maybe it's because i know i can't ever become like those kinds of girls that they disgust me so much.
the school year isn't quite ending yet, but i'm already looking back on my first almost-year in taiwan. i've changed a lot. i don't know if it's because of taiwan, or college, or just simply gaining one more year of life experience. the changes are subtle, so subtle i almost didn't think they took place, until i had those talks with my mom.
whenever i'm with "new" people, i can convince myself that this is the way i've always been. but whenever i'm with "old" people, or "always-been" people, i convince myself i haven't changed out of my old ways either.
just like sylvia plath's esther, i am still flying back and forth between two mutually exclusive things. and this i will continue to do. whether i like it or not. and i do like it. i love it.
i love being weird. even if this means that people will start to understand me less and less. not weird as in unsociable. i think i will still keep the socializing part for all its useful and practical purposes, because i'm stupid about useful and practical and efficient things like that. but i feel as if the most real and pure and deepest part of me is starting to detach itself from all these useful and practical daily actions.
someone said, "speak your mind." but who said that is the only thing you should speak? i want to speak other people's minds. or i want to make up people's minds and then speak them. or i want to speak the exact opposite of what i really think. maybe there's some fun in that, too. or maybe i want to change my mind every so often. since i've given up on having people fully understand me (and who would want to be fully understood anyway? that's no fun), i'll do my best to have different people understand different shelleys. perhaps that is an easier task.
perhaps that's what i've always been doing, but only realized it just now. *shrug*
jing di zhe wa. translated literally it means frog of a well. it's used to describe (insultingly) people who have very narrow horizons, people who haven't seen enough and done enough in their lives. (i'm not sure if it includes the meaning of them being content with this lifestyle? maybe..) i'm sure these frogs are happy. i once wished, so very fervently, that i could be in a well and never come out. ignorance is bliss. i wanted to be happy. i wanted to be content. i wanted to never have to wonder if i'm "living it up." but now, having seen certain things in the past year, allow me to boldly (and perhaps, arrogantly) say that i have jumped out of the well.
and i'm not happy, now that my sky doesn't have edges enclosed by the walls of my well. but in a strange, ironic way, i'm happy about the fact that i know i'm not happy. perhaps happy is not an accurate word to describe this emotion. i should say content. i thought my "but.. why?" phase meant that i was not content with all that is given to me and that i kept a questioning mind toward everything i encountered. but now that i look back on it, it seems so naive and pointless and childish. it was only curiosity. curiosity is great, but it doesn't get you anywhere unless you start to search for answers. or unless you start to realize that answers aren't everything.
answers change.
or you can make up your own answers, as long as you look arrogant enough doing it. then they change the answer key and make your arrogant answer the right, standard one. or you can bubble in the answer you know will get you the point, but still maintain your own thoughts on the true answer for yourself.
and no one will ever have to know.
isn't that great? you can get an A+ without answering any of the questions right. as long as you bubbled in the right bubbles.
and no one will ever have to know.
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