhhhh so much has happened in the past few days i don't even know where to begin! but first, my explanation for the long-time-no-blogging state. and that is because i moved into the dorms on thursday night and i couldn't get my friggin internet connection to work. i asked my computer nerd roommate (she's not really nerdy, just very good at it) and she couldn't do anything about it. we figured that it was because i haven't paid my dorm fee yet, out of laziness, so i paid, and i haven't checked to see if it works.

the computer lab is all the way across campus from where i live.. GAH!! >_<

the past few days have been jam-packed. to make a long story short, thursday night went to see a chinese musical (the chinese version of romeo and juliet, liang shan buo yu zhu ying tai). friday had orientation (it's nothing compared to berkeley's) and afternoon started our little dating camp. i call it dating camp because it was the japanese major (all girls) with material science engineering (all guys) and every activity we did was just very obviously trying to set us up w/ people. unfortunately, i didn't get hooked up. *melancholy sigh* hahaha.. actually i don't think anyone did because the girls and guys were pretty segregated most of the time. taiwanese culture? freshman culture? i don't know..

first day of classes today. OH MY GOSH THE GYM IS SO NICE. our first PE class (yes we have PE but no math how strange?) was like a tour of some fitness club. it is sooooo nice and soooooo cheap because we're students. yay!!

much more to say but no time because i'm checking out on-campus clubs but i miss you all!! and having much fun here. :)

i hate rain

i went to register today. but i don't know why i was so scatterbrained today.. first i forgot my wallet, and i didn't realize it until i got to the MRT ticket place and i realized i didn't have my card. but originally some of us already agreed to go register together so we'd meet.. obviously i'd be late but i realized i couldn't call them cuz i didn't have their phone number. after i finally got the wallet and got back into the MRT station and got on the train, one of them called to ask where i was and i told them what happened and for them to go ahead first. but as i hung up i wanted to enter in the number in my phone book, which was when i realized that i HAD HER NUMBER ALL ALONG! so i finally get to the NTU campus expecting there'd be directions or signs, but there wasn't, and i realized that i stupidly forgot to check where to register. HOW I COULD FORGET TO CHECK SOMETHING SO IMPORTANT IS BEYOND ME. so i asked some people who were going to register also and they were also trying to figure it out. after i finally finished the whole process, i come out and it's like.. huge pouring rain. -__-;; and there were all these people eagerly trying to get me to join all sorts of clubs and i do appreciate their enthusiasm but.. yeah.. wrong time. so i walk toward the bus station only to realize that the bus i was waiting for just drove away, and no matter how i chased it it wouldn't stop. -__-;; and the whole time it was pouring and i happened to be wearing sandals... *sweatdrop*

so, as you can see, today was not exactly the best day of my life.

the funny thing is, my mom made the observation that had i remembered to bring my wallet, i would have made it there on time so they wouldn't have had to wait for me. and then they would also know where to go so i wouldn't get lost.. and if i had finished sooner i wouldn't have been caught in huge pouring rain and missed my bus.

*huffs and puffs*

so you see, christina, i still cannot survive without you. ^_^;;

tomorrow i move into the dorms. oh and i have to start memorizing the 100 japanese er.. what do you call them. syllables/phonetic symbols/alphabet whatever.

they have mutated.. aerial mobility has greatly increased

oh... my.. gosh.. i just saw a FLYING COCKROACH.

it was bigger than my pinky and i totally freaked out and woke up my sister. at first she didn't want to kill it but then it crawled to a more advantageous position, who would have known that it started flying toward us when she was trying to throw a slipper at it. i screamed and ran behind a door while my sister attacked again. at last it fell to the ground with its many limbs grasping in the air. it took three layers of tissues to pick it up and flush it down the toilet. -___-;; now i'm going to have nightmares of millions of cockroaches climbing all over my body.

to charlton: and you thought killing spiders was scary?

updates

wow. so much has happened i don't even know how to update. and i never really liked writing about daily happenings anyway. i think it's a waste of er.. digital space. ^^;; if there is such a thing.

but yeah, i saw my dorm room, it's on the fifth floor, no elevators. so i'm on my way to developing non-jiggly thighs eh? hehe.. taiwan is still very hot, and i don't get AC until tuesday, so i decided not to move in until after tuesday. yup. of course, the dorm sucks, definitely not as good as berkeley OR ucla OR stanford. but i guess i'll just have to do. whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? (ahem yeah sure)

lately we've been doing much planning for the new home and throwing out old furniture. moving into a new house (well, a new house and an old house and a new dorm all at the same time) is a VERY overwhelming process. we have about 200 boxes worth of stuff coming in in a few days. this means we've been very diligently throwing out old things..

planning for paint, ceiling, light fixtures, furniture arrangement, AC, curtains/shades/blinds is very very... *sweatdrop* tiring.

i've been going on BBS an awful lot lately..

oh yeah one of my roommates is majoring in chinese. yay! i can ask her questions.. and she's thinking about minoring in japanese, so she can ask ME japanese questions, that is, if i'm good enough at it.. -__-;;

no title.

真的好想得你..

-小天使

oop. there it is.

ladies and gentleman, the moment you've all been waiting for...

*drumroll*

TADA!!! the birth of a brand new blog. brought to you completely in chinese.

...

oh yeah, it's private. *wink*

練習打中文

yay! chinese works. i have to start practicing typing in chinese now so for those who can't read it, SUCKS FOR YOU!! muahahhaha *evil laughter*

最近我常常上BBS.. 發現還蠻好玩的..
唉 我打中文實在是有夠慢的 不過 也只好一直練習吧!
嘻嘻..
嗯 肚子餓了 出去吃東東囉!!

試試看

hey! i know leos!!! XD

this cracks me up. btw, in case you're doubting, it's an honest result. hehehehe


You should be dating a Leo.
23 July - 22 August
This mate is honest and loyal, with a sunny
disposition. Though this lion has the tendency
to be arrogant, sulky or smug, he/she is
unrestrained in bed.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
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